


Lost Gods

by Werecakes



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien, The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: BAMF Bilbo, BAMF Everyone!, BAMF Fíli, BAMF Kíli, BAMF Thorin, Elves tend to be self riotous asses, Fallen gods!AU, Fíli and Kíli are adorable, Gen, Gods, Lion!Fíli, M/M, Papa!Thorin, Romance, True Love, reborn gods, shapshifter!Fíli
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-06-28
Updated: 2015-06-19
Packaged: 2017-12-16 09:42:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 37
Words: 75,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/860700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Werecakes/pseuds/Werecakes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The gods have left Middle-Earth, the elves wish to join their creators across the seas, little do they know that the gods remain.</p><p>With powerful souls and wills to survive, the gods have been searching for one another- for their lovers, for their families. </p><p>But some souls are too powerful for the bodies of flesh, tearing a hole in the fabric that separates magic and dreams from the land of mortals. The elves and wizards believe they must intervene to prevent the gods from being together once more.</p><p>Warnings: Action, Romance, True Love, magic, shapshifting</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Little Wild Boy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kyuubikun](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyuubikun/gifts).



> This is a work dedicated to Kyuubikun who has the most wonderful artwork ever of Lion!Fili.  
> Kyuubikun.tumblr.com

Kili was an energetic child, always had energy to spare. He was usually a blur of brown hair and blue tunic as he flitted from person to person, room to room. He never sat still for his hair to be brushed, or his meals, least of all his lessons. It took more than his mother and father to reign him in. Dwalin, Balin and even Thorin had to grab up the little boy by the back of his clothes as his legs continued to kick out as if that alone could get him to continue on in his current quest of doing whatever the little boy had put his mind to.

It became a mutual agreement that he was much too uncontrollable to teach for longer than ten minutes out of an hour simply because the boy was “too busy”. He had too much curiosity for his own good. This worried every adult that came across him, automatically enlisting them to shadow him so that he would not hurt himself. 

Kili did not listen well. It was the nature of children. So when he was upset he was more than glad to be extra recalcitrant. He would do things that he **knew** that he should not. Which had lead to the unfortunate accident of hot metal getting on his uncle one day in the forge. 

Thorin had a strange swagger after he healed, it wasn’t a lot but it was enough for the little boy to notice. He also held things looser with his left hand too. 

Kili cried a lot that year.

From then on he stayed away from the forges and started to play out in the open fields and woods, slipping past any adult that may see him. He didn’t have much fun with the dwarven children his age. They always were too focused on trying to learn how to grow a big beard or learning a craft. Kili was more curious about the things around him. Like the plants. Oh he loved plants. He loved dirt! No, he adored dirt!! He rolled in it, threw it around and when it was too rocky he spent long hours tilling in straw and worms and everything he could think of to make the dirt fluffy and happy. No one told him that the reason why the dwarves allowed him this was because whenever he “played” like that the next year the crops grew very well.

Then one strange day he came home not so completely covered in mud. His smile was as bright as the sun and he was so very, very happy.

“What has you so pleased?” Dwalin asked as Kili climbed up in a chair between him and Thorin.

“I have a friend.”

“Oh?”

“Yes!” Kili cried out in joy flinging his arms up only to get a few dirt clods on Dwalin and Thorin.

Thorin carelessly brushed the dirt flecks off of his sleeve, his scarred hand showing since he did not have a bracer on and his sleeves rolled up. “What is your friend’s name?”

“I don’t know.” Kili said. He looked around before finding a pitcher of water and was reaching for it.

Thorin took the pitcher and poured a cup for Kili who took it and drank it sloppily spilling a lot of it onto his shirt. “Girl or boy?”

“I don’t know.”

“What do they look like then?” Thorin smirked pretty sure Kili had concocted an imaginary friend. He didn’t find any fault in it, every child had one at some point. Even he did when he was a dwarfling.

“Big hair! It’s all gold and has blue eyes like yours!”

“Like mine?” Thorin grabbed a twig from Kili’s hair. 

“Yeah!”

“Are you going to play with your friend tomorrow?”

“I hope so.”

The next day Kili came to the door of the forge. He didn’t come in, fearful he might hurt his uncle again, and talked and talked and talked, about all the things he did with his friend until Thorin was done and they walked home together. It became a regular thing to do soon enough. Kili really liked his friend and even more liked how his friend had a secret that he swore he would tell no one.

Then one day Kili came running to the forge much earlier than Thorin had been used to.

“Uncle Thorin!!” He shouted. 

Thorin’s hammer stilled. When helping raise a child one always knew the signs of trouble. The certain pitches of their voice, or the sudden quiet. This was definitely a scared pitch.

“He’s hurt!”

“Who’s hurt?” Thorin threw the hot metal into a vat of water, not caring if the metal broke, just as long as it didn’t burn down the forge.

“My friend! He’s hurt!!”

The king under the mountain frowned as he went to the door where his bad hand was grabbed and he was tugged along. “Hurry! Hurry!!”

This imaginary friend... wasn’t so imaginary. 

When Kili took Thorin over to the forest a good distance from the houses he was met with a blond child curled up and in pain. Kili let go of Thorin’s hand and ran to his friend’s side, the blond growling, teeth bared like an animal. But Kili just stroked his long hair. Thorin could see the naked genitalia of the boy making him wonder why he had no clothing, not even small clothes. But affirmed that Kili was either too busy to bother himself with identifying gender just yet or he didn’t care.

“It’s okay, Uncle Thorin is the best. You’ll be okay.”

The blond looked to Kili with unsure eyes then instantly curled up against Kili’s side pulling his bad leg away from Thorin when the adult tried to move. 

A feral child it would seem. Thorin had only heard stories of them, abandoned in hopes that the elements would claim their precious lives and by the looks of it the boy was dwarven. It hurt Thorin’s heart to even fathom someone would toss their babe out, but more so since dwarven children were so rare. 

The king reached forward, giving soothing sounds as he lowered the child’s knee so that he could look at the other leg. It was bloodied, swelling and slightly purple. He must have broken it rather badly.

“What were you two doing?” Thorin kept his voice soft more for the strange child’s benefit than for Kili’s.

“We were climbing the trees and he fell.” Kili sounded ashamed.

“We’ll take him to the healers.” Thorin shrugged off his top tunic. 

He went to pull it around the boy’s naked form when the blond shot forward and bit down, hard, on the web of Thorin’s thumb. The king growled a little but did not move even when beads of red welled up around the child’s lips. The kid had some very sharp teeth.

“No! Don’t bite him!” Kili pulled on his friend, when that didn’t release he wiggled his finger into the boy’s mouth somehow and pressed down on his tongue. Like an animal the boy opened his jaw wide and moved his head trying to get Kili to let go. “I said he’s here to help! No biting!!”

“It’s okay Kili.” Thorin finished wrapping the tunic around the boy. “He’s scared.”

“Scared or not he should not have bit you! Bad kitty!” Kili flicked his friend’s nose who looked at him rather hurt. Kili just frowned. “Be nice to Thorin or I won’t play with you!”

The boy wrinkled his nose before burying his face into Kili’s neck as an apology. Kili sighed heavily and hugged his friend looking older than the small child he really was. Thorin smiled, he had never seen Kili so attached to something or someone before. It was... nice.

“Come, we need to get him to the healers.” Thorin very gently picked up the blond child. He sat the boy on his hip and started to walk slowly as to not jostle the boy’s leg. Kili grabbed Thorin’s good hand as they walked back towards the village they were staying in. 

“He doesn’t talk, will the healers be okay with that?” Kili asked innocently. The healers always made him talk about how he got hurt whenever he was brought there.

“They won’t have a choice but to accept it.” Thorin offered Kili a smile. “Do you know if he has any family?”

Brown hair tossed around as the boy shook his head, “No, only him.”

“And he does not talk... so he has no name.”

“Not that I know of.”

“Then we’ll name him Fili.”

Kili wrinkled his nose. “Fili? Why Fili?”

“The -Fi- for being fierce, and -li- after the boy who is his best friend.”

Kili jumped in his steps, “That’s me!!”

Thorin smiled fully. “Yes, that is you.”

After they took Fili to the healers they found out that the boy was actually older than Kili, though only by a few years. He was healthy enough if not in need for a more balanced diet and a good washing. While his leg was being splinted and Thorin was paying the healers for their services they asked, “Who’s child is this?”

Thorin did not hesitate, “My own.”

“Then why does he not speak and only makes noises? And why does he have no clothing?”

“That is none of your concern.” Which, by all means, it really wasn’t.

Soon he gathered Fili up to his hip once more, making sure he was fully covered with cloth and walked down to the markets with Kili close at his side. He bought Fili many clothes and a few boots, having to indulge Kili in a few new things as well as the boy grew jealous over the attention he was not receiving. Finally the ended up at the food stalls where Fili’s nose twisted and twitched with all the different smells. He reached out a little hand snagging up sausages and raw cuts of meat and even a few fish that Thorin was forced to pay for after he pried the raw meats out of the child’s mouth. He gave some coins to Kili and had the boy run off to get something sweet. When he came back, Thorin had to awkwardly lean down for Kili to hand Fili a sweet bread because he couldn’t pick up Kili with his full arms and Kili refused to let Thorin hand it to Fili.

Fili was cautious over it but messily stuck the bread that was covered in honey and seasonal nuts into his mouth. While he chewed he drooled a bit sending a mess over Thorin’s hair and his own. Neither seemed to care. 

Fili was getting used to this idea of touch, of being warm and given food without having to fight for it. 

Thorin was feeling blessed. He had a child of his own now and he would raise him well.

~~~~~~~~~

Art work by Kyuubikun!!!


	2. He's My Son

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Papa! Thorin Biotch!

Thorin had to take a lot of time away from the forge in order to properly care for Fili. His golden maned son did not like being left alone locked in a house with his broken leg. He did not like wearing clothing. He hated having to wait for meals to be cooked and only ate half of the fruits and vegetables that Thorin provided him and that was only after Kili would come over and show him that it was okay to eat such things. He was blessed though, that Fili was a smart lad. He quickly caught on to the potty training concept. He did like bathing and didn’t try to eat the soap after being told once. 

Each day Thorin would give Fili positive touches on his shoulders, head and back, showing him that he was cared for. He would make an array of sounds encouraging the boy to mimic him. Sometimes it would end with Thorin having to pull a funny face which would earn him a smile and a few times a tiny laugh. Though the laugh always sounded weird as if the boy did not know what noise he was making.

By the time Fili’s leg was healed he could speak and understand things fairly well. Kili was coming over every day and spending every night allowed by his parents to stay. On those nights Kili would curl up against Thorin’s side and clutch tight to his beloved uncle while Fili wiggled around in furs trying to get comfortable. Eventually he came to the conclusion that Thorin’s hair was the best fur to have so he would curl up around his father’s head with the black hair draped over his tiny body. In the mornings Fili would say very few words to Thorin and would stay indoors with Kili who would try to help Fili get better at talking.

Then one morning, when Thorin had just closed the door to his little home he found Dis walking up with Kili holding onto her hand. The cold autumn air crip causing their breath to puff out in white clouds. 

“Dis,” Thorin pulled his sister into his arms. “You’ve put on weight.”

She snorted. “No thanks to Vili. He keeps insisting I’m pregnant and feeding me more when I’m not.”

“Good for him. A dwarrowdam should never be as thin as a human maiden.” Thorin wrinkled his nose in disgust. Those women always looked unhealthy, like if they missed one meal they would fall over dead. Frailty was not something to be attracted to, at least, for him.

“Says you and most men, but you’d be surprised what dwarrowdams are told these days to make them believe that if they can’t fit into a screw hole how undesirable they are.”

“That’s stupid.” Thorin and Kili said at the same time causing Dis to laugh.

Thorin cleared his throat, silently berating himself for sounding like his tiny nephew. “What brings you here?”

“Well, I thought it was time I saw for myself this boy you have taken in. Word has it that you do not even call him your ward but your son.”

“Mahal gifted him to me. Why would I not take him in as my son?” Thorin frowned. He didn’t like the amusement in his sister’s tone.

“I’m not saying anything of it brother, but I always thought you would die alone with no family to love you.”

“Funny, I thought the same about you.” He turned and opened his door, “Fili, come here.”

“Yes?” Fili came up, favoring his other leg as his healed one still protested at times.

Thorin ran his hand over the back of Fili’s head, “Say hello to your aunt, Kili’s mother.”

He looked to Dis, tilting his head. He wasn’t sure what an aunt was or a mother. But he knew one thing, he didn’t like her. He grabbed onto Thorin’s pant leg with one hand, the other grabbed Kili’s hand and yanked him close. He visibly curled his lip into a snarl and growled.

“Fili. What is the matter?” Thorin asked.

“W...where did you find him?” 

The king looked to his sister. He was very confused, she looked struck, barely able to stand on her own two feet. Her eyes were wide and her breath was panting as she swallowed hard.

“In the forest-”

“Kili get away from him.” Dis grabbed Kili’s arm, pulling on him hard.

Kili gave a scream between protest and pain. Fili held onto the brunette, his hand swiping out leaving clawed marks through the thick material of her tunic.

“Foul thing,” She spat, her hand snapping across Fili’s cheek.

She was suddenly grabbed. Thorin had a fist full of her cloak, he pulled Kili away from her and shouted in a stern voice, “Fili, Kili, inside now!”

The two boys scuttled in quickly, Fili angry, Kili scared. Once they were inside Fili took Kili to a little spot between some creates and furs. They wiggled into the small space, hiding away from the shouts outside that caused Kili to wince. Fili only held him tight, his eyes sharp and protective.

“You struck my child.” Thorin shoved his sister. If he didn’t care about her he would have run her through by now.

“You don’t understand!”

“No, you don’t understand! He is mine and whatever you believe to justify your action is-”

“He’s my first born!”

Thorin bared his teeth, “He was not harming Kili and he never would.”

“Thorin! Fili is my first born!” Dis hissed.

“You lie. You had a miscarriage.”

“Do I? Look at his face, look at his eyes, shaped and colored like mine and Vili’s.”

Thorin’s brow came together. He felt a heaviness settle over his stomach. It was inevitable, their father went mad with grief, their grandfather had been sick in the mind. It ran in the family, one of them was to become ill.

“Go home Dis.”

“Not without my son.”

“You will not have Kili back.”

Dis staggered on her feet. “What? You cannot-”

Thorin shouted now, loud and booming not caring who looked to him. “I will not endanger a child when you are not well!!”

“You think I am mad?!” She pulled on the cuts on her sleeve. “Look what your beast did! Listen to me Thorin!”

“LEAVE!”

“No!”

“Then I shall remove you.” 

Thorin grabbed her by her wrists, she screamed for his son. Kicked at Thorin yelling for Kili’s safety. Each kick, each yank in her struggle, every shout, it hurt Thorin. It was all too much like their father and grandfather, all too familiar. He would not let Fili and Kili be exposed to this, not like how he had been. They were much too young.

Eventually Dis became too much for Thorin to restrain, he had to enlist some help from a few dwarves that lived in the small village. A merry man that brought much of his ore by the name of Bofur and a friend of Balin’s named Dori helped haul Dis to the healers where she was administered herbs that forced her to sleep. The three men took her back to her house where they put her to bed. Bofur ran off to find Vili while Dori quickly left to find Balin upon Thorin’s request. 

Thorin sat beside his sister and took her hand and held it tight. “I swear to you, I shall keep the children safe until you are well.” 

He brushed his thumb over the back of her hand as she slept. He felt crushed under the memories of his forefathers, of their madness that had infected his dear sister. And as she slept he tried to push the memories of her screams aside for ones of her running through Erebor with her chocolate brown hair trailing behind her as their father and mother tried to chase her down to give her a proper grooming. He tried to remember how she looked when she first started to lose her baby teeth. How she would pull on Frerin’s hair when he would steal her practice bow.

“Thorin?”

He looked up finding Balin and Vili. He swallowed hard, taking a deep breath through his nose.

“What happened?” Vili asked still covered in the dust of the mines.

“She came to visit, to see my son for the first time and she...” Thorin put Dis’ hand down and stood up allowing Vili to take his seat. “She struck him and acted with madness...”

The room fell silent. There was no secret to the insanity that plagued the line of Durin. They had just hoped the younger generations would be strong enough to not fall prey to it.

“Are the children safe?” Balin placed a hand on Thorin’s shoulder.

“Yes. I... Vili, I do not think it safe for Kili to stay here.”

Vili ran a dirty hand through his hair as he sighed. Since the miscarriage of their first child he had feared this day. “Please keep him. I would like to see him often though.”

“Of course brother.” Thorin patted Vili on the back. “Balin... I would ask of you to keep with her as you have the same experience as I with this. Unfortunately-”

“The children come first.” Balin nodded. “Go to them, we shall take care of Dis.”

Thorin gave his apologies and left. 

The way back home seemed to have taken longer than before. His limbs feeling heavy and his eyes dry with the need to shed tears. With each step he took he silently prayed, not for him, not for Dis, but for Kili. If the madness could reach Kili’s mother, who was so strong and full of life, it could reach the boy. He prayed over and over again to anything that could hear his thoughts that the child would never be touched by it.

When the king got home he opened the door only to have something slam into him. The weight and velocity sending him to the floor. It bit down hard. He shouted as a claw caught him in the chest. He raised his arm, the batting claw catching in his leather bracer.

“NO! FILI NO!!!” 

Thorin pushed the creature off, Kili managed to scoot it back away from Thorin enough to wrap his arms around the neck of a large cat. Thorin was up on his elbows, eyes wide as he watched Kili stroke a golden lion cub. He nuzzled it softly.

“It’s okay Fili, it’s your daddy. He won’t hurt you.”

The startling blue eyes softened, the cub’s body tensed. Thorin watched, all thought left him as skin twisted, bones popped and snapped. Fur was replaced with hair and before him was a shaking, naked, little boy. His little boy.

Scared blue eyes looked up to him. A tiny frightened voice reached his ears, “Udâd.”


	3. So Young

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thorin has a hard time dealing with the knowledge of what Fili can do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading and the comments! Oh you are all so very lovely and I wanted to thank you all for supporting this.
> 
> Hugs all around!!!
> 
> (for those who did not know) In the story the mattress is roped to the bed frame, there is a reason for this. The term "sleep tight" came from the fact mattresses used to be actually tied to their frames. The ropes being tight meant you had a firm, comfortable mattress.

Thorin... Thorin didn’t know what to do. His body was automatic as he picked himself up off of the floor. He found a change of clothes that he dressed Fili in. And when the boy tried to grab at him he pushed him away gently. He set a kettle over the fire and sat in silence. 

He didn’t know what he had just witnessed. It was something out of a fairytale. It was something that didn’t happen, not even in the heavy magic known to this world. The changing of the body did not happen not without a very dark power to be the cause, but Fili, he was a child. He looked down at his hands as he waited for the kettle to boil and saw the slight tremble in his left hand. Fili was no beast... right?

“Udâd,” Fili tried to gain his father’s attention. 

“Fili, it’s okay.” Kili stroked Fili’s soft hair. 

Fili gave a whine in the back of his throat. “Udâd.”

Nothing. 

He reached out, his little hand grabbing blue tunic. He yanked and pulled. “Udâd. Udâd. Udâd!” His chest started to puff up and down rapidly as something hurt deep inside. Why was Thorin ignoring him? Why did he not touch him on his head? Fili didn’t understand. What did he do wrong? He was only trying to protect Kili from the nasty woman and he didn’t mean to hurt Thorin. Surely his father would see that.

“Kili. Take Fili to bed. It’s time for your nap.” Thorin said softly.

Kili hugged Fili’s arm and pulled him over to the door that lead to the bedroom in the small hut. He took Fili to the bed where he got up onto the edge and took off his boots. He watched Fili pace around the closed door, touching the wood in gentle clawing motions.

“Fili.” Kili climbed down. “Fili it’ll be okay.”

“I hurt him...” Fili swallowed, his voice thick.

“You didn’t mean to.”

“I... how do I...” Fili wasn’t sure what the words were. 

“You say you are sorry.”

“Sorry?”

“It means... um...” Kili scratched his messy hair. How to explain, how to explain... “... You did not mean to.”

“You are sorry...”

“No, you want to say ‘I am sorry.’ But you want to say it when he is feeling better or he won’t hear you.” Kili took Fili’s hand and pulled him over to the bed. He climbed back on and scooted over to the far side, pulling back furs, “Right now we do what we are told.”

“Why? Should we not sorry now?”

“Apologize now?” Kili looked at the blond as if he was crazy. “I’ve gotten into a lot of trouble, you never say you’re sorry right away. They never hear it.”

Fili got up onto the bed and slipped under the furs next to the brunette. “Why?”

“I don’t know.” Kili rolled onto his side and wrapped himself around Fili’s side. Despite what he said earlier about how everything was going to be okay, he was worried. He had never seen his mother like that. Never seen his uncle shut down either. He hugged Fili tighter in the silence in the room. If he was honest with himself, he was scared. He didn’t want them to take Fili away.

\--------------------------------------------------------------

Thorin remained quiet for many days afterwards. He did not touch Fili nor Kili, deep in thought. Several nights he fell asleep in his chair next to the fire. Vili came over a couple of times. He was sweet to Fili and even more so on Kili before he would leave to either go back to work or go home to be with Dis who continued to rave over how Kili was in danger.

Late one night Thorin woke up to the fire dying. It was very cold as freezing rain pelted against the sides of his home, cold enough for him to see his breath. Two balls rested on him, shivering. The children whimpered in their sleep and one gave a terrible sounding cough. He got up, waking Fili who gave a small cry being taken from the warmth of his father’s chest.

“Stay.” Thorin said sternly patting Fili on the head. 

He threw on a few more logs to the fire. Slipping into the bedroom he grabbed the straw packed mattress and pulled it off of the frame it had been roped to. A trail of pillows and furs followed him as he pulled the mattress into the main room of the hut. He laid it close to the fire, only enough so that embers would not fly out and catch the mattress on fire. Thorin went back gathering the pillows and furs, brought them back and laid them over the bed. He picked up Kili and tucked him in. Before he could do the same with Fili his pant leg was grabbed hard with one hand, the other small hand gripped a few of his fingers and placed his palm on a tangle of golden locks. 

When was the last time he brushed Fili’s hair?

He looked at Fili seeing his blue eyes look up at Thorin with fear and pain. His bottom lip pushed out and his chin wrinkled. Thorin’s heart broke. 

What had he been doing? 

Neglecting his son. 

Fili was a strange thing, but he had never hurt Kili showing that his nature was good at heart. He was a small thing and... and if Thorin taught him how to control himself then he was no harm to anyone but his enemies.

He felt such the fool.

“I am sorry, Thorin.” Fili managed to say. Big tears started to roll down round cheeks as the boy shook trying not to be loud and wake up Kili.

Thorin knelt down. His hands stroking Fili’s head and shoulders. It hurt so bad to see the child in such a state.

“Do not call me that. I am your udâd,” Thorin took Fili to his chest, the pull of scabs ignored as the lion child clutched onto him. “I am sorry.”

That night Thorin slept on a mattress on the floor with Fili on his chest and Kili held to his side. It was the best sleep he had in a very long time.

In the morning he woke up to a strange sensation. Something wet and raspy was brushing against his chest. It tickled more than anything. He cracked open his eyes to find very blue, very distinct, feral eyes looking at him. He stiffened as he watched Fili with his dwarven face drag a very lion like tongue over the now opened scratches on his chest. Thorin didn’t make any movements until he could think.

Fili was on top of him with eyes and tongue of a cat. What little he could see of the teeth they were somewhere between lion and dwarven. His small hands had clawed tips and were only holding open his tunic enough for the child to get to his wound. He looked to his side where Kili still slept, then back to Fili. It was at that moment it registered to Thorin what Fili was doing.

He was cleaning the wounds the best he knew how.

Thorin moved to get Fili off only to have the boy growl at him. Obviously he was not done with his nursing. So Thorin put his hand on the boy’s back and gave a sigh. He would allow it this one time, they had just started to patch back up the father son relationship he managed to nearly destroy. Plus it would give him time to think of how to deal with Fili when he was like this... actually... now that he thought about it.

He nudged Kili awake. “Kili. Kili?”

The youth groaned, rubbing at his eye. “wha?”

“How do I get him to stop?” Thorin asked.

Kili blinked a few times, his vision coming to focus on what was happening. “You let him clean it.”

“Just let him...”

Kili reached over and scratched at Fili’s head completely fearless. “He’s a good kitty. He cleaned me before.”

“That is of no surprise.”

Resigned, Thorin closed his eyes. This was certainly a strange morning. It would not be his last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If, it wasn't explained well enough, the reason why Thorin kind of shut down is because he wasn't sure how to take everything so he went on autopilot for a bit. But he snapped out of it due to daddy instincts kicking him saying "the kids need you."


	4. Deceit

Fili wasn’t sure about Dori. He was weird and had the funniest beard and hair. He was fussy and something that Thorin called a “mother hen”. But when Dori came over while Thorin left he always brought someone that Fili liked.

He liked Ori.

Ori had frizzy hair and it was strange to the touch like fur and straw mixed together. It was really red too. He had never seen red hair before. He was distinctly smaller than Fili as well. Fili really liked picking up Ori and carrying him around the house despite how much Ori complained. Eventually Ori gave up entirely and allowed Fili to carry him from spot to spot between the lessons that Dori gave all three of the little ones. 

While Kili couldn’t sit still, Ori always was still unless he was writing in a large book as big as his lap, and Fili... Fili was trying to understand everything. He got lessons on gods, of dwarven history, reading and writing, math, rhetoric, and even some days he was given a knife and a piece of wood to work with. When that first happened he had no idea what to do with the knife and sat for a very long time looking at it and the piece of wood in his other hand. It wasn’t until Kili and Ori showed him what he was supposed to do, while Dori fixed them a lunch, that he was slowly starting to understand.

It was well into the winter when Dori decided that it was best to give the children their first lesson on how to handle markets. They each had an assignment of what to get and a little bit of money.

“Now what are you to get?” Dori tightened the cloak around Kili’s neck, smoothing out the material so it kept him nice and warm.

“A... a... um...” he huffed a breath out. Really he wanted to get sweets but Dori promised cake if he did this right and he hadn’t had cake since Durin’s Day. “A pound of... beef?”

Dori smiled. “Exactly. For what price?”

“Two bits, but four if they will not go down.”

Dori grinned. “Good lad. Now, Fili, what are you to get?”

The blond tilted his head in thought. He barely understood money but that was the point of this lesson so he was careful in paying attention. “A pot of ink.”

“For how much?” 

“Three bits.”

“Or?”

“They will take the three bits or I will not purchase.”

Dori laughed. “Good on you lad. Good on you. Now, Ori, no quills this time. What are you to get?”

Ori frowned. He wanted his quills. “Loaf of bread.”

“For how much?”

“One bit or two.”

Dori hugged his little brother who groaned. He got up onto his feet from where he was kneeling and opened up the door. “Remember to stay with each other. If you have any trouble you come to me. I won’t be far.”

All three coursed their agreement and hurried down the small hill with Dori following.

Their little boots slopped in the mud and snow. When Ori nearly fell in a large puddle Fili had grabbed him and carried him until many of the waggon ruts in the small road were filled in with dirt and not freezing water. He didn’t see how Kili frowned, or his hands tightening in fists inside his cloak.

Fili’s nose twitched a little. The market smelled different from when he was first there when Thorin first became his papa. It smelled dirtier. He sneezed a few times but the smell would not get out of his nose. He wiped his nose with his sleeve and that helped a little. The people that walked around smelled of either heavy soaps or were very dirty and it made him blanch. Some would laugh and just talk, others frowned heavily while making purchases, a few he saw were pressing their faces together.

“What are they doing?” Fili asked.

“Kissing.” Ori said while he buried his cold nose into his scarf. At Fili’s confused expression Ori pointed to a sweet looking couple that had just shared their public kiss. “Dori says that if you kiss like that you have to get married to that person because you love them more than anything.”

“Mmmmarried?” Fili rolled the word over his tongue. It was weird to say.

“Yes, so they can become mommies and daddies.”

Fili didn’t understand anything about that but he did understand what Ori had said earlier. “What other kinds of kisses are there?”

“Dori kisses my cheek to say he loves me as his brother. Nori kisses my head to say it. I have seen some adults kiss because they are 'just friends'.” Ori scratched around the wool scarf that was starting to chaif. “I think there are other kinds but I don’t know them.”

“Friends kiss?”

“I think so. Like this.” Ori pushed his scarf down and pressed his lips against Fili’s very quickly.

There were a few people that made a cooing sound that pulled the two children’s attention from their conversation. Fili grabbed Ori’s hand and pulled him deeper into the market. Adults were weird.

It wasn’t until they were done that they had noticed that Kili was not with them. Fili started to panic. He called out Kili’s name a few times only to get no reply. He remembered what Dori said, if there was trouble to go to him. Quickly he hurried around trying to find one dwarf in a sea of others. In the end it was Ori who found Dori who had a very upset Kili holding onto his leg. 

“There you two are. An how did you fair?” Dori asked trying to resist removing Kili’s death grip on his leg.

“We got everything you said, but the baker wouldn’t take less than two bits for the loaf. And Fili got the pot of ink for three bits like you said to.” Ori said as he took Dori’s hand, the loaf of bread held to his chest.

“Good, now lets go back and have some lunch and cake. You all did very well.”

Kili did not eat his cake. He did not touch his lunch. He only slumped in his chair with his arms folded over his chest with a fierce scowl. He ignored everyone around him until finally he had enough and stomped into the bedroom and slammed the door.

He didn’t like winter. He didn’t like Dori’s lessons. He didn’t like Ori. He didn’t like Fili. Especially when Fili and Ori run around together. Fili was his friend, not Ori’s!

He continued to fume alone until Thorin came home with Vili. When Vili came into the room he hugged his father tight and cried, “I want to go home!”

Vili shared a confused look with Thorin as the brunette finally broke down and cried. Fili tried to reach up for Kili but Kili only screamed a “No!” and buried his face into his father’s beard. This in turn caused Fili to start crying.

Thorin took Fili’s hand, pulling him away and closed the door. 

“No! Kili!” Fili shouted.

“Shh, shh,” Thorin stroked Fili’s hair. “Fili, tell me what happened today. Do you know what might have upset Kili?”

“No.” He wiped at his nose with his sleeve once more. “We had lessons on how to buy from the market today. Me and Ori had fun... but Kili stayed with Dori.”

“Ah.” Thorin smiled softly. It didn’t take much to figure out that Kili was jealous. He had been slowly getting increasingly jealous over Fili’s attention being directed to someone else. “Do not worry, urazad. He is worried that you have replaced him with Ori.”

Fili’s eyes became huge. “No, no!”

“I know, I know.” Thorin soothed. “But Kili must realize this on his own. You must remember though, when you have more than one friend you must give them equal attention or the other will become jealous.”

Fili huffed and grabbed onto his father. Things were easier to understand in the wild.

\----------------------------------------------------------------

Vili tried to calm his crying boy. 

“Gimlel, what’s wrong?” He tried to ask between gasps and chokes of the youth.

“I wanna see mama.”

“Mama’s not well yet.”

“I don’t care!! I wanna see mama!!” Kili screamed so loud it caused Vili to wince.

“You can’t.”

Kili’s only reply was an ear piercing screech that Vili was positive would make it hard for him to hear for the next couple of years.

“Fine!!” He managed to yell over his son.

When the scream stopped his shook his head at the disorientation that such a tiny thing could cause. He had a whole new respect for single parents as he could pass his child off to his brother-in-law or to his wife. But he was pretty certain most children were not the living terror that was Kili. 

Vili put Kili down, “Get your boots.”

He followed his son out of the room. He sighed when Fili tried to approach Kili but the boy only pulled away with a deep frown.

“Even childhood is complicated,” Vili sighed.

“So it would seem. Fili’s been becoming friends with Ori.”

“Jealousy of the Durins is a hard thing to take.” Vili chuckled remembering when Dis first planted her fist into his gut because she thought that he was even tempted to see another woman. “Listen, Thorin... You know that I appreciate all you are doing for Kili and Dis.”

“You’re taking him to see her?” Thorin’s shoulders squared off. He knew his brother-in-law long enough to know when he was skirting around a subject. “Is she well enough?”

“She... is getting better.”

“Then he stays here.”

“Thorin, I think it would do them both good.” Vili reasoned. “I will personally watch over them, Balin will be there too.”

Thorin swallowed around the hard lump in his throat. He didn’t like it. Something itched at him from under his skin. He shook his head. “No.”

“They both need this. It has been months, they are both still child and mother. Perhaps it is the medicine Dis needs.”

There was a long silence only filled with the sounds of Kili trying to avoid Fili. “He does not stay the night.”

Vili smiled. “Thank you.”

\----------------------------------

When Vili took Kili back home he found his wife in the kitchen. Balin peeled a potato with a knife not far away.

 

“Darling?”

“Hm?” She didn’t turn around from the pot she stirred.

“We have a guest tonight.”

“We do? Well I wish you would have said so... sooner...” Dis had turned around, her eyes falling onto the form of her son.

Her knees hit hard on the floor, her arms outstretched as her little boy ran up. She clutched him tight crushing him against her breasts.

“Oh my baby, my gimlel.” She pulled back enough to look at his little hands and his lovely little face. She showered him with kisses and hugs, not once willing to let him go fully. She shook with relief. “I missed you so much.”

“I missed you too, mama.” Kili buried his face into her shoulder, their same colored hair blending together making it so one could not tell where one began and where one ended.

That evening Vili took over cooking with Balin helping while Dis sat at the table with her son on her lap. She combed his hair for well over a half hour. She kissed his chubby cheeks and whispered how much she loved him. But while she whispered words of love she slipped poison into his ear.

“I love you so much. Only mama could ever love you this much.” She cooed low enough for her husband and Balin to not hear.

“But papa loves me too, and so does uncle Thorin.”

“Well yes, but they don’t understand what true love is. True love is to keep the one and only dwarf that matters to you out of harms way at all costs.”

“But I’m not going to be hurt.” Kili was getting confused. Mama never lied to him, but he knew that papa and Thorin loved him. “Uncle Thorin takes good care of me and Fili protects me. But he’s being stupid and likes Ori more than me.”

“That’s because he’s a wicked thing.” Dis said softly. 

That didn’t sound right. “No, he’s not.”

“Yes he is.” She kissed his temple as she saw her opening. She had to keep her boy safe as much as she could even if it meant sowing seeds of deceit. “He likes Ori more than you and he’ll never love you as much as mama. You have heard him lie haven’t you?”

“He doesn’t lie.”

“But he calls Thorin his udâd when Thorin is not.”

That... that was true. Maybe...

“He thinks you are not as important as Ori when you are even more so.”

He looked up at his mother’s face. 

“Mama would never lie to you.” The poisoned words fell from her lips and into her innocent child.


	5. Lies

It wasn’t hard for Kili to start to believe what Dis was telling him. His mother had never lied to him before and everyone called her sick when she was not coughing or sneezing. Being so young he could not grasp the concept of mental illness, so he put two and two together and got whatever number his mother told him to have. But he was rather certain of two things. One, Papa and Thorin did love him. Perhaps not in the same way as his mama did but they did love him. If they didn’t then why would they hug and kiss him? Why would they make him smile and laugh? So they must love him. Right? Two, Fili, even though he was stupid and liked Ori more now, was not a wicked creature as his mother wanted him to believe. Fili even gave him a friendship kiss when he got home from visiting his mother.

But as time drew on the more he got to visit his mother, the more she got to whisper into his ear. And his certainty began to fray, the threads slowly breaking as he watched his family with her words in his head. Slowly, he started to believe that Fili really was lying to him about being his friend. Whatever Fili needed Thorin got him, so Thorin had to love Fili more than Kili. And that meant that Thorin didn't love Kili at all. Ori still got a lot of Fili’s attention when Kili felt as if he should be the only one to get that attention. Thorin, Balin, and Papa even lied to him over and over again that his mama was sick.

“Why is Fili so dangerous?” Kili asked one day.

Dis tied her son’s hair back. “Because he will end us all if he is allowed to.”

“Why?”

Once Kili’s hair was tied Dis spared a glance over at Balin who was taking a nap by the fire. The early spring rains had come and the storms brought with them the first aches to his aging bones as the rain tried to melt the high snow. She worried her lip between her teeth before getting up and ever so quietly slipped into her room. She brought back a very old book. It was not large and had strange handwriting inside that Kili did not recognize.

“Now, only the women of our family are supposed to know this,” she whispered, sitting down and pulling Kili onto her lap. “But I will need your help if we are to help Fili.”

“Why does he need help?”

“So that he doesn’t hurt anyone.” She opened the book. Thumbing through the old, crisp pages. “It is very important for the women of Durin not have a blond baby. Something very wicked could live inside him that will make him hurt other people so we have to make sure that he can’t.”

She flipped to a page with a strange drawing on it. It was of a lion wrapped in chains held by an elven hunter. The lion was attacking helpless dwarven women and children as they tried to scramble for safety. Kili whimpered at the frightening depiction as his mother spoke clear and calm. “He’ll change and hurt so many. He’ll kill them and eat them up.”

“But-”

“You have to keep this a secret. So we can help him.”

Kili felt his mother kiss his head then she was getting up and putting the book away. He watched her as she went around the home as if they had not talked at all. 

All of this was so confusing to him but mama never lied. Which meant that Fili really was dangerous.

That night while the others slept on the floor again, next to the fire, Kili found he could not shut his eyes without seeing that horrible picture. He was scared to sleep. Fili could reach over at any moment and gobble him up. This fear, it was a terrible feeling.

A hand tangled in his hair causing him to stiffen. His breathing came in quick and fast. His fists clenched in front of his face as he squeezed his eyes shut. 

He was going to get eaten. 

A raspy tongue dragged over his cheek.

Mama was right! He was tasting him! 

Fili was going to eat him!!

He screamed. Shoved Fili’s face away from him. His feet kicked Thorin in the side, his arms peddling back. He wasn’t looking where he was going. His hand fell into coals, his sleeve caught fire. The shrill noise coming out of the little boy changed to a horrible pounding sound as he felt his skin start to cook.

Fili grabbed him, yanking him out of the fire. Large hands suddenly were on him, Thorin awakened by the screams. He ripped off Kili’s tunic, the fabric landing on the floor where Thorin stomped it out. Within a blink of an eye he had Kili in his arms and out the door. He shoved Kili’s burnt arm into the snow that was piled up against their home.

Thorin kept Kili’s arm in the snow as he shouted at Fili, “Get a healer. Now!”

Fili quickly ran off to do what he was told.

Thorin’s heart was hammering in his chest. He had to press himself into the snow as well to keep the crying boy in the cold. He tried to say soothing words but they all caught in his throat. Kili knew better! He knew the dangers of a fire, if not by being told then what had happened to Thorin in the forge.

“What were you doing?” Thorin managed to find his voice, it snapped and was harsh.

“F-fili-” Kili hiccuped through his tears. He couldn’t feel his arm any more and the rest of his body was very cold. “-was gonna eat me!”

“Why would you think that?! Fili would never hurt you!”

“Ma-mama said so!”

Thorin’s heart stopped. Dis... What had Dis been doing? Wasn’t her visits with Kili chaperoned?

“What did you say?”

“Mama doesn’t lie! She showed me in her book! Fili will eat me!” He sobbed harder. “I don’t want to be eaten! He’s supposed to be my friend!”

Thorin shook and not from the cold. He fell silent, taking Kili inside. He sat the boy at the table and lit a lantern. Soon Fili came back with a healer that was possibly as old as Balin. Thorin knew him from his own injury from the forge. Oin, he was a good sort and the best one to deal with burns. 

He pulled off dead skin and lanced the larger boils. Thorin kept Fili from Kili, pulling the child to his side whenever the blond reached for the injured boy. 

“And how did this happen?” Oin asked as he worked.

“Kili was scared, so I tried to comfort him so he could sleep.” Fili grabbed one of Thorin’s hands and set the palm on top of his head trying not to panic. He didn’t understand why Kili was acting so strange of late. He didn’t know what to do, and now he was burned. It made Fili’s insides hurt like when Thorin had stopped being his udâd for those days long past. 

“You were going to eat me!” Kili shouted in defense.

Oin gripped Kili tight while he tried to put salve on Kili’s burns. “Do not move laddy.”

“I would never eat you!!” Fili yelled absolutely hurt that Kili would say such a thing.

“You were tasting me!”

“I was not!”

“Enough!!” Thorin roared making the boys snap their mouths shut. “Kili. Fili would never try to eat you. Whatever your mother told you about Fili it is a lie.”

“Mama doesn’t lie to me like you do!”

The king felt as if he had been slapped. “I... lie to you?”

Kili had fat tears running down his cheeks again. He rubbed at his eyes as Oin wrapped up his arm in bandages. The healer professionally ignored the conversations knowing full well he had heard ten times worse before.

“Y-you don’t love me like mama does.” Kili sniffled. “You don’t love me at all, just like papa.”

Thorin didn’t say anything. He only patted Fili on the head and quietly stepped out of the house. He didn’t grab his cloak. He left his boots and if anyone saw him they would have sworn they saw a very angry, blue eyed demon stalking the night.


	6. never again

The shouting woke up half the village. The booming roar of Thorin’s voice only flooded out when thunder rumbled overhead. Dis' desperate screams worried many. Cloaks were pulled on as dwarf and human neighbors gathered around, whispering to each other. Many of the men were tense waiting for the sound of something to break or the soft impact of fist hitting flesh to run in and aid the woman they were certain was being harmed.

The front door swung open as Thorin stalked out, the citizens of their little village quickly separating to give him a wide birth. 

“Brother no!!” Dis threw herself after him. She fell into the mud and snow, her hands clutching at his tunic. “No! You must see! He will end us all!”

“He is a child!!” Thorin took her wrists and forced her away from him, throwing her onto her back. “You have poisoned my nephew’s mind and now you taint even my own child with what you have told Kili! We believed innocence could help you but... but you remain sick. I will not risk him to fall further into your perversions!”

“Perversions? Perversions?!” Dis struggled up from the mud, her husband coming to her side to help her up and hold her back. “I have been trying to save our family!”

Thorin looked physically ill and so sad. “Take her inside Vili... She cannot be left alone and she shall not see Kili again.” He shook his head and started to walk home.

“Thorin. Thorin no!! NO!” She clawed at the air, her voice raw as she screamed after her brother. “Fili will devour us just like Frerin!! Please! Listen to me!!”

Thorin continued to walk. Her yells dying away the closer he got to his hut. _“Fili will devour us just like Frerin!!”_ The king felt his stomach lurch. His dinner spilled out onto the road with every heave that accompanied the memories of his long since dead brother. The smiles, the laughs, the arguments and fights between brothers that grew up only ten years apart. Those years were so close by dwarven standards, it made them inseparable even on the battlefield. 

He held his head as a painful dry heave caused his head to throb. The sounds of metal clashing echoing instead of thunder. The first drops of rain made him flinch. It didn’t feel cold to him, only hot in the memory of fresh blood fanning out in the air and onto him. He fell to his knees trying to fight back the memories of that terrible battle. Every time he remembered, his head split, his heart hammered, and his body became ill for days to follow.

“Udâd.”

A hand pressed against his head.

Blue eyes slowly looked up meeting eyes the same color as his own, hair as beautiful as Frerin’s, nose like Dis. How did he not see it before?

Fili stroked his father’s hair the way Thorin would do to him when he was upset. Two powerful arms wrapped around him, pulling him tight against a broad chest. He hugged Thorin around the neck, burying his face into the wet black locks of hair. His father had been away for a long time. Kili had already fallen asleep and Oin had grown impatient for his own bed. So Fili had went out to find his father. He followed his scent and found him here, kneeling in his own vomit as something made him smell so sad and afraid.

“Come home, udâd.”

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ori was actually a pretty good friend, Kili discovered as days passed. Ori knew a lot about different things and since Kili could not do much but sit and do his studies he spent more time with the redhead. They made up stories together, they drew pictures and Ori even gave him a book to do whatever he wanted with. Something called a journal. At first he didn’t care for it but the more he looked at it the more it seemed familiar.

“What are journals for?” Kili asked one day while Thorin spread balm over his burns.

“To record your journey. So that people know how you lived. Fili told me that Ori gave you your first journal. Have you written in it yet?” Since Kili got burned Thorin had been extra nice to him, reminding him every day that his uncle loved him just as much as his mama loved him. He missed his mama but... he had to admit he didn’t like how she made him scared of Fili, or how she wanted him to believe that Thorin didn’t love him. He was slowly starting to understand that even someone’s mother could lie. As to why, he couldn’t.

“No...” Kili frowned as his arm was being wrapped. 

Seeing the upset expression on his nephew Thorin asked, “What is it?”

Kili looked over to Fili who was sitting quietly with his chin in his hand, eyes trailing over the lines of khuzdul written in a book Thorin had bought in the market recently. He climbed onto Thorin’s lap, pulling him down by his braids and whispering in his ear.

“Mama’s journal knew Fili’s secret.”

Thorin’s heart stopped. “What?”

“She showed me a scary picture in it. A bad kitty was hurting dwarves and she said that Fili would do the same if we didn’t help him. But...” Kili pulled back and looked at Thorin with an open soul. “How did she know? I didn’t tell her the secret.”

“Good question.” He set Kili down on his lap properly. “Very, good question.”

The next day, instead of going to the forge Thorin went to the mines. He made sure he went early catching the miners that milled about gathering in groups for a morning chat before they had to slip down deep in the mountain’s roots. He spotted a familiar hat in a large group of dwarves.

“Bofur.”

“Mornin’,” the dimpled dwarf grinned. “Heard a kind of rumor about ya’ not a minute ago.” He leaned in, his thumbs looped in his belt. “Is it true that you’ll be takin’ the little ones completely under your name?”

Thorin frowned. “I hardly see how that is any concern of yours.”

Bofur nodded politely. “I’m only asking, seein’ as what you already are savin’ up for. Havin’ two little one’s to care for will make it difficult.”

“I have been managing quite well.”

The miner pulled the king to the side away from possible listening ears. “Thorin, you already get half my wages for good reason. If you need more just say.”

Thorin smiled a little, “I am not going to pull you out of house and home.”

“Oh I wouldn’t dream of it. But I could give you a counter offer, Bifur’s on the road again with his family so I’ve got an extra room. Seein’ as you still have to pay rent for the forge and the land your home is on, I want to offer you the spare room for you and your boys. Closer to the forge, closer to the healers, right next door is Bombur and his happy brood.”

The king sighed. If he was honest with himself he would admit that things were starting to stretch a little thin. Dori’s lessons cost money because Dori had to supply home and food for Ori and a brother named Nori that Thorin had yet to meet. The forge, buying the ore to work on, rent, food, clothes, and all the healer visits that Kili was currently requiring, all if it added up.

“That’s... that’s kind of you, but really right now I must speak to Vili. Do you know where he is?”

“Sure I know. He’s on my team today going into the east tunnels.” He turned and shouted loudly. “Oye! Vili! Get your sorry arse over ‘ere!”

“Keep barking like a bitch and you’ll wind up getting slapped like one.” Vili pushed through a crowd of dwarves that burst out laughing. His bright smile faded upon seeing Thorin. “Kili?”

“Is fine.”

Vili relaxed, his smile returning. “What can I do for you brother?”

“Kili mentioned something yesterday that I think may help us understand what may be wrong with Dis.”

Vili frowned. He scratched his beard in though. “I’m listening.”

“He spoke of a journal that Dis owns. She showed him frightening pictures from it. I believe whatever is in this journal may give us insight as to what is wrong with her.”

“I have never seen Dis with a journal before.” His brow wrinkled in thought. “But there are plenty of places to hide things...”

“All I ask is that you look for it. If you do, by chance or fate, find it please bring it to me right away.”

“Aye, I will... Now tell a joke so that I don’t have to go to work with a head heavy with thought.”

“Bofur has a wife.”

Vili nearly fell over laughing. It wasn’t the idea of Bofur being with a lass it was the way that Thorin said it in such a stone cold way and how quickly he said it with his lips bent in a frown. His laughing earned him a punch in the shoulder by Bofur who then pointed at Thorin.

“I could tell a few jokes about you laddy, be careful what you say.” 

“Oye, that’s my brother you’re threatening,” Vili slung an arm around Bofur’s shoulders still snickering. 

“Brother or no, he’s still the forge master and I’ve got an order of twelve picks that needs fixin’ by the end of the week. Won’t be trustin’ those to anyone else.” Bofur gave Thorin a wink.

The king sighed through his nose and walked off. Of course Bofur would not trust the mending of his work tools to anyone else. Thorin was the best smithy this side of the Misty Mountains and he was seriously starting to think about raising his prices if not in general then just for Bofur. He was pretty sure Vili was going to come home that day with many terrible jokes that Thorin was the punch line of.

For the rest of the day he worked hard. He pushed himself on the many orders he had waiting for him upon the start of the day. He was pleasantly surprised when Dori brought all three children by for a lunch of bread, cheese, and dried meat. They kept away from the forge and sat on the counter in a little line with dangling feet as Dori rattled on how proud he was of how well all three boys were getting on with each other and how their studies were going better than anticipated. He was quite impressed how Fili took to reading so quickly though writing was still difficult for him.

Thorin politely listened between Dori and one of the children that would randomly call on him and start rattling on about things they saw or what they learned that day. Eventually they had to leave for him to finish his day. 

He was on his last project when Vili came into the smithy. He shifted strangely, his eyes bright with unshed tears. Thorin had not noticed, his back to the dwarf as he hammered out the last of the lumps and dents to make a workable pick, one of many. 

“Th-thorin?”

He didn’t hear him as he struck a few more times, turning the hot metal before quenching it in a large vat of water.

“Thorin.”

Thorin pulled the pick out and placed it to the side. He turned around, wiping his sweaty hands on his trousers. “Vili. Did you finish work early?”

“Y-yeah. East tunnel had little ore, we’ll be digging out a new tunnel tomorrow... um... Thorin... I...” Vili rubbed the back of his neck smearing dirt and mining soot into his skin. “Since I got home early, Dis was taking a nap. I gave a look around like you asked.”

Blue eyes narrowed, “You found it.”

“Amongst others.” He looked ill. “I only read a little. I... I cannot read any more, I couldn’t bare it.”

Vili moved his beard to the side. He reached into his leather tunic and pulled out three small books bound together with a piece of twine and a leather strap. He pressed them into Thorin’s hands, folding his own over his brother-in-law’s. Brown eyes met blue. Vili squeezed Thorin’s hands in a bruising grip. “Mahal’s hammer shielded Fili and Kili well when the gods chose you to guard them.”

“Vili...” Thorin fell short. What was wrong with the man? Was what was written in these pages that terrible?

“I... I must return home, before Dis wakes up. I would, with your permission, like to take Kili and Fili to the markets some day. Spend some time alone with the boys.” At Thorin’s questioning gaze he smiled a little. “Only me, no Dis.”

“I suppose. When you do come to the forge and we can have something to eat.”

“I would like that.” Vili closed his eyes and bowed his head as if given a grand gift that could not be repaid. “I would, very much like that.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Art by Kyuubikun!!


	7. Of Brothers and Sister

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thorin finds out a horrid truth.

Thorin made sure the children were safely asleep with full bellies and heads full of adventurous stories before he looked at the journals. One was newer, filled with hand writing that looked much like his sister’s. He set it aside in favor for the oldest one. To know the full truth he knew he had to start at the beginning. How far that beginning stretched was a staggering feat to comprehend.

The oldest book did not have parchment, instead it was etched leather, cared for with oils and replenished inks over time to keep it as well preserved as possible. Ancient designs scrolled around the margins colored in reds, greens, and golds. Long since extinct animals twined with runes and depictions of rock framed large letters. This was possibly the eldest book he had ever held in his hands, that he had ever seen. It was thin, the words distinct in a long since forgotten dialect. The only reason why he could read some of it was from the fact that he was of royal blood and had been taught some as a requirement for him to shoulder the history of his kin. To remember those long since past.

He read it slowly, having to go back and reread some parts as the translations he made to some semblance to an understandable khuzdul. Eventually he had to get up from his seat at the table to search for some sort of parchment and ink. When he found what he needed he lit two more candles and applied himself. Writing every word down as the hours waxed well into night. It was when those very hours started to wane into morning that he put the book down.

Thorin took a moment before he picked up the translations. They were choppy, but complete enough to make sense for the given time period.

He felt his stomach twist with sickness as he covered his mouth. Fingers ran through his beard numbly trying to sooth the thoughts that grew in his head like vines with the most terrible thorns as he read the completion of this new discovery.

_Be this to the daughters of Aulë, fealty owed Arda._  
Preservation upon the waking dream of the darkening of Valinor.  
The golden light, promised upon the dwarven children the power of the gods. But it was corrupt. Black was the city without the lamps.   
Twisted within the Sleep of Yavanna, a cursed existence.   
Morgoth did not answer. Remained silent upon the pleas of those who followed.   
The light was cursed, pushed well into the belly of the First.  
Death must follow the child of golden light, through birth or through battle.  
Perseverance must be found within for the gods do not answer.  
The gods have no ears. 

This spoke of before the First Age. A curse... for following Morgoth? But they were children of Aulë, Mahal, they have never strayed from his path. 

Something twisted in the dark... 

Death of newborn children...

This wasn’t right. None of this made any sense. It just made him feel uneasy with its babbling madness of some superstitious ancestor. Ravings of a lunatic from so long ago that they could have been the first in their line to succumb to derangement for all Thorin knew.

He pushed the translations to the side and picked up the second book. He vaguely remembered this one. It was his great grandmother’s. She was very old when he first found it. 

His fingers went over the detailed leather fixed with metal and jewels creating a magnificent picture of Yavanna and Mahal together. If he remembered correctly she had struck him hard, the first real pain he had ever felt in his life. She had been furious, shouting at him as she threw him out of the room they had been in, her toothless mouth spitting the whole time. His grandfather explained she always kept the book close. Told him that the journal had been a wedding gift showing how Thorin’s great grandmother belonged with his great grandfather just as Mahal and Yavanna belonged together. 

The memory made his heart heavy with longing. He looked to Fili and Kili who slept tangled together. Thorin never thought upon it but he did wish that Thror had been able to see his great grandchildren. He would have loved them. Insisting on taking them out on long walks even if his knees and old back were about to give. Thror would have sat in bed with them reading story after story, hugging them to his sides, repeating everything he had done for Thorin, Dis, and Frerin. 

“Udâd.” Fili shifted in his sleep, pulling Kili closer to his chest like a cat hugging a kitten. He looked around with sleepy eyes.

“I’m right here.” Thorin said softly from where he sat.

“You should sleep.” Fili’s words were thick since his tongue was heavy from sleep, some drool spilling out of his mouth onto the mattress. He made a little slurping noise too tired to properly wipe at his lips. 

“I must finish something first.”

Fili made a little noise of acknowledgement before tucking his head down into a mess of Kili’s hair and promptly falling back to sleep.

Thorin smiled softly. Fili was a sweet thing. He usually thought of others before himself, and he forgave much. Kili’s jealousy, Thorin’s own neglect of him, which made whatever Dis had done or what Fili thought Dis had done more the worrying. For him to hold a grudge... what had happened?

The question nagged him. It pushed and pulled, nibbled and gnawed, at his brain until he put down his great grandmother’s journal and picked up Dis’.

Her handwriting was much easier to read. It grew from messy childish penmanship to strong bold marks that designated her individuality among other female dwarves that tended to try to place more of a soft touch to their writing. He smiled at some entries that were as simple as; _Thorin is stupid! And Frerin is a thug who keeps taking my toys away!!_ Then there were enduring ones; _Frerin was sweet today. He gave me an apple, first ripe one of the year. I miss going outside to walk but my duties are compelling. I must stay inside. I must learn._

Then something made his heart beat slow. 

-  
 _I learned of Frerin today. I refuse to believe it. He has always been good to all of us, always so sweet and gentle. I simply cannot believe it._  
-

Thorin’s brow creased. He skimmed over the normal entries. Eyes flitting from page to page going back to read the full entry when Frerin’s name was mentioned.

-  
 _The more I am taught by mother the more it makes sense. Frerin... I do not think ill of you. You are just a poor soul that was given a bad life... I understand why mother could not do what needed to be done. I do not believe I have the ability to do so either...  
I’ll keep it secret. I will keep you secret._  
-

-  
 _It happened again today. Mother’s fits. This time, she did not survive. My duties now fall hard upon my head. Mahal shield me with your hammer, I do not have the strength._  
-

He remembered that. Mother would become sad quickly. She would be so depressed she could not see anyone when they stood in front of her. Frerin was the one that tried his best to take care of her. The healers dubbed it a sickness of the heart. There was nothing they could do, it was up to their family to try and keep her happy. 

As heir to the throne, Thorin, did not have time to spare to be with her often. He tried, but most nights when he was too tired to drag himself down the hallway to her room he would be woken in the middle of the night by a tired Frerin that crawled into bed with Thorin and hugged him tight.

He would hold onto his brother, clutching him tight, giving Frerin the relief of sobbing into his night shirt. Since he could not be there for their mother he had been there for his brother. Frerin went through so much. He watched as mother lost her senses little by little each day. Some times she had fits and would hurt him. 

**“Get the knife away!!” Thorin grabbed Frerin and pulled him back behind Thorin.**

**“Don’t hurt her!” Frerin pleaded. “She doesn’t know what she’s doing.”**

**“Does it matter? She stabbed you!!”**

**Frerin turned his brown eyes away from Thorin. Both of their hands pressed against his side that seeped red between their fingers. Still, Frerin was trying to protect the woman that birthed them. He already had a black eye, he had scars that littered up his forearms from where she would stab at him with her forks and knives if he got too close at meal time. Now she had hidden a blade away and waited to strike at him. Her most gentle child. She was getting worse. Soon it would be either her death or Frerin’s and Thorin cursed himself because he did not want a life without his brother.**

**Thorin felt his eyes sting at the memory. He remembered so well that following night, how his brother felt against him as he slept. His head tucked under Thorin’s chin in his fitful slumber. Gold and black hair mixed together over the pillows. He kissed his brother many times that night trying to sooth him. He wanted to protect his brother but he was not sure how. He could not kill their mother, she had been a good woman. But he could not... would not... live without his brother.**

He had been wrong. He lived, only barely. The only spark in his life had been Kili after the child had been born and had started to smile. The smile so much like Frerin’s, and now he had Fili.

Sweet, lovely Fili who looked so much like the brother he had lost.

Thorin took a deep breath, watching the children sleep. He silently prayed to Mahal to protect the children from Frerin’s fate. Then, slowly, went back to reading.

One particular page was warped. Lines of ink and drops made it hard to read, it was as if Dis had written it when she had been crying.

-  
 _I slipped it into his drink... It had done the job. It made him too slow in battle._

_Frerin, my dear sweet brother... Mahal hold you close since I cannot._

_I hope that Thorin may never find out, I know how close they had been. I have little wonder as to why I did not poison Thorin as well. Slowed them both into a death together. I did not do it for I am selfish. I may be married but I still crave for my family. To know I am not the only Durin remaining._  
-

Thorin was still.

There was a faint sound. A tapping. It was steadily growing louder, more frequent. Something tried to push out of his throat but it stopped. Causing him to cough. He blinked rapidly, large tears falling onto the journal page making the tapping sound.

Thorin.

Son of Thrain, son of Thror, sat in the dark. Like a small child lost in a battle field he leaned forward, dropping the journal from his hands. He curled in on himself and silently cried, trying not to wake the children. 

He had just learned a horrid truth.

The brother he loved so much, had wanted to protect with all his heart and soul, had been sentenced to death by their sister who they had trusted with their lives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ssssooo, yeah, that happened.


	8. Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thorin remembers some time he had spent with Frerin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Frerin is such a sweetie pie. 
> 
> I'm not sorry for this! What I am sorry for is some of the romance novel dialogue. I wrote this at 5am and my brain is still sleepy.
> 
> I also hint heavily as to some truths in this chapter.

Thorin had been working all day. Between training, political lessons, rhetoric, ancient khuzdul, math, and common he had no time to steal away for his usual bout of play with his brother. They were still young straplings but duty was duty, and as Thorin was the first born male and Dis was the only daughter. They were constantly busy leaving Frerin alone to his own devices. He usually was reading, seated at a windowsill. Sometimes he would be found in the kitchens offering extra help or even down in the training ground helping to sharpen axes or swords. He was a sweet thing, gentle and kind.

It was on a particularly sunny day that Thorin found Frerin sitting in his usual windowsill, the stain glass filtering over him making his golden hair seem almost copper. Frerin’s curly hair was bothering him, he had the look of a fresh bath and always the dwarf’s hair would curl into ringlets if left to its own devices. He groaned for the upteenth time and blew up around his nose in an attempt to get the lock of hair out of his face.

Thorin felt his heart flutter a little. He watched Frerin pull his bare feet up under him so he could hold his book in his lap and try to tame the wild mane of his hair. Something about him, about his brother made him want to stay with him, beside him, forever. He didn’t know why. He just... did, he always did. It didn't help that puberty was smacking Thorin around a bit.

He stepped up, pulling out his travel comb from his pocket. “May I?” His voice rumbled gaining his brother’s attention.

Frerin groaned, “Yes, please. I swear I would have chopped this all off if I wasn’t a dwarf!”

“Don’t say that.” Thorin smiled as he sat down, his brother moving to present his back to Thorin. He started at the bottom of the long locks and worked his way up. “Where are your beads?”

“You know I can’t keep them in when this cursed nest is drying.” Frerin moved a little, the sound of a page flipping showing that he went back to reading.

“I heard that hobbits have curly hair. Maybe you were a hobbit in your past life.”

The blond pushed back, his head dropping against Thorin’s shoulder as he did. “Don’t even joke about that. Hobbits are... are... well they are terrible warriors and rather spread rumors than anything else.”

“I heard the Took family was good with other races.”

“Maybe being reborn as a Took wouldn’t be so bad, but I rather be a dwarf. We’re the best race.” He smiled. He hesitated for a moment, then his lips were on Thorin’s cheek. 

Thorin stiffened, but he closed his eyes and leaned into the kiss. It felt so nice, so wonderful and relaxing. Something about the kiss eased something inside of him that he did not know was tightly wound. He wrapped his arms around Frerin instinctively, pulling him fully back and onto his lap.

Frerin twisted in his arms, placing the book down and hugging Thorin close.

“Thank you.”

“For what?” the raven haired prince asked.

“For not being disgusted with me, for not pushing me away.”

Thorin buried his face into Frerin’s half combed hair and took in a deep breath. He always smelled of freshly tilled earth and fresh grass. Such a natural smell, nothing like the iron tange and musk that people had said that Thorin had. He ran a hand through Frerin’s hair, his fingers getting tangled in the unbrushed knots.

“Do not speak of rebirth like that... I would not have you taken from me.”

That night Frerin could not sleep. He slipped into Thorin’s bed, the book he had earlier left abandoned on his own. He had been crying.

“Thorin?” Frerin nudged his brother.

“What? What is it?” Thorin moved in the sheets, having to roll over.

Frerin shook his head while hugging himself. He gave a small sniffle. Thorin pulled him into his bed, holding him close. He placed gentle kisses on his brother’s face earning a slightly relaxed Frerin.

“What happened?”

“I... I’m just being stupid...” He said.

Thorin was quiet. He knew eventually his brother would tell him what was bothering him. But he never did. He stayed quiet, pushing his face against Thorin’s pillow. A fresh sob ripped through him and it broke Thorin’s heart.

“Shh, shh,” Thorin rolled Frerin onto his back. Thorin moved on top of Frerin, blue eyes meeting brown. “Frerin.” He caressed his brother’s cheek. “Whatever has upset you, let me take it away.”

Frerin was then kissing him, their lips parting in favor for clumsy tongues and desperation. Thorin wanted to take this pain away but whatever was plaguing Frerin drove him into his own kind of need. It was as if he realized a terrible secret and he needed to forget. 

Their hands fumbled pulling off nightshirts and small clothes. They held onto each other, kissing every bit of flesh they could reach as their hands explored. Hips rutted, erections rubbed with a delicious friction never felt before in such a way. They were both so young, hormones had barely taken hold of them for only a few years. They covered each other’s mouths when they climaxed, spilling their seed upon each other. 

Afterwards Thorin stroked Frerin’s hair, his fingers ran over a large ear. When it elicited a purr he did it again. The shell of Frerin’s ear slipped between fingers, earning the most amazing moan Thorin had ever heard in his whole life. He did it again out of curiosity, and again Frerin made that lovely, lovely, sound. 

“S-stop.” Frerin’s mouth fell open, panting harder with each stroke.

If just touching could do that then... Thorin leaned over and ran his tongue across the soft skin behind Frerin’s earlobe. His brother bucked against him with a helpless whine. Thorin smirked. Oh he was going to have fun with that, but for the time being he would relent to his brother’s request. Instead he placed kisses down his jaw to his lips where they shared another clumsy kiss.

They slept well that night, holding onto each other.

It was some time after that when Thorin found Frerin once more down in the training halls. Frerin came more often, even though they did not get much time to talk, with only their nights were spent together, just being around each other relaxed Thorin greatly. Yet, there was one thing that bothered him. Frerin never told him why he had been crying that night. When asked he still would not say. So, Thorin, at a loss, let it be.

As time passed Frerin became interested in the bow. It was the only weapon he could not grievously harm himself with. Thorin had to be taken to the healer twice when Frerin got a hold of sword and axe, the older brother suffering terribly from anxiety. Frerin was still proud of himself for not lopping off a limb. Thus the bow was bestowed upon him. He managed to snap the string in his face on the first try which made him depressed until Thorin told him while petting his head, “You finding a way to hurt yourself with every weapon shows you have talent.”

“I’m a terrible dwarf.” Frerin whined.

“You’re a strange dwarf, which makes you perfect.” Thorin smiled.

“I’m trying to be depressed. You’re not helping.”

“My apologies.”

Frerin adjusted himself until his head was on Thorin’s lap. He heaved a sigh, “I know you’re trying to cheer me up but I just... I know I’m not a good dwarf.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because the others talk about me. I hear them, some of them call me an elf.”

Thorin bristled. “You are no elf. Do not listen to them.”

“I don’t want to be an elf.”

“No one in their right mind wants to be an elf.”

“Legolas still being an ass to you huh?”

Thorin looked away. “We’re done talking about elves.”

Frerin fell silent. That night he didn’t go to Thorin’s room. Nor the next, or the next. He spent more time in the training halls, showing how very adept he was to the weapon. When Thorin would come into the room they would share a few pleasantries and Frerin would soon leave. It bothered the older brother. Actually, it tormented him. The denied contact of his brother, of his lover, was making it hard for him from wanting to leap across the tables at meetings and attacking. Especially when Thranduil paid homage to Thror and brought his brat, Legolas with him. Legolas tormented him with bragging about how much of a better warrior he was than Thorin. He hounded him with questions about how dwaves could ever be so silly/stupid for believing in Mahal of all gods. Then there were the wonderful teases of how he heard that Frerin was gifted in the bow and how the dwarf being so fair was just a misplaced elf. Oh, that got Thorin thrown out of the meeting real quick as well as Legolas. They were supposed to be future allies and they were not off to a good start. This behavior forced the pair to be ordered to spend time together. Most days did not end well.

It was this time spent away from Frerin that had soured the younger's mood. He grew jealous and it was hard to bottle it up. He took precautions in removing himself from Thorin so he was not tempted to harm him or call him a cheating bastard. He spent more time in the training halls so that he could concentrate on something that would not allow his mind to wonder, much like reading granted him. Eventually he spent most of his time outside. One of the guards took him under his wing and started to teach him how to hunt. When he got his first turkey he was so excited and presented it as dinner for his teacher. Balin was a great man, just barely climbing the ranks.

“So what’s gotten you in a knot, laddy?” Balin asked one day while they were walking outside the gates of Erebor.

Frerin ran his hand through his messy hair. He managed to knock his clip out. He bent over and grabbed it. His fingers traced over the engraved metal. It was last years birthday present from Thorin, made by his own hands. He sighed. “I’m being a fool is all... I know Thorin doesn’t like that elf boy but...”

“I know where you’re coming from.” Balin smiled with support. “The first time I got someone taking my attention away from my brother Dwalin... well, Dwalin broke his leg so he would have to stay away from me. He didn’t know it was the royal recruiter, quite the feat for such a small boy.”

The blond let out a laugh. He had been wondering why the main guard recruiter was restricted to his office and never left behind his desk. To have his leg broken by a dwarfling, oh that poor man.

“I am glad I can say I am not that bad... though sometimes it’s hard to restrain myself.”

“I’m actually quite impressed by your willpower. The jealousy of the Line of Durin is infamous.”

Frerin gave a half shrug, his gaze back to the clasp. “I’m not much of a Durin.”

“You hold a hidden meaning under that.”

The prince swallowed a thick knot in his throat. He looked back at the great gates of Erebor. “Don’t tell Thorin...”

“Don’t tell him what?”

Frerin shook his head and continued to walk. “You are a good friend Balin. I want you to watch over him after... if, if something may happen.”

“Frerin, you’re not making any sense.”

“You know what we should look for? Apples. Apples should be ripening now. I think Dis would like one.” Frerin strode off with long strides of his legs forcing Balin to shuffle after him. The subject dropped.

After Frerin had delivered an apple to Dis he found himself with nothing to do. Despite all the dwarves in Erebor he felt himself alone. The familiar voice of his brother floated down the hall accompanied by that blasted elf. He looked over to the pair that turned the corner, actually getting along as to the point they were not visibly sickened being within a ten foot radius of one another.

“I will admit you dwarves do know a little something about how to cook meat. Red meat is a difficult thing to cook right.” Legolas looked as if he was saying -sorry I have no change- to a beggar on the street.

Thorin only grunted in reply, which was getting somewhere considering he would not even make a noise if someone he didn’t like was around. Which meant they were getting along with each other. It set a fire in Frerin’s belly that felt as hot as a forge.

Thorin’s blue eyes caught Frerin’s glare. The young prince snorted angrily storming off to his room. He slammed the door.

Fuck Thorin! Fuck that stupid elf! Fuck everything!

Frerin paced around in his room. He grabbed his old book and threw it across the room, cursing it in khuzdul. He hated it! If it wasn’t for that stupid book then he never would have ended up in Thorin’s room. He never would have felt those kisses, the tender touches. Hear the sweet nothings as his ear was being nibbled, have hands caressing him.

He stomped over to the window and looked out to the dying day. Dusk was usually very beautiful to him, but at the moment he wanted to do nothing more than to punch that pretty sunset. Punch anything really, maybe even a kitten.

The door opened and closed with a soft click. “Frerin...”

He scowled, turning around to find Thorin. “What do you want? I’m tired.”

“Why did you leave like that? I did not get to speak with you.”

The blond looked stubbornly to the side. “I’m tired Thorin. No doubt you would like to go to bed as well.”

Thorin crossed the room quickly. “Why do you keep avoiding me? What did I do wrong?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Well you are, so speak!”

“Speak about it to your fucking elf!”

“What? You think I wish to be with that elf? He infuriates me! Thror is the one that wishes me to be with him! It is not my choice, you must believe that.”

“Get out of my room.” Frerin moved away when Thorin reached for him. “I want to be alone.”

Something inside Thorin snapped, it was as if he was falling, staggering down an endless void when Frerin shied away from him. He moved forward. He grabbed Frerin and pinned him against the wall. His voice was broken as he slowly released the fistful of hair he did not know he had grabbed. “Don’t shy away from me. Deny me food and water, deny me breath but do not deny me you.” He placed a kiss on Frerin’s lips as an apology for his rough handling. “The elf means nothing to me. I can only have you in my heart, Frerin. You must believe that.”

Frerin’s arms wrapped around Thorin’s shoulders. He pulled him close as their lips met once more. He slipped his tongue against Thorin’s deepening the kiss with a panicked passion. He needed to be reassured. He needed to know that he was still wanted by his brother, that he still meant more than Thorin’s duties and that pretty elf that he was forced to spend time with. 

He pulled at Thorin’s robes forcing him to shed the layers. His brother pulled him from the wall and they quickly shucked their clothing off. Soon as the last article was tossed Thorin pushed him onto the bed. A hot tongue went over his nipple, teasing it with an open mouthed kiss. Delicious fingers trailed down his sides leaving behind light scratches down to his thighs. Caressing hands parted his legs, palms and fingers massaging the smooth skin there. All the while Thorin’s mouth was licking and sucking over Frerin’s chest purposely teasing him.

Thorin wanted to take his brother so badly. He wanted to shove his cock so deep into that body that the younger could not sit for a week. But more so, he wanted to taste, to touch, to feel that body that had been denied to him for what felt like an eternity. He bit down on Frerin’s collarbone, giving a hard suck leaving behind a lovely purple and red blossom. He worked his mouth over to the shallow of his neck, lapping slowly. The moan he got was so wonderful. Every sound he got out of Frerin was like water to a man dying of thirst. He greedily drank every sound up and moved his hands and mouth to gain more.

Soon Frerin’s neck and shoulders were peppered with small bruises and bites. His chest was heaving with deep pants as he tried his best to touch and kiss Thorin back. When his hands went to their erections his wrists were grabbed and pinned above his head.

He looked to Thorin’s stunning eyes. “Please,” he begged, spreading his legs wider in invitation for Thorin to touch him. “Mahal, please.”

Thorin cursed. He got up off of his brother and went into a wild search around the room. He had yet to take the boy in such a way, he could not wait any longer, especially after that pleading. He finally found some oil he could use. When he got back to his brother he bowed his head and groaned at the beautiful sight before him. Spread and wanting. Fingers of one hand stretched out to him, the other gently stroking a weeping cock.

“Hold this.” He placed the small pot of oil into the outstretched hand as he slipped back between his brother’s legs. He took off the top and dipped his fingers in. He looked at Frerin’s face as he slipped his fingers down the long vein of the underside of that throbbing cock, over his ball sack and lower still. He took his time, watching each expression, hearing each lovely noise that left that as equally lovely body shivering.

He took a moment to slip his finger along the pucker of Frerin’s entrance. He carefully slipped a finger in, nice and slow. He felt the unsure clenching and he whispered softly, “It will be alright.” His words puffed over the tip of Frerin’s cock. He slipped it into his mouth very gently running his tongue over the leaking slit. The taste was salty and that wonderful smell of Frerin’s arousal made his cock twitch almost painfully. He continued to suck as he slipped another finger into the dwarf underneath him. Hands found their way into his hair, pulling him off of his tasty treat.

“I-I’m going to come if you don’t-”

“That’s the point.” Thorin definitely wrapped his lips around the side of Frerin’s cock, his tongue slipping around as much of the girth as he could in a teasing way. He added a third finger and had just started to pump his hand causing Frerin to come. The tightness around his fingers made him stop moving them. He waited for a good while, allowing his brother to catch his breath.

Once he was satisfied he started to pump his fingers, fanning them out here and there in hopes to make him wide enough. He smirked when he pulled his fingers out and Frerin, half hard already, mewled in protest. He took the tipped over pot and what was left in it slathered it over his cock, hissing at the pain of how hard he was.

Thorin hooked his thumb under the back of Frerin’s knee, pulling a leg up so he had better access. He lined himself up and slowly pushed in. It was the single most fantastic feeling he was certain he would ever feel. The warmth was amazing but it was the completion that overwhelmed him. Something long lost, his again, only his, forever his. 

He rested his forehead against Frerin’s, panting heavily, body shivering with the need to move. His brother had one hand holding the back of Thorin’s neck, while the other sought his, their fingers lacing together. Frerin’s legs wrapped around his waist earning a small buck of his hips. The gasp from those intoxicating lips made Thorin test a few more thrusts. He growled out his own pleasure as Frerin came undone under him.

“Mahal, p-please~” his mouth was open, his head turned to the side in a pillow of his own golden hair, his lovely neck exposed. Thorin’s own raven locks curtained around them, shielding Frerin’s perfection from the world, his expressions only for Thorin to indulge in. “Mahal, please, f-fuck me!”

Thorin’s hips snapped forward, he moved at a quick and hard pace causing Frerin’s moaning figure to scoot up the mattress a bit. Every thrust he gave made his brother send praises up to their god, which in turn drove him insane with lust. His mouth bit and kissed at neck and lips.

What was his undoing was what fell from Frerin’s lips it was jumbled, messy and misplaced but Thorin understood it. Frerin had said to him, “Oh Mahal, I love you.”

Thorin tipped over the edge and spilled his seed inside of his brother. So blinding was his orgasm that he did not feel Frerin’s second joining his. He gave a few pumps of his hips before collapsing to the side. He winced and fished the empty pot out from under him and chucked it lazily across the room. It broke and he didn’t care. All he cared about were those sleepy brown eyes on him, how much full of love they were.

“I love you too.” Thorin said, suppressing a yawn. He pulled Frerin close paying no mind to the mess of the sheets and themselves.

That sweet touch of hands through his hair lulled him to sleep.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thorin woke from his memories. His head was resting on the table, an arm stretched out on the top the other dangling halfway off of his lap.

He was so tired. Now he was sore and even more depressed. 

Frerin... his lovely Frerin...

“Udâd,” Fili’s little voice spoke up from the floor, those innocent blue eyes looking up at him.

Thorin groaned in pain when he moved. He could feel some of the bruises that Dis gave him, on the night he told her she could never see Kili again, were starting to protest. He managed to slip down onto the floor next to his son who turned to him and wrapped his little arms around his neck.

“Don’t be sad.” Fili said as he hugged tighter.

Thoring hugged his boy. It was nice to feel the positive touch of someone once again. It eased his mind a little. Though, he was certain, what remained in the rest of those journals would haunt him with more than just memories.


	9. new home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thorin can't risk Dis coming after the children, so he moves in with Bofur.

Bofur was a cheerful fellow that always had food to feed a stranger and an extra cot to offer a weary traveler. He lived on the outskirts of their settlement that was barely a village of Ered Luin. He was always the first to see someone come and the last to see them go. Wishes of luck always left his lips with promises to help if ever summoned by his friends.

Next to his little hut was a place that his brother, Bombur, had settled with his lovely wife. They had four children and were expecting a fifth. When the two walked with their children they always were told how lucky they were to be blessed with so many little ones, but Bofur knew the real reason. It was love. When you loved someone so thoroughly you did anything for them. You wanted to be with them in every possible way at any given time. And Bombur and his wife, which Bofur called Toffle because she made very good toffee and he could never remember her name, were very much in love. Thus, child after child came and as long as Bombur and Toffle could move he was certain more children were to come.

On a daily basis the little dwarves would rush over to their uncle’s hut and invade his privacy before he went to work or after they heard the door shut when he returned home from a long day. They were a whirlwind of energy that he found wore him out more than mining for ore giving him good nights full of happy rest.

One such night he had ushered the last of the little ginger nuts out of his home and settled in for a good sleep. He was having a good dream of traveling with Thorin off to buy the rest of the Blue Mountains with their hard earned money, finally giving the dwarves of Westron a good home when he was startled awake from a loud knocking on his door.

He trodded out of his bed, dressed in his long underwear, grabbing only his hat. He grumbled a little as he lit a candle, the hard knocking making the wood of his door shake and groan.

“Imma comin’. I’m comin’!”

He pulled open the door expecting someone that had been told of his welcome home that was just passing through. Instead. Soaked in the rain, cloak wrapped around two shivering bundles, was Thorin Oakenshield. Two packs were strapped to his back, hastily placed.

The early spring rain was mixed with snow that set the usually stoic man into shivers as he looked at his friend with an expression that did not give any option to back out of. “Let us in.”

Bofur moved to the side, the scuffing on the bottom of his door showed that Thorin had opted to kick instead of knock, “Of course. Just, uh. I’ll start up a fire.”

Bofur shut the door after Thorin carried in Fili and Kili, that took up his arms. He quickly took his candle to the fireplace and threw some kindling and wood inside the cold hearth and lit it with the candle.

He put the candle down on a small table and looked around for a moment. “Uh, I don’t think I have anything that can fit you, but you’ll be needin’ to be gettin’ out of those clothes before you take ill.”

He went into his room finding the largest shirt and trousers he could. Coming back to the main room he found Thorin slowly stripping off his tunic with the help of Fili grabbing at the sopping cloth and pulling it over a mess of dark hair as the man bent over. The little blond took the tunic and threw it over the back of a chair that he dragged over with the help of Kili over to the fire to dry.

Bofur placed the dry clothes to the side as he helped his friend take off his boots. Something about Thorin made him look like he had just gone through a fight that he was barely able to dodge out of. When he got the second boot off that was when he got a good look. The bruises blotted up and down his side were dark purple in color. They looked a few days old, the healing causing his friend to finally feel the effects of it.

“How did you get these then?”

“Dis. When I told her she could not see the children again.”

The miner sighed, placing the boots by the fire while Thorin took off his trousers. “So the sounds that woke up half the village was her really loosen her head over you then?”

“Mostly.”

“And you showin’ up in the middle of the night?”

Thorin frowned even more when the dry trousers didn’t fit. He sighed and put them back on the table and wore just a long shirt. Fili and Kili pulled on the long shirt and he sat down pulling them up onto his knees. They were still tired, rightfully so. He had taken yet another day away from the forge. Read through the journals even though his heart broke with each word written. Then he couldn’t stand it any more. The thought that Dis knew where he lived, knew where to find his son and Kili. It scared him. Usually fear he would not admit to, but this... this depravity of hers, it sent a shiver down into his soul.

Thorin hugged the children closer to his chest. “Dis must not know where they are.”

Bofur stiffened. “She really that bad now?”

“She is far worse than I could ever imagine...”

\----------------------------------------------------

Fili pulled Kili up onto the chair. Bofur and Thorin had gone to work with strict instructions they were not to leave the house just yet. They were not to answer the door, and to stay away from the windows. There was food placed on the table that they were told was to last them all day. But right now Fili had to change Kili’s bandage.

He looked around and went over to one of the packs still in the main room. He dug through it finding the salve and came over to the brunette. He carefully took off the bandages like Thorin had shown him. The burns were a lot better now, they didn’t look like they would scar. 

It was when he was spreading the cooling salv on Kili’s arm that the boy finally spoke up for the first time in at least a day. The little brunette had been quiet ever since Thorin started to talk about how sick Dis was and why he couldn't see his mama any more. At first he did not understand it, but after he got burned and how Fili continued to be a his best friend, he started to put some things together. It hurt, really, knowing that his mother had been trying to use him in order to harm Fili. It hurt a lot. And if Thorin thought it was best to move them in the middle of the night so that Dis could not find them... then she was very bad. She was the one that was dangerous. Not Fili, not Thorin. He had to come to terms with that.

“I’m sorry I thought you were a bad kitty.” Kili’s voice broke when he said the last two words. 

“It’s okay.” Fili smiled softly, his shoulders visibly relaxing. 

“No it’s not... Mama wanted me to help hurt you...”

Fili twitched from the lance of pain that had caused to his heart. Kili... Kili would have hurt him?

The blistered palm of Kili’s slipped into Fili’s. Despite the pain he squeezed the blond’s hand, he leaned forward, resting his forehead on Fili’s shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

Fili moved his head enough to drag his tongue over Kili’s face tasting the salty tears that were silently falling. He would forgive Kili of anything but forgiveness did not stop the pain that stabbed at him. Instead he focused on licking the tears away from Kili, calming his thoughts as he did. 

After Kili’s face was wet from Fili’s saliva and not tears Fili asked softly. “Would you have hurt me?”

“No!” Kili threw himself off of the chair and clutched onto Fili. The older barely caught him before toppling over onto the ground not being able to support the full weight of Kili.

He groaned from where his head hit the floor. He was barely aware of Kili’s babbling of apologies and how he should have listened to his dad and uncle Thorin. The only thing that shut him up was Fili covering his mouth with a hand. He smiled and nuzzled his friend. That stab in his heart was gone. Kili wouldn’t hurt him, would never, ever hurt him. That felt nice.

 

It was few days later that Thorin decided to finally sit the boys around him as he tried to explain his findings in the journals. He had called Balin and Vili to gather with Bofur, Bombur, and Toffle. He needed them to know the gravity of the situation. For every adult involved to know that no matter what Dis was not allowed any where near one of the children again. 

Thorin produced the three books that Vili had smuggled out from under Dis’ watchful eye. His brother-in-law looked away from them, uneasy.

“As it is known to many of us my sister, Dis, is not well. I did not know how unwell until I had read her personal journal as well as the two entrusted to her care.” He placed down the oldest and tapped the cover. “The first is a sonnet. Ravings of someone who believed to have been before the First Age. It was the start of a secret passed down to every Durin woman.” He then placed his great grandmother’s journal on top of that one. He swallowed and put his hand on this one.

“That’s the one mama showed me!” Kili exclaimed.

Thorin nodded. He waited for a moment before opening up the book, finding the very page Kili had described with the scary cat and elf. He handed the book to Vili. The picture was much more graphic than what Kili had said. The chains the elf held were not simply wrapped around the lion but hooked into its meat. There were dismembered bodies laying about as the lion bit down upon a victim. The elf in the picture was serene, with one hand held up in a holy gesture the other holding onto the chains. Vili made a disgusted sound in the back of his throat and passed the book over to Toffle who gasped at how horrid the picture was. Bombur quickly took it from his wife and stroked her back.

“This book, is not what it would seem. It is not a journal but instructions. There are many contradictions, one being that only dwarves may slay the beast or an elven right. All because of a belief that every golden haired child born to a Durin is to be slain at birth or in battle, yet the only reason being that there maybe a possibility of the child being different from the others.” Thorin spoke up.

“Different? In what way?” Balin asked when he got to see the picture after Bofur. 

“A preposterous notion that the child can become a flesh eating beast. This book,” he took it from Balin and placed it down. “is a guide. It tells how to teach the daughters of Durin how to fully believe these lies. How to keep it secret from the men. It instructs on the proper way to slay the newborn, and if the newborn lives on how to properly dispose of it through other means. It even instructs on how to take the women who marry into our line to believe such things.”

“And if they don’t?”

“They are executed.”

Toffle took a visible step back behind Bombur who held her to his side. “That is... awful. So awful.”

“I agree, you should get rid of that wicked book.” Bombur frowned deeply. As loving parents they could not understand such thoughts and they did not want to. 

“Now, wait a moment.” Balin paced a few steps he could take. “If what Thorin is saying is true, that Dis was raised to believe all of this then the book would give us strategic insight as to what she may try to do. But my question is, why now? What triggered this? Yes blond dwarves are rare but she has met many before, even Frerin was blond. So why focus on solely Fili?”

Thorin swallowed hard. He looked to Fili and ran his hand over his head. He knew the truth now, how he had no right to call Fili his son. He would give up the world not to have to admit it.

Vili spoke up, “Thorin, you don’t have to say another thing.”

“I do.” He spoke to Fili and Kili now. “Kili... your mama had a baby before you.”

“She did?”

Thorin nodded, “But she was very bad and left him in the woods to be eaten by animals.”

“What?! I had a brother? And mama... Well she’s not getting Fili!!” Kili got up from his seat on the floor. He suddenly grabbed Fili and held him tight against his chest, nearly choking the blond. 

“Kili... Fili is your brother.”

“You don’t know that Thorin.” Vili said almost painfully.

Thorin shot a piercing gaze up at Vili. “Look at him. He has Frerin’s hair, blue eyes of the Durins, and Dis’ nose, your cheeks and chin!”

Kili let go of Fili and went over to his father. “Papa, papa, is that true? Is Fili really my brother?”

Vili looked at Thorin carefully before he looked to his child. He picked up Kili and felt such a sadness for his brother-in-law. “We believe he is...”

“Udâd.” Fili scrambled over to Thorin. This wasn’t true. Thorin was his father. Thorin was the one that held him close, who hugged and kissed him. He was the one that knew his secret and still loved him as much as Kili did. He didn’t know Vili. He was Kili’s dad, not his.

Thorin closed his eyes and turned away from those pleading eyes that begged him to say this was a bad joke. He felt bad for Fili for being so intelligent. It would have been much easier if he was like Kili and just accepted it.

Then Kili said something that made Vili laugh. “Fili! Fili!! Do you know how lucky you are? You have two papas!”

Vili agreed loudly, “Yes, yes he does.”

Thorin looked up to his companions who all shared the same look. They wanted him to take this chance and remain Fili’s father without removing Vili’s role. Thorin cursed himself for being so selfish. All of the joys of fatherhood should be Vili’s not his, but he took it. He reached over and stroked Fili’s hair.

“Udâd.” Fili leaned into the stroking touch. “If Vili is my other papa, then who is Frerin?”

 _He should have been your other papa._ Thorin stamped down on the thought. Frerin deserved more to his memory than ‘should have been’s and ‘could have’s. 

“Frerin was your uncle.” Balin said softly. “A very good man.”

Fili looked at Balin for a long time before he looked back to Thorin. “May I call Kili, brother?”

“If you would like.”

Kili gave a shriek of excitement that caused nearly everyone in the hut to wince. He wiggled down from his father’s grip and ran over to Fili hugged him tight. He squeezed Fili so hard that he made an odd cat like wheeze. 

“It is late.” Thorin tapped to top of Kili’s head with his knuckles. “Get ready for bed.”

“I get to sleep with my brother!!” Kili screamed running out of the room, dragging Fili by a hand.

“Speaking of brothers... Shall I tell them or should you?” Vili asked kindly soon as the children were out of hearing.

Thorin gripped Dis’ journal. He held it out for Balin to take. He stood up and walked passed them, silent and heavy bodied. Balin placed a hand over the journal and sighed, letting Thorin go. He was one of the very few that knew what had been shared between the two and he would keep it a secret, but he would also let the other continue to mourn. In their world, it was not often one out of a pair lived long after the other was gone. It was a hardship he could not understand.

Balin opened the book in his hands and slowly thumbed through it. He finally came to the passage of Dis’ confession. He read it out loud feeling the words drop from his mouth, heavy as the hardest stone. Once the last word was read he closed the book in the silent room.

What did they do? By their laws she should be executed. But was that fair punishment when one was raised to be insane?


	10. Kids will be kids

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thought we needed some more Fili and Kili.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this one hasn't been edited

It will be always safe to assume that children do not have the same social structure as adults. When presented with a long lost brother at such a young age it made one wonder; how did the sibling title work? Was it something you gave to someone? Was it something you were born to? 

Fili and Kili had no idea. They didn’t know what brothers did, it only made them feel closer. And when several days passed with nothing to do during the day but stay inside they would continue being friends just calling each other brothers. Eventually they ran out of things to do and they laid on the floor with a sweltering stint of boredom. 

“I miss Ori.” Fili sighed.

“I do too.” Kili whined. “Hey, do you think he’s our brother too?”

Fili thought about it still not understanding exactly what a brother was. He was barely able to grasp what a father was because all the effort Thorin put towards that. “I think we have to ask him first.”

Kili rolled on the floor onto his stomach. “You think he wouldn’t want to be our brother?”

“No. I think he has two brothers already and he never gets to see one. Remember, he said Nori doesn’t come home a lot. He gets collared.” He wrinkled his nose at the realization he had no idea what that meant.

“So?”

Fili sighed. “So, he won’t get to see us a lot too. I don’t think we should be mean brothers and get collared as well.”

“I would never get collared!” Kili laid like a worm on the floor, such the extent of his boredom that he would not move. “And used to see Ori all the time. We just need to have him come over again.”

That was true. They did get to see Ori almost every single day but now they didn’t get to see him at all. Fili’s eyes grew wide as something popped into his mind. “Do you think Ori got collared?”

Kili gasped, pushing himself off of the floor. “That would explain why he hasn’t been over. We should go help him!”

Blond hair flared up as Fili shook his head, “No. No. Udâd said we have to stay inside.”

“But this is Ori. We’ll be careful, make sure no one sees us.”

Fili bit his bottom lip. Thorin told them that they needed to stay inside no matter what, but Kili was right, if Ori was in trouble then they should help him. He looked to Kili then nodded. They scrambled to put on their boots and pulled on their coats. Kili creaked open the door a little, looking outside at the empty streets. He waved to Fili before they slipped out of the house. They snuck past the hut next to the one their’s, the sound of something breaking caused them to pause. They hurried to the other side of the hut, going around the corner and pressing their backs to the wall. They heard Toffle yell about how she had just told someone to be careful. There was sounds of glass being picked up then the door to the front opened as she stormed out with a huff stuffing her rubbish into some basket to be taken care of later.

“Ow!” Came from inside. 

The woman sighed, hefting her pregnant belly with indignation and patting it. “By Mahal, please don’t end up like your sisters little one.” She prayed before going back inside with a shout. “I just told you!”

Taking their chance the two brothers darted off, holding hands as they hurried on their quest to save Ori.

Their adventure was short lived when they realised, they had no idea where Ori lived. So they did the next best thing and went to places that they had seen him before. They pulled up their hoods when it started to rain, still hand in hand they went from their old home to one of the fields to the west where they knew Ori would take time to go and sketch things when he wanted to be alone. They tried the old tavern where Ori took them once to get scones, the tavern keeper knew him well. He wasn’t there either. 

They looked towards the market place. They would definitely get into trouble if they went there. The forge was there and Thorin would surely see them.

Fili’s head twitched. He pushed off his hood, the sound of the rain drumming on the material was dulling his sense of hearing. He tilted his head, ear up in the air as he waited for what he heard to happen again. There it was. A scream. It sobbed and yelled and all of it in Ori’s voice.

He broke into a dead run, Kili following close behind. He rushed into the marketplace having to stop and listen for Ori once more. There was a man’s voice with Ori’s, someone Fili had never heard before.

“Enough already!”

Fili shoved passed a few dwarrow and dodged around the long legs of the humans. A heat started to bleed through his mind. It pushed everything into a haze making thought hard to understand and instinct more lingual. 

He stopped when he saw some strange male with three spikes to his hair pulling Ori along by his wrist. Ori’s face was streaked with tears and snot ran down his nose as he just blubbered and shouted, “No!! No!!”

Fili shifted his shoulders, hunching down, eyes narrowing on the dwarf. He bent his legs and leapt forward. His shoulder slammed into the adult’s side with enough force to toss him to the ground. The tip of Fili’s fingers were like claws as he batted at the man tearing at his thick coat.

Ori grabbed onto Fili’s coat and screamed again pulling at the blond, “No! Leave Nori alone!!”

Fili halted, the heat in his mind subsiding a little as he panted. He looked at the dwarf under him, he was almost half his size yet he was pinned with tears in his clothing. There was shock and possibly fear in those eyes that looked at him around a raised arm that bore the slashes of claws.

He was grabbed harder and pulled off of Nori. His back hit the growing mud forcing him to look up at the gray sky. The rain felt good on his hot face. 

“Nori are you okay?”

Fili sat up seeing Ori try to help the man up, the same one that made him cry so badly just a moment ago.

“What were you doing?!” Ori yelled at Fili while Nori tried to smear mud off of him.

“But he was hurting you!” Kili barked as he helped Fili up.

Ori stamped his foot when his mind would not grasp a proper reply. Nori had just come home after being gone for so long again, they were out spending time and Ori wanted another quill and book but Nori wouldn’t buy it for him. He was throwing a fit, not being hurt. “No!” was all he could come up with to say to Kili. He was so angry, so upset with everything, for not getting his quill and book, for Nori getting attacked. He was even upset that he had not seen Fili and Kili in so long only to have them do this. So he said something he didn’t mean. “Go away! You hurt my brother, I don’t want to see you again!!”

When they didn’t move he shouted louder, “Go away!!”

“What is going on here?”

Fili and Kili froze. Oh they were in big trouble. They turned slowly, looking up at the tall dwarf behind them. The cold blue glare of Thorin bore down on them.

“U-uncle Thorin.” Kili whispered, grabbing Fili’s hand and squeezing it. He could already feel the sting on his butt from the paddling he was certain he was going to be getting.

“Udâd.” Fili pointed at Nori. “He was making Ori cry and-”

Thorin pointed down the way where his forge sat. His lip curled, he was so close to foaming at the mouth from the anger he felt right then. “Get to the forge. **Now**!”

The two scrambled quickly not wanting to invoke any more anger from their guardian. Thorin looked to Nori and Ori, he folded his arms over his chest. “I didn’t mean just them Nori.”

Nori nearly spat in frustration. He picked up Ori and set him on his hip, he not so happily went to the forge, Thorin barking at the people that stood around to watch. 

When Thorin got back to the forge he did indeed bend Kili over his knee and paddled his behind and did the same to Fili. Once on their feet again the rubbed their sore butts, lips pushed out in pouts as they tried not to cry over the pain.

“What were you thinking?!” Thorin yelled at them both. “I told you to stay home!”

“B-but... we...” Kili choked on a cry. He didn’t like being yelled at especially after being spanked. He sniffled as tears ran down his face. “We haven’t seen Ori in so long so we thought he was collared.”

Thorin pinched the bridge of his nose. “Where did you hear that term?”

“O-Ori.” Kili wiped at his nose with his sleeve.

The king shot a glare over to Nori who glared back. “Don’t blame me for what Ori tells people. I can’t control his mouth when I’m on a job.”

“Your job is gathering information not other people’s things!” Thorin snarled.

“I’ve gotta feed them somehow! I don’t mind being behind bars as long as Dori and Ori get to eat! You of all people should know that!! Or do I have to bring up what you had to do to make sure Dis had food when she was with child?”

“Don’t mention that woman again.” Thorin grumbled. He looked down to Fili and Kili. “Why would you think Ori was in trouble?”

“We just wanted to make sure he was okay...” Fili said quietly, wrapping his arms around Kili. He always took his punishments much easier than Kili did. “We had not seen him in so long... We thought something might have happened.”

Nori looked at Ori who had calmed down from his previous rage. The little boy squirmed, pulling at the knitting of his gloves with a large frown on his face. Nori rolled his eyes and put his brother onto the ground. “Well go on then.” He pushed Ori forward.

“But...” He looked up, dark eyes looking at the cuts in Nori’s clothes.

Nori only shook his head. Something that told the little redhead to forget about it. Ori looked to Fili and Kili. He nearly ripped his gloves apart as he stammered out an apology. “S-sorry... I-I d-d... don’t want you to go away.”

“Really?” Fili asked softly.

Ori nodded, coming a little closer. Kili suddenly grabbed Ori and pulled him close. All three of the children hugged each other, Ori still apologizing softly in their little circle.

Nori then looked up at Thorin and hooked a finger through one of the tears in his clothes. “You owe me.”

Thorin pulled Nori to the side so the children would not hear. “You breathe a word of this to anyone and I’ll make you disappear.” He threatened.

“Have some faith in me, you know me better than that.” He shook his wrist free from Thorin’s grip. “Dori’s right, you’ve become more intense. What’s happened while I was locked up? But more importantly how can a kid slice up leather like he did to my coat?”


	11. Struck Deals

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pushing this ship along so we get get to land where I can freaking get epic again!

“We have a deal then?” Nori hushed while Thorin closed down the forge. With three children present he could do no more work unless he wanted to risk their rambunctious antics. Even though Kili knew far better, he would not risk it.

Thorin nodded. “Yes. As long as you keep yourself quiet about Fili I shall take care of Dori and Ori.”

“And?” Nori’s eyes narrowed, he wanted the king to finish.

“You will gain the same privileges as Bofur, same deal.”

The thief nodded with a pleased look. “I won’t let you forget it.”

Thorin took off his leather apron and put it up on a hook. “It is time for you to have faith in me now. I keep my word, in which you have.”

Nori looked down at his little brother who was in the middle of looking at Fili’s hand trying to understand why his nails looked funny. He was surprised he was taking this so well. Fili, a skin walker, a shapeshifter. In his travels from home he had heard of only a few, men said they were cursed, elves never spoke of them, and a wondering gray wizard said it was a very old magic that could be either a blessing or a curse. He had liked the wizard, he was a gentle bloke that had a smile that could charm the silver off of someone’s quick tongue. In fact that very wizard was someone he could prod for more information. He had just struck a deal of his life time. A king to guarantee food and shelter to his brothers and when they could buy the whole of the Blue Mountains and make Ered Luin into more than just a settlement but an actual home then him and his family would be sitting pretty with the ownership of land and a proper place to live, not some ramshackle of a shed. All he had to do was help Thorin learn how to teach Fili how to keep his abilities under control.

A hand clasped him on the shoulder. He folded his arms, “Would you believe that I’ve seen far worse things?” 

Thorin was quiet, thankful that Nori was answering his unspoken question. Nori really was taking this quite well. It had unnerved him a little but Nori was a strange one that even in dwarven terms held the oddest stories of experience.

“Turning into a cat is nothing compared to a goblin giving birth.” He wrinkled his nose. “And even then, there are worse things to witness. Far darker things.”

“I will never ask you to recount that story, rest assured of that.” Thorin offered a tiny smile that showed more in his eyes than his lips. “But your ease in accepting this situation is... welcomed.”

“Ori get your fingers out of his mouth.” Nori nearly snapped when Ori was pushing back Fili’s lips to see if his teeth were any different. He sighed when Ori looked at him and keeping their gazes locked very definitely shoved two fingers into Fili’s mouth causing Kili to laugh and Fili to jerk his head, still like an animal not liking his tongue touched.

“Enough, leave Fili alone. Fili put your hands in your pockets, Kili stay close, we’re going home.” Thorin ordered as he pulled his cloak on.

“NO!” Fili and Kili cried suddenly grabbing onto Ori.

“We just got our brother back.” Fili nearly whined. His bottom lip pushed out into a pout that he had no doubt learned from watching Kili.

“Yeah! Can we stay with Ori?” Kili asked, still a little meek after have been spanked earlier.

“Brother?” Thorin raised a brow.

“He’s our brother.” Kili insisted while Fili just rubbed his face against Ori’s, picking up Ori like a mother cat to a kitten.

The king sighed, he would need to explain how family structures worked at some point. Right at the moment he felt a bit ragged from the strain of having to explain to someone of Fili’s “condition”. If he was honest with himself he had been prepared to kill Nori if the dwarf showed any sign of breaking the confidence he placed in him. The thought of it twisted his stomach but he would do anything to protect the children... even if it meant murder and he hated that thought. It made him feel ashamed and sick that he would even contemplate such a cold act. Especially against someone he had known since their settlement had started to build over twenty years ago.

Because of his dark thoughts Thorin had come to a decision that he would talk with Balin as to what to do with them. The stress of leaving the children, the possibility of Dis finding them... it was driving him mad and he would not have himself hurt a good friend over paranoia. 

“Buy you a meal if you pay to replace my jacket and bracers.” Nori offered his voice cutting through Thorin’s thoughts.

“Fair enough.” Thorin nodded. “Best to let the children interact for a while.”

After that day Thorin made sure that the children were not left alone. He did have a good heated conversations with Toffle and Bombur as he had entrusted them to watch over Fili and Kili during the day only to have Bombur leave quickly for work and Toffle neglect the boys when her own started their own version of a revolution. Thorin shouldered the blame, knowing he should have gotten someone more reliable considering Toffle had so many children already and Bombur who was on a rocky job that either laid him off at a moment’s notice or called to work harder than ever. It was discussed and decided that even though it pushed back their plans of purchasing the whole of the Blue Mountains Bofur and Thorin decided it would be best to bring Dori into the circle and inform him of the rules of keeping Dis in the dark as to where their little family was living. And Thorin would talk with Balin more to ease his burdened mind.

It was a good arrangement. It lasted them into the summer of the next year, making sure that the curious kids got to have more interaction with Ori, who they insisted was their little brother still, and somewhat get along with some of Bombur’s children though fists have been exchanged by Kili and Ori when a few called Fili a coward because he would not wrestle or act out on more violent activities. When they would get out of their skirmishes they didn’t care if they got yelled at or even spanked. They would find Fili and hug him close. Kili would pet Fili’s hair and tell him he was a good kitty. Ori would elaborate how stupid the other kids were for being mean to Fili because Fili was just doing what his daddy told him. 

The blond was under strict instructions to leave a fight behind by Thorin. He was never allowed to fight, not until his udâd was able to properly teach him how to control himself. But it was so hard to not growl and hiss when he could hear the fighting outside. He clawed the walls and shouted in rage until Kili and Ori were safe inside and he could make sure they were not hurt badly. That, of course, lead to Thorin having to tell Bofur about Fili’s abilities. Bofur didn’t come home for a week, when he did it was like nothing happened. He scooped up Fili and Kili. Encouraged them to play with his braids while Thorin eyed him warily. Bofur explained that it was a scary thought, but Fili was still just a lad not old enough to swing an axe. He had a good heart, and that’s all that mattered.

Then something horrible happened.

Their door was hammered on. The late afternoon sun drying up the late spring mud. Thorin opened the door to find a huffing Nori. 

“What is it?” He demanded.

“Bifur,” Nori huffed. “His caravan was attacked.” He swallowed before coughing having run a good distance after his pony’s heart gave out. “Get Bofur.”

“Where is Bifur?”

“B-Bree.”


	12. Traveling Fevers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've based Belladonna's looks off of the portraits you see in the Hobbit movie that are above Bilbo's hearth.
> 
> I also based the hobbits off of what I've seen in LotR and the Hobbit where they are gentle folk but they really are full of scowls, don't want to interact with outside species, and are reluctant to help unless asked by family or close friends.

Taking the little ones with him to Bree was a hard decision to make. There was no requirement for his family to even go. Bofur and Bombur were capable dwarves, they had packed efficiently and quickly pulling as much information from Nori as possible as they did. Bifur has been on his trading route, not much more was known as Bifur was the only survivor, even that was not guaranteed.

It was when Nori went to fetch some ponies that Thorin looked down at his two little ones. He didn’t know what to tell them. They had never met Bifur, they were upset mostly because Bofur and Bombur were. But something in their little faces made him do something he usually wouldn’t. He took a risk with them. He packed up their bags, got two ponies, and joined Nori, Bofur and Bombur on the road. 

Fili was not nearly as happy to be moved about the countryside as much as Kili was. The brunette took as much time as he could to be on his feet, running from field to forest, to creek. Anything new he touched seemingly amazed by the condition of the soil from one spot to the other, even more so with all the different plants. He would grab fistfuls of the strangest leafs, dug until his little fingers bled to fish out roots. Thorin had tried his best to keep the child from damaging himself, he had to scold him for bringing along useless grass every time they packed up camp and traveled for the day. 

One day Bofur handed Kili a small satchel. “Here you go laddy, keep your plants in this.”

“You are not helping the situation.” Thorin pressed his palm against Fili’s head, the youth had been acting odd for the last couple of days. Not venturing far from Thorin’s side even refusing to tag along with Kili as he usually did.

“He’s a child, not even old enough to pick up an axe. It’s good to encourage curiosity, keeps the mind sharp.” The miner rubbed his hands together. It was obvious he was desperately trying to keep the worry at bay. He watched Kili run around, grabbing things and stuffing them into his new satchel. Bofur swallowed hard, a smile forced onto his lips. “I used to watch over Bifur’s little girl, Mythur. She liked to collect stones. Said she could talk to ‘em.” His lower lip trembled, his eyes misting as his voice came distant, cracking under the hurt. “Was hopin’ the lads would have g-gotten to meet the lass. Lovely thing she was, they would’ve liked her.”

There was a heavy silence. Thorin reached over, his hand patting the back of Bofur’s elbow in condolence. It seemed to be all the comfort the miner needed as he nodded several times, swallowing hard and moving back to his brother and Nori. That night Thorin didn’t sleep. Bofur and Bombur’s grief weighed heavily on him, it was palatable and brought back many memories of his grandfather, father... and of dear Frerin.

The next day they entered Westmarch, it was also the day Fili became upset over nearly everything. When he ate it was little, when he drank he complained, when he was picked up and placed on the pony he moaned his discomfort. Kili could keep him silent for a few blessed hours, petting golden hair, whispering sweet things making the larger of the two boys lean against him heavily. Fili developed a raspy breath soon after and a fever that hurt his skin. It forced Thorin to find shelter as soon as he could. It was difficult as the nearest place was a small area called Hobbiton. He had never been there before, always having passed by it to the north in favor for a quicker passage to Bree. There he was not well greeted by the town’s folk as hobbits preferred to stay by themselves and didn’t like the intrusion of outside company. He was on his own as he had encouraged Bofur and Bombur to continue to Bree. He would meet with them there after Fili recovered. 

From hobbit hole to hobbit hole he went, knocking on doors, or asking hobbits that were working outside for aid. All turned him away. 

Fili whined in the heat of the summer sun, his fever starting to worsen. Thorin kissed the top of his son’s head.

“Why aren’t they helping us?” Kili asked. Even he knew, as small a child as he was, this was terrible behavior. 

“Do not concern yourself with it.” Thorin said. He closed his eyes for a moment, his mind silently pushing down the welling fear that was squirming in his stomach. Fili was only getting worse. 

Eventually he met a tall human in gray clothes that brought him to a large hall that was barely tall enough for the human to stand in. He held Kili’s hand and hugged Fili to his hip, his chin held high as he scrutinized this place.

So far his opinion of hobbits was of a low standing. Any dwarf and most humans when called to help an ill child would leap at the chance. They would be properly hospitable and do everything in their abilities to make sure the child recovered. Here, they scowled because they were strangers. They turned their noses, shook their heads and left them out in the beating sun. Only one was kind enough to offer them water but nothing more. Terrible things, these hobbits nothing at all like what Frerin had read in his studies.

“Gandalf.” An old hobbit hobbled on his cane over to the human that looked just as old as he. The old hobbit reached up like a child forcing the human to bend down to share a hug. The hobbit laughed a soft sound, much akin to not seeing an old friend for a long time. “I wasn’t expecting you for another fortnight! What brings you here so quickly?”

“Grave business I’m afraid Gerontius. May I introduce you to a friend of mine, Thorin Oakenshield.” Gandalf moved as best as he could to the side.

The hobbit looked to Thorin then the children. While he hobbled to the dwarf Gandalf continued to speak. “His child, Fili, has fallen ill during their travels and cannot go any further.”

Gerontius held up a hand, “May I?”

Thorin hesitated before he nodded. The old hobbit barely came up to his chest and his back was bent but he did not seem hindered by either as he managed to reach up and slip his fingers into the thick mess of Fili’s hair to feel the back of his neck. He frowned and rather rudely stuck his finger into Fili’s mouth eliciting a weak protest and shake of the boy’s head.

He took his finger to his nose and took a deep sniff, his wrinkled face pulled into a deep scowl. “Where did you come from?”

“The Blue Mountains.” Thorin answered.

“South, north or directly across from here?”

“Somewhat north. Why?”

“You’re boy has Rushock Bog Fever, or also called Bog Sickness. Your travels would not have taken you through there if you were on a good path.” The hobbit scratched a sideburn in thought. “A list of reasons as long as my arm could be given as to why he contracted it though; drinking bog water, bitten by the right bug, exposed to animal droppings from an animal that wandered out of the bog... but it is peculiar that a dwarf would have contracted it... Dwarven kind never get ill.”

“Some of our young and elderly will.” Thorin said softly as Fili gave a rattling cough while wrapping his little arms around Thorin’s neck. “Do you have medicine that I may be able to purchase for him?”

“No.” Gerontius said sadly. “There is no cure for Bog Sickness, he must fight it off.” He then slammed his cane down a few times, the loud tapping done more of him making a decision than to get anyone’s attention. “Right! We’ll find you a nice place to stay while he recovers, there is little we can do for the pain he suffers but what we have is yours. But it is best that your other sweetling is not exposed to the illness any farther. It is contagious and will become more so soon as the fever burns hotter. I’ll have my daughter watch over him.” He turned a little shouting down the hall with a set of lungs that Thorin was surprised he had. “Belladonna!!”

“NO!” Kili shouted grabbing onto Thorin’s leg.

“Kili I-” Thorin’s words stuck in his throat as a pretty hobbit lass came into the room. Her hair was dark and flowing, face heart shaped, brown eyes starkly different from the blue dress she wore. If it wasn’t for the hairy feet poking underneath her skirt he would have sworn she was of human noble birth. 

There was something so very strange about her.

“Master Oakenshield has a child with Bog Sickness, I need you and Bungo to watch over his other little one.” Gerontius motioned over to them with his cane.

“Of course.” She smiled. It was a lot like Thorin’s own mother’s smile, it stirred something inside him that he wasn’t quite comfortable with.

With each step she took towards them Thorin felt his heart beat a little harder. When she came up to them he took a step back, pulling Kili with him. She looked to him with something that made Thorin look away. He swallowed hard, his hand pressing Kili’s head against his leg. 

She unnerved him. Why did she unnerve him?!

“It’s alright,” she said softly. She held out her hand like the human males do. “I’m Belladonna Took-Baggins.”

Took? Thorin felt his heart skip a beat. He hadn’t heard that in so long. Why did it give him hope?

He slowly took his hand from Kili and hers into his. He squeezed gently only to have her give a rather crushing grip. She shook his hand with vigor. “Master Oakenshield it’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“As you Madam Took-Baggins.” He managed to push out.

“Pleasantries to the side, I imagine I know where my father intends to let you and your boy stay.” She let go of his hand. She tucked her skirts behind her knees as she squatted down to look at Kili. “And you’ll be staying with me at Bag End sweetling. Your papa can visit a lot, it’s just down the road.”

“He’s not my papa.” Kili frowned. “And I’m not a sweetling! I’m a dwarf!”

“I’m his uncle.” Thorin filled in.

Belladonna gave a nod as she frowned and touched her chin in thought. “Well, if you’re a dwarf then flex your arm so I can feel your muscles, all dwarves have muscles.”

Thorin couldn’t help the small smile that tugged at the corner of his lips when Kili was egged out from behind his leg. The boy stood proud flexing his arms like he had seen Dwalin do a few times. The hobbit lass reached out and made a rather big production of feeling Kili’s nonexistent muscles. She fanned her face with her hand, “Oh my~, you’re so big and strong! You definitely are a dwarf!” This instantly gained her Kili’s favor as she gave him more compliments and he preened over every single one.

It relaxed Thorin a bit, especially when her words held true. They had taken Thorin to a little hut not far from Bag End. Its structure was temporary, even the straw stuffed mattress was badly stitched having been meant to be emptied and disposed of.

“I’m sorry that the conditions are not better.” Belladonna said softly as she stepped in after Thorin, her hand holding Kili’s. “My husband, Bungo, and I were staying here while he finished up Bag End. We were going to take it all down in a week.”

“As long as there is a roof over the children I cannot complain.” Thorin said truthfully. He used one hand to adjust the mattress before laying Fili down. He was asleep, worn out from travel, heat, and sickness.

“We’ll bring you some supplies and dinner and supper when it is done.”

“Dinner and supper?” Kili asked after he was caught in trying to go to Fili’s side.

Belladonna smiled, “Hobbits have many meals little dwarf and we need to make sure everyone stays strong and gets better. So I need all the help you can give me.”

Kili gave a worried noise looking back at Fili. “I-if I help you will Fili get better?”

“Of course he will.” The hobbit stroked Kili’s back. “Now, lets go get those supplies.”

Kili looked back several times before the door to the hut was shut, his eyes having a hard time leaving Fili’s figure.

 

It was late that night when Gandalf came to visit, Belladonna and her husband were good folk, much better than the other hobbits in Hobbiton. Gandalf sat in a little chair looking much a giant as he looked over Fili. “His color is fading,” he said softly.

“He worsens, his pains making it hard for him to sleep.” Thorin stated as he refreshed the cold cloth he pressed to his son’s forehead.

“Rushock Bog Fever is a terrible thing, will claim many lives in a year.” Gandalf sighed. “But, if symptoms are treated and he drinks plenty of fluids he will pull through. I do believe... yes, yes, I do.” Gandalf took up his travel bag and searched through it finding several leaves and roots that he handed Thorin. “These should help. Create a paste from the roots and put some under his tongue twice a day and it should help keep him from vomiting. Make a tea with the leaves and it should help reduce his pain. Fili will need to drink plenty of fluids, once his fever breaks he will recover quickly.”

“Where did you get these?” Thorin looked at the plants, he recognized some as things Kili picked up.

“In my travels. They are rare, it is wise to collect them when you come across them. I take you have seen them before.”

Thorin didn’t reply he only set about making a tea from the leaves. Fili was already making terrible noises that stabbed at his heart, every once in awhile his tiny voice would croak out, “It hurts.”

“I owe you much.” Thorin watched the kettle as it heated over the wood stove. “You have helped us without mention of payment. Tell me your price and you shall have it.”

Gandalf smiled, his old eyes twinkling. “You do not remember do you?”

“Remember what?”

Gandalf leaned back pulling out his pipe and stuffing it. He lit it with the a small flame from the tip of his finger, taking in a long drag. He let the familiar soothing buzz of old toby wrap around him before letting out the smoke towards the cracked window. 

“I remember a raven haired lad from a long time ago who had a little brother with golden hair the same as your son’s. The raven was fiercely protective of his brother. Even kicked me in the shin when I dared to ask why the golden haired boy was practicing with a bow and not a sword. Called me a string of things a boy at that age had no business knowing what they were and proceeded to try to shove me in the dirt.”

Thorin’s attention snapped to Gandalf, his blue eyes narrowing at the old man. “That was you?”

Gandalf laughed, “Quite. I still recall I had to apologize to you and Frerin for my rather innocent question. The lad looks much like your brother... Tell me, how is Frerin?”

Thorin looked away, his jaw tight, “He... died in battle many years ago along with my grandfather.”

“I am sorry to hear that, Thror was a good king. Frerin was a good sort as well. Smart too. Gave him a book once that even I couldn’t read.” Gandalf sighed wistfully the pipe tip to his bottom lip. “As for your question before, of stating a payment I require nothing but the boy to get better.”

The king pressed his lips together, tight, as he ran through his brain trying to remember everything this man was. He had vague memories that he had forgotten up until then. If he remembered correctly he had indeed tried his damnedest when he was only twenty to beat up Gandalf, barely able to lift up a practice hammer and he was trying to take down a grown human who _might_ have the idea to insult Frerin. He remembered seeing him with his grandfather, and his father. Then a recent memory hit, Gandalf’s finger being bright for a moment while Thorin was busy.

“You... are a wizard, correct?”

“Yes.”

Thorin steeled himself. “I must request something of you then.”

“What is that?”

“Tell me about those who can change their form.”

Gandalf frowned, “Skin changers? An unusual request that I do not feel obliged to fill. I am sorry.”

“It’s important!” Thorin barely kept himself from screaming. “I...” He took a deep breath. “I must know everything I can. It is of the utmost importance, you must believe me.”

The wizard leaned forward, his eyes searching over Thorin’s for any sort of deceit that might be given. When he saw nothing but honesty and truth he leaned back. “Before I do... I must ask you for a favor.”

“What sort?”

“My travels have taken me far and wide upon Middle-Earth, and I regret not being there when Smaug the Terrible descended upon your home. I had tried to come to your aid but was much too far away. The favor I must ask of you; When the time comes, you must try to reclaim Erebor and I must be with you in your quest.”

Thorin felt his throat constrict. Something about this made it feel as if he was making a deal with the devil. He had little choice though. Fili needed to control himself to be safe. If he changed again he would be treated like a dangerous animal and hunted. Even though Thorin would give his life for his son, it did not guarantee that Fili would live after Thorin had perished at the end of someone’s sword while protecting the boy.

“Very well. You have my word.”


	13. Come morning light

The days pulled on and Fili’s fever only got worse. Thorin couldn’t get his son to keep broth down, all of the herbs that Gandalf gave him and what he pulled from Kili’s satchel had been used up. He tried wetting his head and covering him in blankets but he still burned with a sickness that made all the healers shake their heads and look away. Even Gandalf. 

Thorin resorted to holding his little boy, singing songs of comfort as he shook in his arms. Fili was feather light, he smelled of a terrible sour tart scent that Thorin had only smelled a few times before in his life when someone died of a sickness. Then, one day, Fili didn’t wake up. He was breathing, his heart beating, but he would not wake. 

The proud King Under the Mountain choked on a cry. He brushed seat soaked locks out of Fili’s face. All the songs he sang gave no comfort, all the water on that hot brow did nothing. The herbs were gone. He had nothing left. So he resorted to one last thing. 

He begged.

“Please,” his voice was humbled, quiet and small. He took Fili’s hand into his own. “Please, Frerin... I don’t know what to do... You always knew what to do, please tell me how to-” his voice cracked, a sob dropping from his lips. “I can’t do it.” He blinked rapidly looking up at the ceiling as if he could feel the sky outside. “I can’t...”

He reached over stroking Fili’s face, his chin quivering. He wasn’t a king here. He was no mighty warrior. He was a father, one that didn’t want to let go. 

Large tears rolled down his cheeks as he finally came to the thought that if Fili did not wake in the morning, he would be stiff like clay. His thoughts pulled to his brother, “Take care of him for me... until I can be with you both.” 

He took in a shuddering breath, letting the tears fall as he continued to pet his son’s face. There, he stayed, the ticking of light rain falling onto the small hut. Even the rain sounded like someone was crying. So soft, so sad.

It was late at night, the rain still drumming softly down, when Fili woke. He tried smelling the air but all he could get was a thick pressure in his head that caused a cough followed by a dry heave. He padded his hand on the bed finding the soft hair of his father. With little energy he rolled over, gripping hard onto Thorin’s hair. He was going to miss this hair… miss his papa’s face that scratched his with his beard. He was going to miss Kili more, his smile and laugh, even his temper tantrums. 

He didn’t want to go, even though he had the feeling he had to.

Hands came around him from behind and he was being picked up. He clung onto Thorin’s hair. He didn’t want to go! He wanted to stay!

"No." He weakly protested.

"Shh, it’s okay." A large hand came down uncurling his fingers. “Let him sleep." That hand then went to Thorin’s cheek, caressing the red streaks that was evidence of how long Thorin had cried his grief. Fingers stroked Thorin’s hair out of his face. “See, your udâd is tired, he’s been caring for you for a while now and needs some rest. So, I’ll care for you in his stead."

Fili looked up at who was holding him, his hair just as blond and wild as Fili’s. He had such pretty eyes, brown and warm. “Who are you?"

"Someone that loves you, Kili, and Thorin very much." He stood up fully, adjusting Fili. He felt at home with him. Fili rested his head on that chest, it felt so nice, almost like a mother’s breast. The man’s free hand went through Fili’s hair feeling the heat. “We need to get your fever down my lad."

The stranger took Fili outside, fog casting an ethereal mask upon the world. The rain felt like rocks hitting him from how hot the child burned. Fili pressed his face against the man’s chest making a string of uncomfortable noises. If it was another time and his fever was not so bad he may have noticed some things about him, how he resembled Thorin. How he was slightly transparent in a strange way that made him solid yet an illusion all together. He may have also noticed his ability to smell and how Fili found that he smelled nice, like freshly tilled soil, it reminded him a lot of Kili but there was something else to his smell, something… different.

“Is Thorin a good papa?” He asked Fili.

He nodded. “Mm hmm. But he’s really sad at times... it gets hard to make him smile.”

A cheek was pressed to the top of Fili’s head. “He has gone through a lot, and he will go through more, but do your best to stay with him little one.”

“Okay.”

The man took him to a little creek where he stepped in, holding Fili tight as he waded until the water was up to Fili’s chest. The boy screamed from how the cold of the water hurt his fevered body.

"Shhh, shhh, easy yourself. I have you." A wet had went over Fili’s hair in soothing strokes. He waited until most of the screams ended, dulling down into pained whimpers. “Why don’t you ask me some questions?"

The distraction was welcomed, though hard to fulfill. Every possible question that came to him quickly fled in the wake of the discomfort of his body. Finally he pushed out, “What’s your name?"

"I have a few names… like you do."

"What do you mean? I’m Fili."

He smiled at Fili knowing so much more than the boy. “I was called Frerin." He ran his hand through Fili’s hair feeling that accursed heat dying away. “But when we meet again you’ll find I will have a different name."

"You’ll be different?"

"Yes, but I’ll love you still my little lad." He kissed Fili’s head like a devoted mother. Such sweetness to it, such love and compassion.

He adjusted Fili and left the water taking him back to the house. The sad rain still drumming against the windows. Frerin took Fili back to his bed and laid him down. The youth kept his arms wrapped around Frerin’s neck not wanting to let go. Frerin smiled and kissed Fili’s head again earning an animalistic purr. He was already feeling better and this new person was a very good person. Like his very own mama.

Frerin pulled Fili’s arms from around his neck, sitting on the bed. “I’ll stay until you wake."

"But I am awake."

Frerin smiled again. He quickly changed the subject, “When Thorin wakes tell him I’m still with him, I’ll be with all of you, forever."

His hand found its way over to Thorin’s head, gently picking up some locks of hair. He parted two sections that he started to work an intricate fishtail braid. He started to hum a long lost melody that lulled Fili’s eyes closed much too soon. “Remember to tell Thorin that I love him,” was the last thing Fili heard.

When Fili awoke his fever had broke. Thorin’s hands were on his face checking over and over again for any inkling of heat. He smiled at his son, relief washing over him. Fili’s hand reached up and grabbed some of his hair and tugged at it.

"F-" he gave a small cough. “Frerin said, he said that he’s still with you." Fili tugged on the braid again when his father’s eyes only got wide. “He said he’ll always be with us."

"F… Frerin… you met someone named Frerin in your dreams?" Thorin swallowed hard. He had never told Fili of his brother.

Fili nodded, for having just woken up he felt so tired. “He took care of me while you were resting."

Thorin didn’t know what to say. In his core he felt the shivering fear of his son being so close to death that Frerin had been there. But looking at the braid that Fili clutched he felt his heart flutter with mixed emotions. Frerin used that particular braid as a message, a simple “everything will be okay" message. Fili was too young to braid just yet and…  
Thorin just closed his eyes. He didn’t know how, didn’t truly want to know. Right then, he had his son on the mend and he had many prayers of thanks to offer his loving brother.

“He-he said he loves you.” Fili coughed whining afterwards. He reached up, grabbing at Thorin for a hug. He really needed on considering he felt so icky and terrible.

Thorin hugged Fili tightly. He buried his face into Fili’s shoulder. It took a while but he found his voice. “If you... if you dream of him again, tell him I love him as well.”


	14. Of the Ur brothers

The human doctor had done all that he could. The dwarf upon his cot was unresponsive but he he still breathed and every once in awhile he would make a pained sound. The doctor spilled some more tonic against the orc axe embedded in the forehead working to soften the scab so he could treat the wound properly without reopening it. 

“Excuse me, excuse me!” a voice huffed.

The doctor looked up from his patient to the two short figures standing in front of the small room’s opening, a thin curtain pulled to the side. A round ginger dwarf and a thin brunette stayed at the entrance, having the wild looks in their eyes of the deep want to rush inside. The man sighed, he knew the look of family. It wasn’t the color of hair or the shape of the face that dictated it to him, it was the distraught expressions, the pain in the voices that always greeted him day in and day out.

He took a rag from the side and wiped at his hands as he approached the dwarves. “Hail, master dwarves.” He said in an alto voice. His well trimmed dark hair and beard set him apart from most in Bree as he cared for his personal appearance and by the condition of the run down wooden cabin he had to work in he had tried to keep it as clean as possible, which was probably the only reason why Bifur had not contracted an infection yet.

“Master Nori told me that he would send for Master Bifur’s family. Are you them?”

“Yes, I am Bombur, this is my brother Bofur, we’re his cousins.” Bombur swallowed hard, his fat hands shaking a little. “We… we’re the last he has.”

The doctor nodded. He motioned for them out of the room, their sad, hesitant feet following him after they shared a second look back to the sleeping figure in the cot. He brought them to another room where there were second hand sofas and a few beaten chairs, all as clean as the doctor could make it. He went to the hearth, taking the iron kettle there and setting it over the flames as he set about making tea in an old cracked teapot that looked like it could barely hold air let alone water. 

“W...what do we owe you?” Bofur asked, his tiny voice sounding much too loud in the quiet room.

“We shall discuss that at another time.” He looked into the flames, his hands clasped behind his back. “I would like to first talk to you about your cousin’s condition.”

“Will he survive?” Bombur asked his hands on his queasy belly.

“It is hard to say. He needs time. If he wakes up then I believe he will.”

“How much time?”

“Pardon?”

“How much time do you think he needs to wake up?”

“To be honest, he would be blessed to wake up within the next month. But I will need help in his care as I do have other patients that come and go.”

“We can do that.”

The doctor nodded taking the kettle away from the fire and pouring the water into the pot. As the tea brewed he simply stated, “I have a spare room that you may stay in. I would prefer him to stay within the confines of my home as his condition either digresses or improves.”

“He’ll improve, you’ll see.” Bofur was crushing his hat in his hands.

“In normal circumstances I would agree fully with you Master Bofur.” The doctor poured the tea into mugs and handed one to each dwarf. “Unfortunately the grievance between his injury and his heart may prove difficult to him. Losing family, especially children and lovers can be the death of any man, dwarf or elf. To lose all at once…”

He trailed off, he didn’t need to finish. Bifur may have lost the will to live after seeing his family slaughtered. His injury alone may never let him wake up, let alone his heart. 

“As for payment,” the doctor took a seat. He ran a hand over his head and rubbed the back of his neck. He very much tired, he needed a good night’s rest.

“We don’t have much money,” Bofur nearly stammered. “But what we have it’s yours.”

The doctor fixed him with a calculating gaze. “Tell me, what are your professions?”

“I mine.”

Bombur leaned forward after taking a sip of his calming tea. “I do woodwork.”

The human nodded. “Give me the money for room and board, the rest you can pay off by doing repairs. I have a leaky roof, a few animals living under this building, several drafts and some furniture that needs tending.”

The brothers shared a look. That much work with that much money… it was a lot for payment. Though, how his words came it sounded reasonable. There was little choice in the matter for them other than what the doctor dictated. They both nodded. 

“Until Bifur is better, we’re at your service.” Bofur and Bombur stood up to give a proper bow.

\---------------------------------------------------------

A week later Nori was smoking his pipe, sitting on a crate outside the Prancing Pony. Bombur and Bofur had been working like slaves to that doctor. Bofur managed to get a small side job doing little things for a toy shop to earn enough money to supply Bombur for wood and furniture. Nori even got a few odd jobs to help them out, though he was worrying about Thorin and the little ones. Fili had been looking rather ill when they had left their company.

He looked up at the sky, the clouds moving rather fast. It would be a clear night for them. He drew in a long breath of the smoke, blowing it out slowly. He was thankful that Ori never got sick, out of the three brothers it was Nori, himself that had gotten ill as a child. Almost cost him his life. It was a terrible sickness that he never wanted to see anyone go through again. Him and another child, his best friend Floki had gotten it. While he survived… Floki didn’t. His insides turned to liquid and vomited out right before his eyes. It was a terrible memory.

“Nori! Udâd, Udâd, it’s Nori.”

The thief looked down the road spotting Thorin, his hand holding Fili’s and the small blond holding onto Kili’s. Beside him were two hobbits that looked, by their clothing as hobbits had a tendency to match clothing patterns with their mates, to be married. Thorin looked up from his son to Nori who gave a small wave as if to acknowledge that it was indeed him and not some imposter. 

“Then go and greet him, but do not run.” Thorin let go of Fili’s hand letting the children go faster than him. 

Nori smiled as Kili was torn between speed walking and running like a unbridled pony. Fili was only a little bit faster than Thorin, still looking a bit pale on his lips. Nori tapped out his pipe and stepped on the embers. He pocketed his pipe as he came up to the children, arms out. He crouched down and they hugged him, glad to see a familiar face on their first journey.

“How are feeling Fili?” Nori knelt, his palms rubbing of Fili and Kili’s backs.

“I’m doing well. Thank you.” He wrapped his arms around Kili, pulling him into a hug. “They didn’t let us see anyone for a while.”

“Oh? Why’s that?”

“I could have gotten Kili sick. I didn’t want to get him sick.”

Kili made a miserable sound as he pushed his face into his brother’s shoulder. The two clung onto each other as if confronted with bad news of the worst kind.

“Well, you’re better now.” Nori smiled.

“How is Bifur?” Thorin came up to them. 

The auburn dwarf gave a sigh. He stood up and patted the children’s heads. “Well some days, not well others. Once he woke from his sleeping state but slipped back.”

“I see… Where is Bofur and Bombur now?”

“Caring for Bifur.” He held up a hand before Thorin could ask. “They can explain.”

The king nodded slowly. He then pulled out a small coin purse and handed it to Nori. “Please take the children to get a decent meal.”

Nori jerked his thumb to the building he was next to. “Prancing Pony, best slop for a growing dwarf. It’ll put hair on your chest, and your toes, and maybe even your palms.”

Thorin only frowned at the thief who seemed impassive about it all and took Fili and Kili around the side of the building. 

“Interesting company you keep.” Bungo slipped his fingers into his jacket.

“I must agree with you Master Baggins.” Thorin turned to Belladonna and Bungo. “I want to thank you again for your care and for accompanying us here.”

“Not at all.” Bungo smiled and shook Thorin’s hand with a tight grip. “It has been a pleasure knowing you and your lads. They’re going to grow up to be fine strapping men.”

The king smiled a bit. “Thank you.”

“Just remember, if you ever need to come this way again you’re always welcome to stay at Bag End.” Belladonna took Thorin’s hand and shook it before she quickly let go and cleared her throat. “Forgive me.” She properly curtsied only causing Bungo to laugh.

“You are getting better at remembering to curtsy my dear.” The hobbit looked quite happy with his wife.

“Well I have to say young Kili certainly knows a lot about how a lady is to properly present herself. His mother must be quite the woman.”

Thorin had to keep himself from clenching his jaw. “She was. Very much so.”

“I’m sorry, forgive me, I was not aware she was gone.”

The dwarf just waved his hand dismissively. “Do not worry yourself. As for your invitation to stay at Bag End, I very much appreciate it. If you are ever in need, please, send word to the Blue Mountains, Ered Luin, and I will come to your aid.”

“Thank you very much.” Bungo shook Thorin’s hand once more. “Stay well, stay safe.”

“May Mahal’s hammer shield you.”

He stood there, Belladonna giving one last curtsy before taking her husband’s arm and walking off into the markets of Bree where they planned on some shopping then catching a caravan back to the Shire. He felt his heart yank in the direction of the hobbits. He took a step to follow them, something deep inside of him upset that he was letting them be so far from him. He closed his eyes. 

He didn’t know what was wrong with him. This whole time he had such a hard time being away from Belladonna and Bungo. It was not that their images haunted him, nor their voices plagued him. They just seemed… different, from all the other beings around him. The only similarity he had towards that feeling was with Fili and Kili and even then it was not quite the same. So different, so strange, it was an attachment that was unwarranted. An anticipation of something to come be it bad or good and there was that terrible fear inside of him that he would never know what the reason was.


	15. Little Secrets

“You need what now?” Bombur looked at Thorin with surprise. 

“Wooden weapons for the boys.” The king said once more.

“Aren’t they a little young to be practicing how to fight? They’ve yet to learn all the names of the trades of dwarves let alone choose one to be interested in.” The rotund dwarf folded his arms over his chest with a disappointed look. As a father, he knew when a child was strong enough to start learning to fight, and that was always after they picked a trade. They had to grow more into their bodies before they could properly learn how to wield a weapon. 

Nori cut in before Thorin had a chance to reply. “Bombur, they are princes, they must learn early the consequences of fighting and before we go back to Ered Luin, in which I am certain you would approve of, they need to learn what fights to stand their ground in and others to walk away.” 

Bombur shook his head, “Very well. But remember to not push them too hard, they are small children after all.”

Thorin nodded, turned on his heel and walked away, Nori trailing after him. They went back to the Prancing Pony, up to the room they shared with Fili and Kili where the two boys still slept in a pile of limbs. Yesterday they had ran all over Bree taking in all the strange and wondrous sights of what a “big village” was like. They had stayed up late listening to stories that Nori was fond of telling Ori, their eyes huge as they listened to everything he was saying. It wasn’t until the first rays of dawn that the little ones finally fell asleep. It freed the adults to do a few things without having to reign in the children who grew more energetic by the passing hour.

The king took off his coat and draped it over the back of a rickety wooden chair. He had learned a lot about shapeshifters from Gandalf. His deal still held with Nori as the thief would help him train Fili into controlling himself. They had to start as soon as they could, if not it would be harder on Fili to keep his animal side under control. So they sat around the small table in the room and developed a plan. They would wait for Bombur to finish the weapons, take the boys back to Ered Luin by foot and take their time traveling. The secluded roads would be their route as they needed to push the little blond to his limits, make him change again and again, and they could not risk anyone seeing.

It only took a few days for Bombur to finish some wooden swords and axes, great craftsmanship that Thorin had no qualms with paying a little extra knowing full well these would last a great long time and the hard abuse that was required of dwarven training. While they gathered the rest of the things they needed for their travels back Bofur looked after Fili and Kili at the doctor’s residence.

“I wonder how much the axe hurt.” Kili whispered looking at Bifur’s sleeping form.

“It’s in his head. It would have hurt a lot.” Fili said as if that was the dumbest question he had ever heard. 

Kili reached over fingers about to touch the protruding axe when Bofur found them. “Ah! Don’t touch that laddy!” 

Bofur instantly picked up Kili pulling him away from his cousin. “You don’t want to be hurtin’ him any more now do ya?”

“No.” Kili looked up at Bofur much looking like a puppy being held. “How come he’s not awake? It’s in the middle of the day.”

“Because he needs his rest. Don’t worry, he’ll wake up soon enough and you’ll get to meet him proper like.”

The boy looked back watching Fili play with Bifur’s beard. It was very long and so well taken care of for someone asleep all the time. Kili put his arms straight up slipping down out of Bifur’s hold to run off with Fili leaving the injured dwarf alone. Bofur looked to his cousin then to the floor, his heart heavy. He wasn’t sure if Bifur would ever wake up. If he did, would he be the same? He knew the old Bifur would have loved being around the little ones. He would have picked them up and spun them around, got them to laugh at every chance. Taught them new games and made them toys. 

He sighed wandering off to find the boys. He had to keep up hope. It was all they had for Bifur at this point. As he walked away, Bifur’s eyes started to flutter open.

At this time Fili and Kili had managed to find every room, poke at everything within reach and even managed to hide a good few things in fun. Then Fili started sneezing. A lot of sneezing.

“No, no, no.” Kili fussed wiping Fili’s nose with his sleeve. Worry in his young heart. “Don’t get sick again.”

“I’m okay.” Fili sneezed hard enough for his head to start to hurt. “I-i-it’s just a bad smell.”

“A bad smell?” Kili looked around as if he could see what was causing his lion to suffer. 

Fili sniffed, again he sneezed this time snot coming out to hang on his lip. He wiped it away before Kili could and pointed at a small door that was built into the floor. “It’s coming from in there.”

Kili went to the cellar door. He grabbed the iron ring and pulled on it as hard as he could as he stood on the door. “It’s not opening.”

“What are you lads doin’ now?” Bofur came in as Kili continued to jerk at the iron ring making frustrated shouts.

“There’s -ah- a bad smell -open!!” Kili let go of the ring and stomped on the cellar door.

“A bad smell?”

“It’s making Fili sick.” Kili tried pulling at the ring again as Fili gave another great sneeze that sounded more like an explosion than a simple sneeze. “I won’t let him get sick again!”

“Alright, alright.” Bofur moved Kili to the side. 

He opened the door easily. The miner had to grab the back of Kili’s tunic to stop the child from running down the wooden steps. He pulled the boy up and onto his hip, going down to the dark space under the house. He swallowed hard. Bunches of pants that hung upside down from underneath the floorboards above them. There were racks of the bundles. At first glance they were like any other plant a doctor would keep for his medicines but the leaves were not good. The doctor, it would seem, dealt in poisons and toxins. Every plant in this small secret room was deadly.

Kili gave a terrible sound in the back of his throat as he hugged Bofur’s neck. He buried his face into the dwarf’s shoulder not wanting to look. Something in him shook with fear as he snuck a peek. 

“Bad plants.” Kili whispered.

Bofur held the boy tight. “Aye lad. Very bad plants.”

The miner turned and ran up the stairs. He dropped the cellar door shut, the clap of the wood going down was quickly followed by a scream. Bofur’s heart stopped. Their “good” doctor had a fistful of Fili’s hair. Bofur dropped Kili to the floor and held up a hand as the doctor pulled out a knife.

“Fili!!” Kili tried to get around Bofur who kept him back.

“Now, don’t be doin’ anything foolish.” Bofur moved Kili behind his leg. “He’s just a boy.”

“A prince.” He jerked Fili’s head back making the boy scream. He pressed the blade harder into the exposed neck, the soft flesh pushing around the metal ready to split open at any movement. “That can be worth a lot of money. Don’t you think? A lot more than keeping your cousin under, though, I have to admit, the free service of dwarves is quite the luxury.” 

“How did-”

“Your fool companions need to keep their tongues quieter when making requests. You never know who may be listening even in empty alleys.”

“Why are you doing this? We have no money.”

The human barked in laughter. “I’m no fool! Dwarves always have money, more than they know what to do with!! You hide it away and need some coaxing to part with it. There are two princes if I’m not mistaken. I can take care of one with a spare to bargain with.” His wicked gaze fell on Fili before flickering over to Kili with promise that neither would live if he had his way.

Fili shouted, he thrashed against the man. The boy’s elbow smacked into a tender part just to the side of his knee making him loosen his grip a bit. The knife bit into Fili’s skin, pulling across his neck. Kili screamed at the sight of red spilling from Fili. Bofur grabbed the knife he had tucked in his belt and charged at the doctor, a guttural roar of rage. The golden prince was tossed to the side in favor for blocking the incoming attack. 

“Fili!!!” Kili ran to his brother, wrapping his tiny hands around the bleeding wound. 

Bofur threw a punch, the doctor dodging it right to where the miner thrust the knife in his other hand stabbing him in the shoulder. The doctor took his own knife up high to bring it stabbing down on Bofur’s head when something struck him from behind. It hit so hard it cracked his skull, crumpling him to the floor instantly. Bofur’s eyes were wide as he watched in shock, Bifur awake, eyes wild as he took the heavy base of a candle holder and struck again and again down on the head of the human. The cracking of bone gave way to the sounds of wet tissue being beat only masked by the sounds of Kili crying.


	16. Years Spent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to kind of jump a head of the years, move the story along and all that wonderfulness. And sorry for the typos, don't really have the patience to read over this for mistakes.
> 
> So when I think of Fili just about to turn into an adult I imagine him a bit more lithe in form and very much still cat like. 
> 
> I got permission from the lovely Nautilusl2 to post this picture to you all. Please do check out their wonderful artwork on tumblr.  
> (and since link code is not working here is the url txt = http://nautilusl2.tumblr.com/ )  
> 

If it wasn’t for the fact that none of this was foreseeable, even Nori with his vast contacts had no idea how crooked the doctor had been, Thorin would have gone into an unfathomable rage that could only be sated with blood on his blade. As it was, the cut on Fili’s neck was shallow enough to only leave a light scar. Bofur had done his best to watch over the children and had done mostly what Thorin would have done in such an unexpected situation, though, Thorin was certain he would have thrown his knife into the man’s skull before he even had the chance to explain himself. No one faulted Thorin for punching Bofur upon the site of the children, the blood coating Fili’s front and staining Kili’s hands. No one tried to stop him when he howled to the gods for being heartless and once again throwing his son into the arms of danger. They understood any lesser of a man was in his position they probably would have done much worse.

Immediately Nori and Thorin took the children out of Bree, the dwarves traveled until the boys could go no further on their feet then they were picked up and carried well after dark, the path obscured with night. Well off of the road they made camp. They would not risk their lives once more just for a slip of the tongue in a place that was supposed to be safe to speak. Bofur and Bombur had taken a different route, hurriedly taking what money the doctor had then setting the place on fire to cover up the death of the doctor long enough for them to disappear back into the arms of their kind. No one would dare try to track them in Ered Luin not with how many dwarves resided there. Their travel would be harder on them as their pace was hindered with Bifur. Having only recently woken up from weeks of sleep, his injury as well as his mind making his ability to communicate difficult and his body to wander, they had their hands full.

Now Thorin sat in front of the fire, grease stains on his tunic from where Fili and Kili managed to slop some of their meal onto him. The two boys were covered in his cloak, their heads using his chest as a pillow, little hands clinging onto each other.

He leaned down pressing a kiss to Fili’s head. He would not let his son out of his sight for a long time, not until he knew how to properly defend himself.

“Thorin… I’m sorry.” Nori said, looking his king in the eye. “I should have never told Bombur they were princes, not out loud.”

“Yes, you shouldn’t have.” Thorin’s gaze was hard. “Never utter it again.”

Nori nodded. “You have my word.”

“Good… we will travel for two more days before we begin training them.”

The thief looked to the children. He couldn’t help but ask himself, _what if it had been Ori?_ He wouldn’t have been able to handle it. Not his little brother with how small and helpless he was. He made the resolve that he would train Fili and Kili hard after all, wherever they went Ori was sure to follow eventually.

\------------------------------------------

Training was hard. Fili changed often, especially when Kili was under threat. They had to consistently reign in the little lion, coach him on how to focus his mind through the blinding heat of rage that would overtake him. 

When they got to Ered Luin Thorin had to take back up smithing while Nori would take Fili and Kili well away from prying eyes where he would continue to teach them. The seasons changed, the years passing by. The boys grew older, Fili taking control of his abilities, Kili started proper schooling upon the insistence of Vili. Kili was a smart child, he had a hard time concentrating but whatever caught his interest he latched onto and learned everything about it. Soon they were old enough to learn a trade. Where Fili took to Thorin’s side in smithing, Kili learned how to track. He slipped under Nori’s wing, being taught how to listen to the right conversations and school his expression in front of strangers.

Ori continued to visit often, though there was some jealousy of Nori paying more attention to Kili than Ori, it was easily passed when the boy was taken to learn under Balin on how to learn how become a scribe. Adolescents started to give way to adulthood with little incident, the scar left on Fili’s throat fading a bit, soon being hidden away by the whiskers that started to grow.

“They’re nice, I like them.” Kili touched Fili’s face for possibly the fifth time just that morning. “I can’t wait to see you with a nice beard.”

The blond leaned into the touch, his eyes half lidded as he sat with his brother, shirtless on the edge of the bed they have shared since they were small children. He was increasingly loving it more every time Kili’s skin came into contact with his. It made his belly feel warm, his heart flutter, and he couldn’t stop smiling. 

Kili’s fingers went through Fili’s mustache that rested just to the line of his jaw. It was the only real part that was willing to grow fast it would seem. He had to consciously keep his lips from brushing against Kili’s fingers as the brunette gently braided one side then the other. He looked at the twin braids before undoing them.

“Not long enough just yet. You’ll end up eating your beads if we keep it braided now.” Kili leaned forward kissing Fili softly. It had meant to be quick but he lingered. The tips of his fingers touching the prickly stubble that lined his brother’s jaw. 

Pulling back their gazes locked. Fili’s strong palms soothing over the back of Kili’s arm and side. Their breath mingled, lips only a hair’s breath away. That warm feeling was spreading in his stomach once more, heart pattering faster by the moment. Then Kili was smiling that lovely smile and pulling away, standing up and pulling his hood up.

“Nori’s expecting me.” He then pointed at Fili with both index fingers. “Don’t forget, first hunting trip tomorrow~” He sung the last word in excitement. “So don’t wear yourself and Uncle Thorin out too much at the forge today. Dwalin will be pissed if he has to tie you to your ponies so you don’t fall off while you sleep.”

“No promises, it all deals with how much work we must do.”

“That reminds me, when is Thorin supposed to meet the last landowner of the Blue Mountains? Last purchase until we own all of it and we can really call it home.”

“This morning, honestly, if all goes well I believe we’ll close the forge early for celebration.”

Kili hummed, that taste of apple ale crisp on his tongue already. “That sounds nice. Too bad I won’t be there.”

“Why?” Fili stood up. Yet again he was so close to Kili, bodies almost pressed together. At this point he was taller than Kili by a few inches, his body lithe yet tone muscles developing from his trade.

“I…” Kili’s cheeks reddened. He let out a fake cough and stepped back. “Something that Nori wants to teach me, then I’ve got to visit Papa, make sure Mr. Dwalin has everything ready for tomorrow.”

“Why do you have to do that?”

“Because you and Thorin have been working your fingers to the bone. You deserve the night out.” The brunette flashed a toothy grin, “Remember, Dori taught me well for my bargaining skills, we’ll have everything we need and money to spare.”

Fili frowned, he folded his arms and jutted a hip to the side, his eyes falling half way closed as he looked his brother up and then down. He was looking for any signal of a lie, that Kili would go and do something completely different, something he may not want his brother to do. Usually he could smell the hormonal change in someone if they lied but Kili was getting damn good at covering up the truth, no thanks to his mentor. He smelled no lie but what he did smell made a tingle run down his back, his tongue darting out to lick his lips.

“What’s that for?”

“What for?” Fili continued to practically eat Kili’s pretty visage in front of him. A simple tunic of dark blues and greens, leather bracers, black trousers and something about Kili’s boots that went up to his knees seemed rather… elvishly exotic. It didn’t help that his hair was braided in one large braid, the silken strands falling out of place already as it caressed his neck, peeking out from under his hood.

“Like you want to eat me, that kind of look.”

“I would never eat you.” Then something struck him. Other people were going to see Kili like this. He quickly clamped down at the growl that started up the back of his throat. “Make sure you wear your coat. The days are growing cold.”

“That was the plan, autumn is pretty to the eyes but unforgiving to the body.” He hesitated before taking a few more steps away from Fili. “I will see you tonight… um… bye.”

Fili raised a hand and waved as Kili practically threw himself outside of the room. He grabbed his brown coat on his way out throwing a quick goodbye to Bifur who was trying to roast some lettuce and Bofur who was naked sitting at wash tub scrubbing his underwear in the soapy water. He stopped soon as he was outside, turned, went back in and took the lettuce from Bifur. The guttural protests in khuzdul was ignored as Kili found a sausage and a proper roasting fork to spear it on. He handed the dwarf the fork. “No, Bifur, the lettuce will taste bad and you won’t eat it. Wrap your lettuce around the lettuce, yeah?”

Bifur mumbled a protest as Kili patted his shoulder. He did like to do that, but he was have fun watching the lettuce wilt over the heat. That settled Kili went back outside to find Nori. He was going through the markets when he felt someone come next to him, matching his stride. 

“You ready for this laddy?” Nori asked.

“I have to be.” He absently adjusted his hood and coat showing he was nervous. 

“You don’t need to do this.”

Kili remained silent until they came to the front door of an all too familiar house. Nori separated himself, going around the side of the hut to keep an eye on his apprentice in case anything went wrong. Right now Kili had to look the part, be the part, of a messenger, of an “old friend.” Nori’s presence would be questioned.

The prince’s hand hesitated as he reached for the knob. He had to do this. He needed this closure, but more over he needed to understand. He moved his hand over to the wood and knocked hard. The youth let out a shuddering breath, steeling himself. It was time for him to put all of his training to work. He closed his eyes hearing the shuffling within. A voice calling out in pleasantries as the door opened. He looked up at the dwarf, her smile fading as Kili looked up. Hair the same color as his own, eyes the color of gems. Kili reminded himself what this was for. How dangerous she was and how much he needed to know.

“How can I help you?” Dis asked softly.

 _Stick with what you know. A lie is accepted when based off of truth._ He reminded himself of Nori’s words. So when his eyes fell to his mother, the pain of not seeing her for so long, of knowing how sick she had been in her mind. The hurt that pulled his eyebrows together and made his eyes soften was real. The lie that came forth next was not. “Are you Dis, mother of a boy named Kili?”

“Yes.” She looked uneasy on her feet.

“I… regret to inform you that your son has passed.”

“What?” She grabbed the door frame so she would not fall over. Her free hand pressing against her suddenly queasy stomach. 

“He had been slain by an illness, contracted during travels through the Shire.”

“W...when did this happen?” 

“Not long ago. He had been a fool boy, ran off to have an adventure much too soon.”

Dis started to fall, Kili shot forward catching her. She clutched onto him, a painful wail ripped from her lungs, tears falling from tightly shut eyes. Kili held onto her, his heart telling him to break this lie, to let his mother rest with the knowledge that he was alive and well. But he knew this was for the best. He had been thinking of it for a long time, now that soon, he would be his own man he could not allow his mother to live in a shadow. He had to relieve her of at least some of the burden that weighs down upon her. 

He helped her up, taking her inside to a chair. He sat her down and let her weep. She cried for a very long time until she could cry no more. Her eyes were red, face swollen from tears, nose raw from blowing into a handkerchief. 

“I-If only they listened to me.” Her voice broke as Kili put down a mug of ale in front of her. “He wouldn’t have been with that boy, gotten those ideas in his head to be wild as an animal!”

Kili choked down a need to defend Fili. Instead he swallowed it down and sat quietly letting her rave. 

“Kili was such a good boy. He listened to his mama like all good boys should.” She reached over grabbing Kili’s hand, squeezing it painfully tight. “Do you listen to your mama?”

“Unfortunately I have not had the pleasure, she…” he looked down to the hand that gripped his. “She had died a long time ago.”

“Mahal preserve both of our darlings.” Dis murmured. “How… how did you know my son?”

“I met him in the market one day. Hard not to like him, had been friends for a few years now.”

“And-and what is your name, lad?”

“Filrin.” He quickly summed up Fili’s and Thorin’s names together.

“That’s a good name. A strong name.”

“Madam Dwarf, may I ask you about some things? Kili seemed to have an imagination when he told me of you and-”

“You want to know if they were true? I’m not mad. I have no sickness of the mind!”

Kili held up his hands, “I pass no judgement, I have only met you. But he had said something that has bothered me for some time now. And I believe it upset him as well.” He had to keep himself in check as he chose his words. “Why did you believe him in so much danger?”

Dis sniffled, rubbing a corner of her handkerchief under her nose. “He-He didn’t understand that the gods would punish us if we didn’t follow the rules. We had betrayed our gods before and that’s why we must follow the rules given to us. But Kili, oh my sweetling, he… he always wanted to know things and for everything to be happy. He didn’t understand how bad it would be if that beast stayed alive. N-n-now my boy is dead because of that fool of a brother of mine! And that wretched thing that I birthed still roams with life beating in its breast while my boy is cold as clay!!”

“Fili did not kill Kili. Why would you assume this?”

“Because the gods are punishing me!!” Dis threw her hand to the side knocking over her mug of ale. “I did not have the resolve to kill that babe when he first came to this world and now-”

“Now you are grieving and do not know what you speak!” Kili shot to his feet. “But believe me when I say that Fili is my friend.” He leaned into his mother’s space, his lips curling into a snarl. “And I will protect him with all I have. Though I may be young, do not underestimate me. I suggest you rest, take in the solace that your son loved you very much, till the end, Madam Dwarf.”

Then he left, storming out into the cold chilled autumn air. He took in a deep breath going up the hill to the mines. Now he had to tell his father the fool plan he had for making Dis believe him dead, just so that they could stop living in so much fear. It was already making Thorin’s onyx hair turn gray. 

Nori quickly joined him, “That went better than expected, though I have to admit I wasn’t expecting you to proclaim yourself dead to your own mother, only pretend to be someone else.”

“Yeah,” Kili pulled his hood up higher. “I believe I have just made a mess of things. Could you run off to Balin and Ori? We need them to know not to address me as Kili while we’re in Ered Luin.”

Nori sighed. “I’ll inform them as well as Dwalin. But Fili and Thorin are yours to deal with.”

Kili nodded. This was not going to be easy.


	17. To Do Anything

Vili grabbed Kili by his arm, dragging him through the village to the forge. His face was screwed into an angry mask. Once they got to the forge he threw his son inside, Kili stumbling and falling to his knees with a heavy thump. Vili found the main door and slammed it shut, locking it. The noise quickly pulling Thorin and Fili from the back.

“What’s going on here?” Thorin barked as Vili went around shutting the shutters to give them privacy.

“You will not believe what this fool boy has done!” Vili’s voice was as loud and deep as the mountains. 

The shout made Kili cringe. He pushed himself up onto his heels, shouting back to defend himself. “I had to!”

“That’s a lie and you know it.” Vili pointed at his son. “What do you think would happen after you did that? What do you think it would accomplish?!”

“To get her away from us! We still can’t go into the marketplace without looking like outlaws, dressed in thick clothes and deep hoods to hide the color of our hair, to keep our faces from being recognized!!” Fili came to Kili’s side as he shouted. The rogue in training grabbed onto his brother for support as he pulled himself fully off of the ground. “You do not understand what we had to go through every day. We were hidden in fear! Look at Uncle!! His hair is going white before its time because of how much stress this is putting on him, father!” He grabbed his father’s forearm in a tight grip. “You do not understand what I have done-what we have suffered through. I had to do it.”

“There were many things that you could have done, but telling your mother that you were dead- How could you be so foolish?!”

“SILENCE!” Thorin roared shutting the squabbling family up. He still held a hammer in his hand from scrambling from his work to see what had caused such a racket. 

Kili quickly snapped his mouth shut. Obeying his uncle’s command while Vili growled and paced like a caged animal. 

“Tell me, what is going on here.” Thorin demanded.

“This-this fool boy, he got it into his head that it was a good idea to tell Dis that he was dead! That now he’ll be known by another name within Ered Luin and the Blue Mountains!”

The king looked to Kili, “Is this true?”

The youth squared off his shoulders. He was not proud of what he had done, but he was not ashamed of it either. He had to do so much in his tender years and it had to end. “I did what I had to do.” He said.

“Kili, why would you do that?” Fili asked softly, touching Kili’s back.

The dark haired prince pulled away. “How many reasons do you want me to list? We were never safe as long as uncle took care of me. Mother had not stopped trying to reclaim me, to get at you. This was the only way we could be safe from her reach.”

“We had many years without her interference.” Thorin chucked his hammer onto a work counter. It clanged loudly now that their voices were brought down to hushed tones. “You are barely forty years old and don’t know the half of it. What made you believe this had to happen now?”

Kili’s dark eyes turned to his uncle. Brow pulling together in confused wonderment as he tried to take in what Thorin had just said. He brushed the insult of being young and incompetent aside as something caused his heart to hammer. A frustration in the ignorance of a man that had managed to keep them warm and loved. A man that had believed it had been he who kept them safe when all along it had been someone else. 

“You honestly think she kept away from us? That she gave up her fight?”

A stinging scent struck at Fili’s nose. He looked at his brother, how his fingers curled and uncurled. How his tongue darted out to wet at lips. Kili was upset, very upset and was having trouble holding it in. It was a sign he was about to spill a secret and from what he could gather, it was a terrible one.

“You think my mother innocent in her madness? If she could convince me that my best friend, my brother, was a monster and would eat me, could she not spend coin to send people to filch me away?” Kili could still remember the hands, pulling him into the shadows. Experienced and deadly, holding him in the right way to keep him quiet, to keep him still while Fili and Thorin were only two steps ahead of him. Completely unaware of his distress in the loud marketplace filled with too many smells for Fili to differ one from another. 

“She hired thugs to kidnap you?” Vili spoke to the silent room.

“Mother’s reach is long. She has claws as long and sharp as any king’s of the human realms. She would not waste good coin on thugs, father.”

“Shit.” Vili ran a hand over his face.

“This would explain why Nori’s insistence of training you every day.” Thorin concluded that it was the thief that kept the boy from being kidnapped. His watchful eye always on the youth, keeping an ear to the wall as he listened for any stirrings of people for hire. 

“I had to tell her this, I had no other option.”

Vili stormed forward, only to have Fili quickly move between him and Kili. Fili remained silent, holding a hand out, his palm pressing against Vili’s chest, trying to keep the miner back. 

“You could have come home! You could have moved to another village! You could have done many things besides hurting your mother!!”

Fili grunted when Kili surged up behind him, making him hold his brother back as well.

“And do what?! Risk being alone, where her hired men could get to me?! Or come home to have her poison me once more!? There are many things I will do but hurting Fili is not an option!” Kili’s voice suddenly dipped down into a feral growl, the feel of it against Fili’s back was like rolling thunder making the golden prince’s heart skip a beat. But it was what Kili said that made his breath catch in his throat.

“I would rather _break_ her.”

Their father took a step back. “You don’t mean that.” He turned to Thorin with pleading eyes. “He-he doesn’t mean that.”

Thorin looked to the boys, Kili’s arms had wound around Fili, his hands clutching at the leather work apron worn by the other. The glint in his eyes showing a heavy possession that Thorin knew all too well. It was the same look that he would get over Frerin, if he thought anyone would bring harm upon his beloved. As he saw it, how Kili’s knuckles tightened, his eyes peering around Fili’s shoulder, he was certain that Kili was not aware of his own feelings yet. They were still so young. But older than Thorin and Frerin had been when they first started their own relationship. 

He looked to his brother-in-law. Kili meant it. Just as he had meant it that he would kill his own mother if she had tried to take Frerin’s life in one of her fits of madness. He could relate all too well. His own heart tightened as memories of Frerin flooded his mind. Soft smiles, loving hugs, whispering lips. The loss of his love would forever haunt him it would seem. And forever he would have the knowledge it was his own sister that had taken him away.

“Take Dis to the northern most peeks of the Blue Mountains.” Thorin said slowly with a hard voice. “Her son is dead to her, Ered Luin will only bring her more grief.”

“Thorin you can’t-”

Thorin grabbed Vili by the shoulders. He held tight looking him straight in the eye. “Dis is dangerous, we have known this for some time now. It was our own want for a peaceful end that blinded us to our children’s needs. In her grief she will try to do more, lash out and harm as many as she can.”

Vili swallowed, his mind calming a little. “Remove her from harms way… but, we don’t own that land.”

“We do. All of the Blue Mountains are now owned by the line of Durin. Many of our people are going up in a month’s time. Go with them, brother.” He moved a hand waving at the door. “Boys, go home. We have much to discuss and plan.”

Fili barely managed to escape Kili’s grip to take off his apron and slip on his coat. He pulled up his hood, tucking his blond hair inside as Kili mimicked his action. They slipped out the back and quietly walked side by side headed home. 

“Did you mean it?” Fili asked softly as they walked. “That you would break her…”

“I’ve done worse.”

“What?” Fili stopped behind a hut. When Kili continued to walk he reached out, catching his brother’s hand. He watched as Kili pulled his hand away and stuffed it into a pocket. He had been shying away from his touches a lot. It was only before they left home that Kili would spend time to caress Fili’s cheeks and give fleeting kisses. 

His heart ached as he watched Kili scratch at his smooth chin with his free hand, eyes darting to the side as he showed how uncomfortable he was. He was never uncomfortable around Fili, not since long ago. 

“I’ve had to keep us safe.”

“Kili.” A heavy push of wind whipped at their coats. It pushed off Fili’s hood, locks of gold lifting in the air, tangling in a flickering dance. 

“You’re hair looks nice like that.” Kili pointed at him. “Suits you.”

“Don’t change the subject.” Fili stepped flush up against his brother. He let a hand move on its own accord, slipping over coat to rest on hip. “Tell me what you have done. I will not judge you.”

“I don’t need you to judge me to know what I did was out of desperation. It wasn’t wrong and it wasn’t right.” The brunet stepped back, Fili’s hand falling from him. He took a few more steps before he stuffed his other hand in a pocket as well. His tongue darted out, wetting his lips. He blinked several times, eyes starting to water. “I still-still remember seeing you so sick in that shack in the Shire. I had piled stones up against the wall to stand on, every day, to look in the window because I wasn’t allowed near you. I had hoped, some how, by just being around you, you would get better. But you only got worse. It was only when I was caught by the hobbits and not allowed out of their smial that you got better.”

Fili felt his heart sink. He didn’t understand how this was connected, but he could tell that Kili needed to get it out. 

“Then when we were at Bree and that doctor cut your neck. I couldn’t do anything! I was practically choking you to death to stop the bleeding only to be told that you weren’t cut that bad and everything would be okay. All I could think was, you were going to die from the cut when in fact you could have died by my own hands. And it would seem that no matter what I do, my mother was constantly at our heels, constantly trying to ki- end you because of me.”

“Kili that’s not true.”

Kili shrugged his shoulders, “How is that not true? I’ve already had to kill three men to keep you safe!!”

Kill?

“Don’t look at me like that… I know what I’ve done is bad, but I had to. I had to.” Kili pulled a hand out of his pockets, he pressed the heel of his palm into an eye as he tried hard not to cry. He trembled. So many things he had to do, things that stained him in his youth. He could still feel the sticky, hot, liquid, of blood spilling down over his face as Nori killed the first kidnapper. He had taken Kili to a place in town that he had never seen before. He was taken to the kitchens of a whore house where a bucket of hot water was drawn for him and he was quickly scrubbed down. Nori telling him over and over again he had to remain silent. It needed to be kept a secret. He had washed Kili’s clothes, ridding it of blood, replacing it with soil and soot. He was returned to Thorin and Fili later in the day, a lie on Nori’s lips that explained the absence of Kili and why his clothing was wet and dirty. It wasn’t until he was older that he understood why he had to keep quiet about it. He would become a bigger target, not only him but Nori as well and their families. It could escalate to a bounty being placed on Nori’s head, Fili and Kili taken from Thorin and given back to Dis. 

He couldn’t let it happen.

When the next kidnapper came it was Kili who killed him. A practice arrow stabbed into the neck. The other, he found first, slipped a poison into his drink before he could act, the coin that he gathered from Dis was pocketed by Kili only to be given to a beggar on the street outside the whore house.

He was pulled from his memories as a familiar tongue lapped at his cheek, taking away the tears he had unknowingly had cried. He let out a painful sound. He didn’t like killing, he didn’t like hurting those men, but he would do anything to stay with Fili. Anything.

Then Fili’s tongue was in his mouth, flicking over his own. Hands caressed his cheeks as the wind buffeted against them once more, Fili’s hair wild, Kili’s hood fluttering up. When his distressed sounds didn’t stop Fili kissed harder, his hands moving to Kili’s back, pulling him against him in a crushing hold. He always licked away the tears, now he wanted to lick away the painful sounds. He wanted to make Kili feel better.

He only parted when Kili began squirming, trying to pull back. He panted when Kili stumbled back. That heat in his stomach grew and he couldn’t help but look at Kili like a prized piece of meat. 

Kili touched his lips and the tip of his tongue as he tried to catch his breath. That kind of kiss..., he knew what kind of kiss that was. He had seen it in the whore house when he was there gathering information with Nori. He looked to Fili, recognized the lustful glint in his eyes from patrons that would take a soiled dove up to a room. 

Fili moved forward, Kili stepped back. 

“Don’t recoil, please.” Fili took another step, this time Kili stayed. He took hold of Kili’s hand and kissed the knuckles. “Please, I’m sorry. Do not shy from me.”

“I…” Kili sighed. Fili still didn’t know much about physical interaction, he still acted like an animal in bed, curled up in a tight ball when he slept, with fidgeting and growling in his sleep. Of course he wouldn’t know what this kind of kissing meant. Kili only knew from looking at the whores and their business.

He flicked his brother on the nose. “Don’t do it again.”

Fili smiled. “I promise.”

He crushed his brother to his chest, feeling some popping of bone from how tight he hugged. Kili hugged back, thankful when Fili loosened his grip so he could breath. 

“Promise me another thing.”

“Anything.”

“Don’t tell Thorin what I have done.”

“But why?”

Kili rested his chin on his brother’s shoulder, huffing a breath out of his nose. “He tries too hard for us. He’s gained gray hair before his time from his worry.”

Fili nodded in agreement. Even though Thorin would say he was fine they all knew he was losing sleep. He stayed up late at night listening for anything strange, for anything that could hurt Fili or Kili. He was beside himself when Kili had disappeared one day, Nori showing up an hour later with Kili with some excuse of having found the lad separated in the crowd, pushed into a mud puddle. He worried himself at the forge over Kili being mentored by Nori, worried over Fili even if he was in his line of sight or not.

It was time for them to try to care of Thorin. 

“I promise, Kili, I won’t tell Thorin.”


	18. possession

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Elf-shot is an old term for a random pain. It can also be called a "witch shot".

Fili looked to the empty spot in his bed. It was late at night, Thorin and Vili still at the forge. Kili had left, some excuse about getting something for Bifur when infact he knew he just needed to be away from Fili. Since their kiss Kili pulled away from him. Yes, they had hugged, and he had thought everything was alright but when he had reached for Kili’s hand, the brunette pulled his hand away. He made sure he was busy with Bifur when they got home, not looking at Fili for longer than a fleeting moment. It hurt him.

But worse as that Kili would not come to bed. No matter what they always shared the same bed, it was the one place where it was just the two them. They could break down crying, scream and shout, reveal terrible secrets, lie and cheat each other of sleep. They could talk about nothing and everything, they could just look at each other, stroking each other’s hair in silence. It was the one place they could be open, be themselves and not have to put on a face for the world because it was just him and Kili.

Now the bed seemed too big, too cold. It was empty, lonely, and it only made Fili feel a flare of anger. Kili had said that everything was alright! Why was he doing this?!

His movements were ridged with frustration as he tried once more to get comfortable for sleep. They were still going on their hunting trip in the morning, they needed the meat and it was one step closer to his rite of passage. 

Soon anger gave way to worry as a thought occurred; what if Kili was in trouble? He had admitted to the dangers that he managed to keep Thorin and Fili blind to. What if he had been grabbed now that Dis was so upset? What if she still had men looking for Kili? What if some of these men didn’t care for the safety of their charge and Kili was face down in a ditch somewhere?

Quickly he kicked his blankets and furs off, he threw on his tunic, barely stopped to put on his boots as he stumbled around in a self inflicted panic slammed into his heart. The vivid image of Kili’s prone body covered in mud, face down on the ground plagued him. Body cold as clay, eyes staring into nothing, body twisted and broken, his clothing ripped as he was ransacked for anything of value.

Fili threw himself outside of their home, he sniffed the air hoping for a small trace of his brother. When there was nothing he hurried to every place that he knew Kili to frequent. It was at the closed market that he caught the faintest scent of his rogue. He hurried after it, ignoring the few stragglers in the dark night as he visibly sniffed at the air before taking to a direction.

“Please be well, please be well.” He murmured to himself. 

The dry summer dirt scraped under his boots as he slowed his pace, Kili’s smell was being mixed with something else, something that made his body heat and his mind feel muddled. He held up his arm, placing his sleeve under his nose to try and block the smell out as he drew closer to whatever this place was. There were women scantily dressed, their breasts hanging out, skirts bunched up and back to show off their legs as they paced the street front of a large building. The door was wide open to a tavern like place where more of these women were serving men drinks and food, some sitting on laps like pets. 

Fili shook his head trying to keep his mind focused on finding Kili, not the smell that some of these women were giving off that made his loins harden. 

“Hey sweet thing,” a girl whistled so loudly that Fili took a step away from the place, wincing. “Got your attention didn’t I?” She had hair a brighter blond than his own, piled up in pins and flowers. Her face was overly painted as she strutted like a deer over to him. “You’re a little young, looking to place your foot hold in manhood?”

Fili snorted looking at her, his brows raising. Her smell making him feel on par with her, it was the base instinct of a hunter squaring off with another predator. “If I was, I doubt you could handle me.”

“Ooo, confident.” She ran a finger down the front of his tunic. “You offer a promising night.”

“I offer nothing to you.”

She looked down, and smirked, “Your trousers says otherwise.”

“Thankfully my trousers do not make the decisions.”

“Playing hard to get,” she grabbed onto him, pressing her body flush against his. Her leg lifted to rub her inner thigh against his hip. “I like that.”

She was suddenly yanked back landing on her butt, a very angry Kili leaning over her as she blinked up at who had assaulted her. 

“He’s off the menu.” Kili growled.

“If he’s got coin to spend then-”

“I said, no, Rose.”

Fili started at the hard tone Kili spat out to the prostitute. 

“And you better tell the other girls this too.” He stepped over her, grabbing Fili by the arm. He yanked his brother down the street at a fast pace. “What in the several hells are you doing here?”

“I came looking for you- let go.” Fili yanked his arm from Kili’s surprisingly firm grip. “What are you doing in such a place?” Jealousy swelling from his stomach to his chest.

“I’m doing my job.” Kili hissed.

“Doing it how and in what position?”

“Don’t give me that.” Kili reached forward and grabbed the front of Fili’s trousers feeling the hard cock. “Don’t judge me when you have this. I need to make sure, mother-Dis, does not try something now that she thinks that I’m dead. And everyone blabs to a whore.”

A jolt of pleasure shocked up the golden prince’s spine, it was very hard to keep from gasping. It did not help that Kili kept a firm hold of him for several long seconds before letting go and shoving at him. He only growled in response as he grabbed his brother in retaliation.

Kili didn’t falter as he grilled Fili with questions. “If you came here looking for me then why are you like that? So hard you could knock someone uncon-!!”

Fili’s tongue was in his mouth again. This time it wasn’t the comforting licks that he had gotten before, this was powerful, demanding. As if challenged Kili fought back in the kiss, his own mind rearing in ferocity. He didn’t know why he was angry, Fili was his own man, he could bed who he wanted. But Kili felt damned if he let it be that way. He grabbed at his brother’s tunic, pressing their hips together as something screamed deep down in his soul.

He pushed Fili into an anyway, in turn he was shoved up against a wall, his mouth being claimed over and over again. He grabbed Fili by the hips, rubbing up against him on instinct, his own cock growing hard. He broke away, gasping as Fili’s firm hand found its way past the hem of his trousers, taking hold of his erection. His fingers fumbled trying to find the right way to touch and it was so delicious to Kili. He rocked his hips against Fili’s hand making a string of sounds that seemed to only encourage the other.

Then he was pawing at Fili’s trousers. His possessive nature ran deep, especially in the throes of passion it would seem. As good as everything felt all he could think of was that what made Fili hard was someone else and he couldn’t stand it.

He took hold of Fili’s cock and gave it a squeeze. The lion growled, his forehead pressing down on Kili’s shoulder as he started to slide his fingers up and down the length in memory of what he had seen some of the whores do to “clients”. 

“You like that?” He whispered, his voice rough.

“Y-yes.” Fili groaned with appreciation, bucking against Kili. His own hand stilled as he tried to breath, his body burning with desire.

“I never want to see anyone else make you like this again.” Kili’s voice sounded dark, as if he was staking a claim.

“Th-they won’t.” 

Kili gave a tight squeeze causing Fili to yelp.

“I will not share you with anyone. Do you understand me?”

Fili nodded quickly. “You are my mate. Kili, mate.”

Kili smirked, “Good kitty.” He loosened his grip and worked his hand fast, his thumb rubbing over the tip of Fili’s cock a few times and was rewarded was a quick climax. In which Fili shoved Kili harder against the wall with a thud.

He pulled his hand out of Fili’s trousers and claimed his mouth once more.

Fili was his!

His friend. His brother. His lover. His, all his. 

Fili belonged to him.

They were night and day.

Night and Day.

Night and… day…

Kili pulled back from the kiss. A grunt of falling from his lips as pain lanced his brain. Fili’s hands held him as the great pain increased, pulsating like beats of a drum.

“K-Kili? What’s wrong?”

The pain started to subside, the relief of it leaving him leaning heavily against the smith. He panted against Fili’s neck. “I’m okay.”

“D-Did I hurt you? I’m s-”

Kili laughed. “No, you didn’t hurt me. It was just an elf shot. I’ll be fine.”

The golden prince made an unsure sound as he caressed Kili’s body close to his. He slipped his hands inside his brother’s coat as his heart still fluttered. He laid kisses across Kili’s neck. The soft sigh was a good sign that the other was relaxing, the pain ebbing. Their previous anger towards one another gone.


	19. to relate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry it took me so long to update this

Nori came with them at dawn, he spent most of his time bothering Dwalin as Fili and Kili rode behind Thorin, following his lead. Kili looked back over his shoulder at Bofur who stood outside with Bifur. Bifur waving at them. Kili gave a small wave that seemed to appease the dwarf and he dropped his hand in favor for something that Bofur handed him. Probably another toy, trying to get the once great toy maker to remember how to work his fingers as he still had trouble with holding things. 

“Do you think they will be alright?” Kili asked out loud.

“They will do fine. Now that Bofur is a land owner he does not have to work as hard, he is taking some days away from the mine while we take our leave.” Thorin murmured.

“How far do you think we will have to go to find suitable game?” Fili asked.

“Depends on the animal.” Kili answered before Thorin could. He held up a finger and twirled it in a circle formation. “They come and go in certain patterns, this time of year we’ll find deer to the south, boar to the east, and if you want a real treat and get wild turkey we’ll have to go northwest.”

Thorin stopped his pony causing everyone to stop. Thorin moved his pony so he could look at Nori straight on. “You have taken my ward on hunts?”

“He needed to learn how to track.” Nori shrugged. “You asked me to take him under my wing, and he’s a fast learner. Couldn’t wait until you finished your business to do essential training, now could I?”

“It is my rite as his guardian to teach him such things!” Thorin hissed falling short of adding ‘you have robbed me of this.’

“If it helps he hasn’t taken killed any game yet.”

Thorin pinched the bridge of his nose. By the gods, they were barely out of town and he already wanted to kick Nori off of his pony. 

Nori only definitely glared back at the dwarf he had gotten to know well, even dared to call his friend. How was Thorin expecting him to not do his job of teaching Kili his trade? He should know better than that. But then Thorin’s eyes turned dark, his own glare making Nori sink down closer to his pony’s neck.

“Has not killed any game yet… I do not like what your words imply.”

“Thorin.” Dwalin cut in. “Kili and Fili are leaving.”

“We will talk later.” Thorin growled. “And what you say must be pleasing to my ears.”

The king jerked on his reins pulling his pony around. He dug his heels into the animal’s ribs, bucking it into a trot to catch up with his son and nephew. 

“Where are you going?” He asked with that tone of voice that made both of the young men’s backs to stiffen.

“You were taking too long.” Kili leaned back and smiled at his uncle around Fili. “We decided we would go get some turkey as there should be many this time of year.”

“We are going south.”

“But-”

“South.” Thorin pointed in the direction. “Now.”

“Yes, sir.” Kili sighed, sagging his shoulders and turning his pony. 

Fili chuckled as he rode beside his lover. His smile soft and adoring as he looked over the brunette who looked at him with a frown.

“What?”

The blond leaned over and whispered into Kili’s ear. “The vicious killer, still slave to a warrior that is worse than a mother hen.”

The archer elbowed his companion in the chest, pushing him away. He couldn’t help the smile that his lips pulled into. “Mahal hold your tongue, dwarf.”

“I rather have you hold it.” A strange growl vibrated low in Fili’s chest as he licked his lips.

For a reason that Kili could not place, it had caused his heart to flutter. It shot a tingling feeling to his loins and caused his spine to prickle. He tried to keep the blush off of his cheeks by clearing his throat and looking forward. But the low growl continued, pulsing in and out as Fili breathed. By the gods, he was purring. Literally purring. He chanced a look back at his lover and felt his face heat up, blue eyes on him, tracing the outline of his body looking as if he was hungry for a sinful treat. 

“You should stop. We are in company.”

“I am just admiring what is mine.”

“So admire from afar until we can have privacy.” Kili kicked his pony coming up beside Thorin in desperate need to separate himself from Fili and all the things he was doing to his body from just looking and that… purring.

He let out a sigh, forcibly relaxing his body as they rode. It was silent for most the day, Nori and Dwalin mostly providing conversation when needed, but Kili stayed close to Thorin just so that he could make sure that Fili would behave himself. Or maybe it was Kili that needed to behave himself, either way, being around Thorin made things a lot easier to contain. Eventually Thorin announced they would rest in a spot that had sufficient shade. When he slid off of his pony he had to rub his butt back into feeling. He leaned back, his hands on his behind, his back popping. He hissed a little from being stiff for so long.

“Kili, I would like a word with you.” Thorin said low as he tied his reins to a tree branch low enough for the pony to graze. His eyes flickered over to his son who was trying hard not to watch Kili. “Alone.”

Here it was, the talk of how he was Thorin’s ward, and how Nori was a bad influence. Asking what he had done, for the meaning behind Nori’s words from earlier. He knew it had been coming, it did not make it easier for him to want to answer any questions.

“Fili.”

“Yes?”

“Tend the ponies.”

Fili set about getting water for the animals while Thorin started to walk away, Kili trailing behind. As they traveled further away from the group, through the trees, the archer started to get a bit worried. He watched his uncle, his posture the same as always as he seemed to rather leisurely explore their surroundings. The older dwarf looked up to the sky. A bird flew by, its shrill call cutting through the silence. 

“The swallows will be out for mosquitoes soon.”

Kili paused for a moment, not sure what that meant besides just a simple observation. He followed his uncle farther into the forest before Thorin found a spot under a large tree to sit. He motioned for Kili to join him, which he did. They were quiet. The youth feeling nervous while Thorin seemed serene.

“When...I was young…” Thorin’s voice was small, unlike anything Kili could remember. It was soft and tender as if a wound was being carefully opened. He cleared his throat, continuing, sounding more like himself. “I had a younger brother. You’re uncle Frerin was an amazing dwarf. He was like none other I have ever met. He was appointed many tasks that he took with a grace that made many wonder if he had elf in him. He was rather terrible at most weapons, though rather gifted with the bow. He got teased a lot for it, picked on even though he was royalty. It was one of the reasons why I was proud that you said you were learning archery. It’s a wise man’s weapon. One must be calm to hit the target, always have their mind about them.”

“I only picked it up a few years ago. You hit a target better than I and you’re weapon of choice is the sword.” Kili started to relax.

“True. But you will get better.” Thorin adjusted himself, his arms resting on his knees. “Frerin was special to me. He was special to me before our lives turned dark. He would take care of your grandmother who had slipped into a madness very much like your mother’s. She… attacked him frequently.” The king’s voice remained steady as his hands began to shake. “I still remember him slipping into my bed. His arms and hands chopped open from her forks and dinner knives. Sometimes he would stroke my hair as I slept and I would wake with his blood crusted in my hair, other times I would wake and tend to his wounds. Still, he would smile through all the abuse.”

“Why?”

“You have to ask? I would imagine you would still harbor the feels in your heart as he did his; you both love your mothers. Happy memories of them being so tender and caring, of playing with you, singing to you after a nightmare. It is all still there.”

“Why are you telling me this?” Kili pulled his knees up, hugging them. “I think you should be telling Fili this first.”

Thorin ignored the question. “Frerin enjoyed the outside world. He wanted to travel, but he was tied down, he didn’t know how to be his own dwarf as he had grown accustomed to caring for mother. Then one day, when he came into my room, he was different. Something inside of him had broken and he had cried. It stung my heart.” He leaned his head back against the trunk of the tree and closed his eyes, a tear slipping down. “It will alway sting. To see your One so upset after trying so hard for so long.”

Kili stiffened. Now he understood what this was about. This was Thorin telling him that he knew, he knew of Fili and Kili being together, even though it had only started the night before.

“I waited too long to take him.” Thorin’s chest rose and fell with a few quick breaths as he blinked away tears looking up to the sky that was starting to paint in twilight colors. “I took too long to realize how special he was. I wasted so much time believing I had all the time in the world to memorize his smile, to look into his brown eyes and to touch his sweet face.”

“So… you don’t disapprove of us?” Kili asked.

“No.” Thorin moved, wrapping an arm around Kili’s shoulders. “I had thought on Nori's words and what they imply. I want you to understand I do not think ill of you. I understand what it means to kill for those you love, to keep them safe no matter the cost. I bare my soul to you here so you can know how similar our lives have been. I understand what the heart desires and what it weeps for and will never get again. I have seen how Fili admires you, he has been displaying it for some time now and I was unsure about the coupling until the forge yesterday. Your grip on him, the possessive nature behind it all. Your words that may have hurt your father, but they are truth. I want you to be with Fili, do not waste your time. Cherish each other every day.”

“Y-you’re giving me your blessing.” Kili leaned heavily against Thorin, his breath puffing with quick breaths as his heart hammered and his eye stung. He didn’t think anyone could relate to how he felt, it hurt that Thorin had gone through so much like himself, but it settled his panic and hidden fears of being rejected by the man who had been closer to him than his own father.

“You will always have my bless-oof!” Thorin fell to the side as Kili hand sprang on him with a tight hug.

“Thank you.” Kili squeezed his eyes shut. “Thank you.”

Thorin hugged him back, just as tight.


	20. painful memories

Kili returned to camp on his own. Leaving Thorin in the peace of the forest. The king needed a moment to collect himself, whenever he spoke of Frerin it brought back so much. The feel of skin, the warmth of the body against his as he hugged his brother close. His memories were so powerful that he could fool himself to still be able to smell him, though faintly. The feel of Frerin’s hair brushing against his face when he laid his head in the dwarf’s lap and Frerin leaned over him. Smiling, happy, despite all that he shouldered. Thorin may have had much physical labor, his mind worn out as well from his studies, but Frerin held up their hearts, the pressure on his soul great. 

“I miss you.” He whispered as if Frerin could hear him. He gripped his hands together feeling that familiar pain rip at his very core. Having his treasure removed from him so prematurely, for them to be robbed of the life they could have had together, it forever would weigh down upon him. “I miss you so much, my love… If it was not for our son, for Fili, I do not think I would have been able to last this long.”

Eventually he got up and went back to camp where he simply found his bedroll that Fili had laid out for him. Dwalin said something, Fili asked, Nori talked, all their voices seemed to be blurred together as he laid down with a tired sigh. 

“What happened in the woods?” Nori asked.

“Personal business.” Kili got up from the stone he had been sitting on. He took his own blanket and pulled it over Thorin who had already gone relaxed with sleep. 

“Business that caused him to wear out so quickly?” Nori raised an eyebrow as if implying something.

Kili rolled his eyes. “Not that kind of business. He… spoke of Uncle Frerin.”

Dwalin looked to his friend with a bit of worry. Knowing full well how much Thorin bottled up his pain over the loss. “What brought that on?”

“Personal business.” Kili stated as he sat next to Fili, his eyes slipping halfway shut in an expression of lazy content.

“You don’t like givin’ out information much. When you were small it was impossible to shut you up unless you got into trouble.” Dwalin snorted.

“I’m certain that you would tell me if I’m in trouble or not, Mr. Dwalin.”

“Now you’re starting to sound like Nori.”

Nori smirked his chest puffing up with pride. “You know you like being talked to like that.”

As they bantered between the three of them Fili kept an eye on his father. Thorin had looked tired but he smelled of sadness, it was one he had not smelled in many long years. Truthfully had hoped that he would have never taken in the scent ever again, it stung his nose, made his heart pulse in a way that made his body feel sick. When they were ready for sleep he curled up against Thorin’s back, his face buried in long black hair that he used to hide in when he was a tiny thing. His fingers curled in the furrs as he buried himself under the blanket that covered his father, trying to get close as possible in hopes that if he was just close enough it would relax Thorin, calm him and give him some peace to his heart. It was like this that he had fallen asleep. Hoping that somehow the gods would take pity on them for once. 

\---------------------------------------------

Thorin ran down the hallway towards the raving screams.

“You animal!!! You beast!!!”

The door was open allowing him to come through at a full run. On the floor was Frerin, coated in blood. He was on his back, his prized bow above his head blocking the sword that their mother had swung down. She brought it back up, swinging it down again and again as if hacking at something with a dull axe. 

“Stop! Mother, stop!!” He screamed over her shrieks. Her sword getting caught in the wood of Frerin’s bow.

Thorin grabbled their mother from behind, bodily hoisting her into the air. She kicked her feet while trying to lash her head back to headbutt whoever had a hold of her. Thorin threw her to the side. He tried to go for Frerin only to have their mother come running at them, shrieking like a banshee. He acted quickly, punching her as hard as he could, sending her to the floor once more unconscious.

“M-mom.” Frerin tried sitting up only to fall back down. The world started to spin, his head light as his vision started to darken around the edges. “Shit.” He rolled on his side in time to throw up.

“Frerin. Oh gods.” Thorin’s hands were on him, pulling him up into stable arms. The prince ran as fast as he could to the healers, his brother’s blood leaving a trail of drops.

When he got there Frerin was taken from him, he was ushered out of the room and into another where he waited.

And waited...

And waited…

He took off his coats, paced around the room in his jerkin while biting at his nails. Eventually the door opened, he stepped to it only to find his father.

“What happened?” Thrain asked with a sharp lash of his tongue stepping up to his son with intimidation. “Why was your mother found unconscious on the floor and your brother on an operation slab?!”

Thorin closed the gap between them, his own rage of what had happened burning. He pushed up against his father, both of their chests puffed out to show dominance but Thorin would not give in to his father this time. He was tired of the overlooked abuse of Frerin all because no one would take responsibility for the crazed woman besides the gentlest of them. 

“She was attacking Frerin, some how she got a hold of a sword and was trying to kill him. I knocked her out.”

“So you left your own mother without aid in favor for a brat?”

Thorin shoved Thrain. “How dare you! Have you not seen his scars?! The ones that your very wife had placed on him?! Is your remaining eye so blind that you cannot see how much hurt has befallen upon him because he does what no other can?! Care for a crazed woman!”

“That does not excuse-”

“Get out. You do not deserve to be here when Frerin is well, go tend to your feeble minded wife for once!!”

“Thorin.” Thrain growled in warning.

The door opened once more the head healer coming in. His sleeves were stained with spots of blood his apron stained heavily. His pink colored hands wiped at the course fabric of the apron. 

“Frerin…” Thorin felt his throat tighten.

The healer yawned as if there had not been any emergency at all. “We were barely able to stop the blood flow. He is grievously injured and will need to remain in bed for a week before he is allowed to properly move unless you wish him to rip his wounds open and bleed to death. But as long as he rests he will recover. He will stay over night, tomorrow I will have him moved to his room. He will-”

“My room.” Thorin cut in. “You will have him come to my room, I will tend to him.” He turned to his father, scowling. “And you will stay away from both of us while he heals. I will not have you come to him to tell him how he has failed you because he cannot control mother’s madness any longer.”


	21. it was either Mother or Frerin

Frerin had slept for the better part of three days, Thorin had stayed by the bedside to worried to have joined his lover in the large bed. He had not wanted to jostle the archer and risk reopening wounds. His hair was a scraggly mess that he had pinned up in different clasps, dressed in only a black tunic and blue trousers that would try to fall off any time he moved as he had once again forgotten to put on his belt. He gave a large yawn, rubbing his tired face. He had refused to sleep until he saw Frerin’s brown eyes with life once more. 

“You look like shit.” A scratchy voice spoke up.

Thorin felt his heart skip at the sound of Frerin’s voice. He smiled, reaching for Frerin’s hand and slid his palm against his lover’s. Their fingers lazily laced together. “It is good to hear your voice again.”

Frerin squeezed Thorin’s hand. He looked up to the ceiling. “I think… I am done with her. I cannot reach through her madness any longer.”

The older prince moved from his chair to sit next on the edge of the bed. With his free hand he stroked golden hair. “What had happened?”

Frerin closed his eyes, a silence falling between them.

Thorin understood. It was too soon to ask such things. He leaned over the dwarf in the bed and pressed their lips together in a gentle kiss. Frerin took hold of the blue tunic and pulled Thorin down to lay next to him. He pulled his brother close, careful of the stitched lasherations. Eventually he was able to fall asleep, Frerin’s head on his chest.

It was a week after, that Frerin was able to finally get out of the bed on his own accord, the stitches removed leaving behind gnarled puckers of sensitive skin. Every time he got to be alone with Thorin, Thorin would slip up his clothing to slide his fingers against the tender flesh. He would go to his knees and slip his tongue over them, kissing them tenderly, his own way of showing that no matter what he found Frerin beautiful. 

Finally, crammed into a small nook in one of the large hallways Frerin couldn’t take it any more. The feel of that hot mouth on him, the hands that brushed over him, worshipping him. His knees shook as his body reminded him that it had nearly been half a month since the last time he had been joined with his lover in the throes of intimacy. He pulled Thorin up to his feet, Frerin’s mouth claiming Thorin’s. His hands bunched in dark hair, their hips pressing together. He moaned into Thorin’s mouth with need, their tongues playing against each other. 

Thorin pulled away, his breath hitched from need. “A-are you well enough?”

“I am.”

Thorin took Frerin’s hand and took him back to his room. Soon as the door was closed they worked quickly to remove their clothing leaving a trail of cloth to the bed where Frerin sat. He was careful in his movements, scooting back to get in the middle of the mattress. Blue eyes watched him, a hand coming up to lips to wipe at the corner to prevent drooling as Frerin spread his legs in a welcome invitation.

Thorin barely had enough mind to grab the pot of oil he kept close to the bed. He already knew both of them would be moving fast, they both needed this. He took some of the oil, slicking his growing erection before setting it down. He gathered more of the oil and brought it over where Frerin rolled over and got up onto his hands and knees allowing Thorin better access to his entrance. The dark haired prince kissed the small of Frerin’s back, his tongue lapping at the delicious flesh as his fingers worked into the wanting body beneath him.

Frerin shuddered, pushing back against Thorin’s fingers, biting his bottom lip. He whimpered out Thorin’s name while his brother kissed up his back. That hot mouth went up his spine, stiff whiskers tickling and pricking, the silver bead in Thorin’s beard gave a cold contrast that made the younger brother shiver. A hand snaked around his hip taking hold of his throbbing cock. He was stroked and pumped in time of the thrusts from those wonderful fingers, quickly bringing his breath into heavy pants. He lowered his shoulders to the bed, his hot cheek nuzzling against the cool sheets. 

“M-mahal, please~ I-” He gasped when Thorin found his sweet spot, a finger stroking it. “Thorin!”

Thorin smiled as he continued to stimulate the small area. “You like that, my one?”

Frerin helplessly nodded with a moaned agreement. 

“Would you like my cock to be doing this and not my finger?” He asked playfully. He couldn’t help it, when Frerin looked like that, a completely undone mess of want and desire, he liked to tease him. At least, just a little considering how much his cock was straining.

“Yes,” was the mewled answer. “F-fuck, Mahal, please~ I need-I need-.”

Thorin pulled his fingers out, both hands taking hold of Frerin’s hips as he slotted his cock between the blond’s butt cheeks. He nipped at Frerin’s ear, a deep rumble purring out of his chest.

“What do you need my Yavanna of Erebor?” He whispered, a hand sliding down Frerin’s thigh.

Frerin let out a sound of the deepest pleasure that Thorin had ever heard. It made his heart beat faster than it already was. His mind muddle completely. Without waiting for a reply he pushed his cock into Frerin’s slick hole. His hips snapped into a quick shallow thrust as he leaned his full body weight down onto the archer. Both of his hands stroked at Frerin’s thighs, sometimes passing up to stroke at cock and caress testicals. 

“My Yavanna.” It came out so possessive, so intimate. In his mind it felt like a great storm and he was unsure of what he was saying, going only by instinct.

Frerin gave the most delicious sound between a low moan of need and a scream of pleasure. Thorin pulled out long enough to roughly roll Frerin onto his back. He grabbed knees, spreading the legs. He caught sight of the reddened cock that looked terribly painful. He moved down, taking the cock into his mouth with a slurp causing Frerin to shout once again, his hands gripping Thorin’s hair as the heir to the kingdom started to bob his head making sure to suck every time he pulled up and loosened his tongue when he plunged down.

“Mahal!!”

Thorin continued to suck. The familiar feel of Frerin’s body shuddering under him spurred him on until his mouth was flooded with the salty liquid of dwarven seed. He released the cock from his mouth, coming up once more to grip at knees. He hoisted Frerin’s hips up, his cock delving into the blond’s body once more. Legs clamped around his waist. He leaned over Frerin nearly slamming their palms together, his fingers clutching onto his brother’s hands. He looked straight into those sweet brown eyes, heard that intoxicating voice get louder and higher pitch as he bucked viciously into the welcoming body.

“Yavanna,” He kissed Frerin’s gaping mouth. “My Yavanna.”

Frerin screamed again, his body forced into another climax. Thorin roared as he finally came only for his voice to be muffled by a loud boom of thunder that crackled with crisp lightening, startling the two on the bed. Thorin had pulled out of Frerin in an instant, grabbing him and pulling him nearly off of the bed on protective instinct.

When the thunder died down Frerin laughed. His arms wrapping around Thorin’s neck. Thorin could not help the chuckle that came from him. The situation absurd as their hearts and breath returned to them.

“Protecting me even though you’re tired from sex, your cock still inside me.” Frerin kissed Thorin’s lips. “I think I might just love you.”

“Might?” Thorin kissed him back.

“It helps that I have previously established feelings and invested myself as your One.”

“That does help.” Thorin licked Frerin’s lips lazily. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

They settled down, the sounds of a storm outside drummed so loudly that it filled the mountain. Thorin held Frerin as the other slept, his mind wondering why he had become so excited to have called Frerin by the name of a goddess. He didn’t understand it, but it did fit. She was a caretaker of sorts, lovingly looking after all life. Gentle and big hearted, a lot like Frerin. She had to be protected by her husband, having had fallen due to Malgoth… poisoned into a deep sleep.

He felt his heart beat with a pang. He couldn’t let that happen to Frerin. He couldn’t let any more harm come to his precious treasure.

He kissed Frerin’s head. Slipping out of bed, he carefully moved the blankets so that Frerin would not wake up from the cold. He quietly got dressed. He moved around the long corridors of the great kingdom. He stopped down in the late night markets, picking up some things that he knew Frerin would enjoy from new hair beads to small snacks. He stopped by the healers hall, asking if there was a salve that would ease scars. There, while they talked he slipped a bottle of powder into his palm. He knew it well, it was used to antitoxins, used on it’s own it was a deadly concoction that would push a mind to its limit.

He left without being caught for his theft and returned to his room. The next day he slipped the powder into his mother’s food. He watched as she ate, acting all the world as if she had never attacked her son and that Thorin had never had to punch her unconscious. 

It was either her or Frerin. And since no one else could make the choice, he did.

\-------------------------------------------------------------

While everyone slept, Thorin’s mind replaying memories instead of dreams, Kili woke up. He sat up, rubbing at his messy hair, looking around the small camp. The fire was nearly completely burned out. He got up, grabbed a few logs and put them over the dying fire, bending over to blow on the embers until flame caught on the wood. He stood up, dusting off his hands. He smirked when he saw how Nori was draped over Dwalin’s chest like a sleeping fox. It was funny to see. Fili had moved in his sleep, stealing all of the covers from Thorin and had rolled himself up in it with his face completely buried in black hair.

He debated on going back to bed only to have the pressure of needing to pee. He ventured away from camp in order to relieve himself. He found a spot and as he went he heard something. A strange cry. He frowned, never having heard something like that before. He shook himself and laced back up his trousers, waiting to hear a repeat of the sound.

It came again, a screeching cry. 

Kili glanced back at camp, everyone still asleep, the logs burning well. He gave a shrug figuring he would only be a moment. He wanted to know what that noise was. He would scout around the area, make sure nothing was going to hurt them and come back. He made sure to grab his quiver and bow before heading out.


	22. snared

The shriek was a distant one, echoing around the forest and rocks. It drove Kili in circles before he became accustomed to the reverberation, able to narrow down where the true source was coming from. He crouched down, low to the ground, his bow clutched in one hand as his fingertips ghosted over the disturbed forest floor. It was too dark to see the details of the strange, booted tracks, but he had enough vision in the night to tell where a footprint pressed into the soft earth. His fingers did the rest. Feeling the freshness of the trail, size and shape, which direction it was going. What ever this creature was, he had never encountered it before. It had to be on two feet, toes pointed out, and dragged its feet with a lumbering sway. Probably infected with gout. 

He moved forward, a sharp grasp snagged at his boot. The snare trap he had stepped in yanked his foot out from under him so quickly that he hit his head on the ground. One hand instinctively clutched at his bow while the other scrambled for the arrows that fell from his quiver, only able to grab two. He feel dizzy even as the pull of of the rope hoisted him into the air, giving for a second to weightlessness before he bounced. He groaned, his head starting to throb from the feeling of blood already rushing to the lowest point of his body.

Already his vision started to darken around the edges, certain it was due to the combination of blood rushing and hitting his head on the way up to his current predicament. He tried moving, to curl up and reach for the rope to cut himself down. His head swam forcing a wave of nausea into his throat, bile creeping into his nose making him cough and choke from the terrible burn. He hung loosely for a few moments, taking deep breaths trying to calm the burning his his throat and nasal passages. He needed help getting down.

He sucked in a deep breath before belting out as loudly as he could, “Nori!!!”

He waited for a bit, his body slowly swinging, the rope making him twist and turn like meat out to dry. He shouted again, “Fili!!! ...anybody!”

He gave a rather loud curse before shouting for Fili once more, as loud as he could. His voice only echoed in a strange pattern once to his left then to his right, traveling farther as it bounced along. The young archer had to come to the conclusion that he was on his own. He had successfully gotten himself into that mess, he had to figure out how to get himself out of it.

He squeezed his eyes closed, took a few deep breaths before trying to curl up once more to reach the rope. This time he did throw up, he choked on the bile and chunks of food, blowing snot and vomit out of his nose so he would not suffocate as a whimper of pain racked through his body.

He helplessly shouted once more this time sounding like a small child. “Thorin!!”

Kili’s vision darkened further as pressure built up in his head. He was going to pass out. The only thing that kept his mind from the grasp of darkness was that unfamiliar shriek, it was coming towards him, a light in the dark forest held up high signaling a torch. The large flame swayed with that lumbering limp before sweeping to the side revealing the black and blue skin the malformed creature that was stumbling through the darkness. The it hit him, an orc. He had been tracking an orc this whole time, never had heard one before and only told stories of them thus far. His heart hammered making his head pulse with pain. He was in an orc trap. He was going to be skinned alive, bits of meat cut from him and tortured.

This time he screamed, screamed for help as he tried to ready his bow, upside down, with only two arrows.

\-----------------------------------------

Fili had jerked awake, his legs kicking Thorin’s making his father wake up as well. He twisted up into a sitting position.

“What was that?” Fili blinked sleep from his eyes.

The distant call, a dying echo for help barely reached their camp.

“Kili!!” Fili yelled as he scrambled up to his feet, launching himself into a dead run. 

Thorin had enough mind to grab his sword, following his son. He hopped in his step twisting around for a few steps as he barked in a loud commanding voice, “Dwalin, Nori!”

\---------------------------------------

His bow shook, his vision swimming as he let the arrow fly. It sung past the orc that snarled in rage at being attacked. Gnarled teeth clacked as the dark creature snapped its jaw. It reached into its belt retrieving a small knife. The tarnished blade caught the light of the torch, jagged and rusted. 

Kili notched his last arrow. His body shook, his previous shot making him sway. He closed one eye trying to focus his shot. He had to make it count.

He pulled in a steadying breath, his aim quivering to the point he could not make a clear shot no matter what he did. The orc was closing in quickly now at a shuffling run. 

The arrow flew from his fingertips, the whistle cutting through the air stopping as it embedded with a thunk of flesh and bone. The orc shrieked, jerking back, from its hand the knife was tossed at Kili. The archer shouted as pain lanced in his stomach, but he watched the orc collapse to the ground. Kili panted out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding. He did it, he was injured, but he did it! He couldn’t believe he actually took down an orc, he- he… the orc was getting back up. 

His breath caught in his lungs. Eyes wide as his body fell completely numb with the cold realization he had failed. He had nothing left to defend himself with, he… he had the orc’s knife. As the creature came running at him once more, dwarven arrow sticking out of its shoulder, Kili grabbed the knife. He screamed, ripping it out of his own body at a bad angle. 

When the orc got close enough Kili swiped out, the blade cutting the orc’s arm. It screamed something at him in a language he did not know, rage in the stained red eyes. Kili tried to swipe at it again only to have the torch the orc was holding come down on him like a club, smashing into his jaw, making him bite his tongue. He dropped the knife as his head throbbed, his tongue seeping blood down his upper lip and into his nose and onto his forehead. His jaw burned as his newly formed beard stubble caught on fire. His eyes rolled back as he lost consciousness. Knife wound to his stomach, tongue almost bitten clean through, head injury from being hoisted up, blood pressure too high and he was on fire; he didn’t expect to open his eyes again. Even so, he had hoped that the faint sound of a lion’s roar was not his imagination.


	23. young pain

The orc was slammed into, teeth biting down, piercing leather and skin. Large claws dug in, the orc screaming, trying to pull away only to make the claws rip through muscle into bone. Black blood filled Fili’s mouth as he chewed down before shaking his head pulling out a chunk of flesh and ill made armor. He rolled onto his side bringing his prey with him. Arms and legs flailed trying to push his large mass off only to serve more of an annoyance than to aid the screaming orc in getting away. 

Massive paws grabbed at shoulders gathering the orc up to his mouth where Fili bit down on the neck, crushing down until his teeth met. He held on until the beast under him stopped moving. His ear turned back hearing the thumping of boots, he let go of the orc, whirling around. He ran underneath the unconscious dwarf that hung upside down. He slammed his paws down on the ground roaring at whomever may be coming.

Thorin instantly threw his arm out to the side, stopping Dwalin and Nori. “Hold! Stay back.” He moved uncertainly, he had never seen his son so feral. He glanced up to Kili who continued to sway and spin slowly, their only light that of the cast off torch on the ground gave little, but it was plenty to see the blackened chin and the dark, reflective, streaks that covered Kili’s mouth that fell over his eyes and brow into his hair. 

“Kili!” 

He went forward only to have the lion knock him over, pinning him to the ground. 

“Thorin!” Dwalin ran forward, one of his axes coming down towards the lion.

“No!” Thorin yelled as the axe cut into fur.

Dwalin was tackled to the side, his axe doing only a little damage to the large cat. Within an instant he was struggling against Nori who was trying hard to out match the warrior for his weapons.

“Nori, get off’a me!”

“I’m not gonna let you hurt him!” 

“I ain’t gonna hurt Thorin, now get off!” He tossed Nori to the side only to have Nori scramble up and cut him off. 

“We don’t need to hurt him, only detain him!”

“Stop squabbling and help me!” Thorin barked as he pushed his scabbard farther into Fili’s mouth, preventing the lion from biting down on him.

Nori quickly undid his belt running over. Expertly he wrapped it around the hind legs of the beast yanking hard and pulling the lion off balance. Thorin pushed harder on the sword scabbard, a claw came towards his head, he moved his head away and raised his shoulder the large claws digging into the furs and catching onto Thorin’s armor he wore under it. Dwalin quickly took Nori’s lead, taking his belt off. He looped it around one paw and forced the other into the belt loop, cinching it tight. Thorin kept his scabbard in the lion’s mouth as they wrestled the beast tying its limbs well so he could not break free. They pulled back, the large cat flopping on its side trying to get up, roaring at them.

Thorin moved to Kili, a small bubble of red popped out of the brunette’s mouth. He took hold of Kili’s shoulders as Nori climbed up Dwalin’s shoulders to cut at the rope that the youth dangled from. He caught the weight mostly, the sudden pressure of it sent him to his knees, Kili’s feet hitting hard on the ground. Large fingers wiped at a mixture of vomit and blood trying to clear the boy’s nose, mouth and eyes. More blood seeped down Kili’s chin. 

“What were you doing out here, child?” He whispered, opening Kili’s mouth to see where the blood was coming from. “Bring me light.”

Nori quickly grabbed up the torch from the ground, bringing it over. The flickering light showing the raw wound of a tongue nearly bit off, hanging open and bleeding profusely. Thorin quickly got to his feet, taking up Kili’s limp form running back to camp. “Dwalin, you will take him back as fast as you can, take him to Oin. Nori you know these paths better than anyone else, take him on the shortest route.”

Nori ran ahead, keeping the torch up high to cast as much light as possible so that the king would not trip on anything unforeseen. When they got back, Nori gathered two ponies while Dwalin asked, “What about Fili? Where did the lad go?”

The warrior pulled himself up onto a pony’s saddle. He leaned down, taking Kili from Thorin. The king’s eyes hard. “Do not worry about him. Your only concern is getting Kili to Oin. Now go!” He slapped the pony’s hindquarter sending it galloping.

Thorin’s feet were slower as he returned to the woods, the adrenaline that had woken him was seeping away. His mind filling with questions; Why was Kili out on his own? There was an orc, why was there an orc in these areas? There should have been a look out. Why did he not assign a look out?

He could have killed his nephew with his carelessness. He should have known that nothing had ever gone smoothly in his life, why would their first family hunting trip be any different? 

A sorrowful cry cut through the air, dwarven, not beast. It grew in intensity as Thorin came closer to where they had left his son, there he laid, naked and bound.

“Kili!!!” He shouted once more, part of his face pressing into the ground. The orc blood stained his mouth and beard, as he scrubbed his head against a spot of blood left behind by their archer. He struggled to get out of leather belts that bit into his skin so tight it was turning his fingers red. His chest huffed several times as he bared his teeth growling before he lifted up his head once more screaming as loudly as he could. “KILI!!!”

“Shh, child.” Thorin knelt beside Fili, trying to keep his voice as soothing as possible. 

“Where is he?! Where is my Kili?!!”

Thorin’s fingers worked on the belt around Fili’s wrists. “Dwalin and Nori are taking him to a healer. He will follow soon.”

“What was he strung up like meat?!” Fili struggled harder, hitting his head against the ground in desperation to free himself. 

“Fili!” Thorin used his hardest tone making the other stiffen for a moment. “Calm yourself. Let me free you first.”

The blond made a terrible noise then, something Thorin remembered coming from his own throat when he had been told that he would not be seeing Frerin again. It was a sound one made when their world was being shattered leaving them lost in smoke and ash. It pulled at Thorin’s heart as he finally freed Fili’s hands. He moved to his legs, doing the same. His shoulders were grabbed, Fili’s eyes looking deep into his own.

“Can you guarantee me that he is safe?”

Thorin gave a small nod, “Aye. With or without a tongue, he will live.”

Fili nearly crushed Thorin in his embrace, holding onto him as if he was a scared child. He blinked back the tears in his eyes, his tongue wetting just the inside rim of his lips. He sucked in a deep breath, only when Thorin held him back. 

“He will be well.” 

Fili let a few fearful tears slip free. Even though his father sounded certain, he smelled afraid.


	24. silence

Oin was a better healer than most. He was, after all, the only one that Thorin trusted. He worked fast no matter what state the patient was in from his years of experience. So when a loud banging came upon his door late at night he simply pulled himself up out of bed, not caring to put on trousers as he answered the door. His lit candle peered into the darkness finding a rather common customer of his, Nori. The ginger dwarf had a larger one behind him who was carrying someone. He moved to the side letting them run in. He pointed to the side to his table as he started a kettle over the coals of his fire. He threw a few logs on, blowing on the red embers until the wood caught fire. He went around the room lighting all the candles and lamps he had bringing a bright glow to chase away the shadows.

“‘an what happened?” He asked as he leaned over Kili’s face looking at the blood that was crusting and clumping.

“We’re not too sure.” Nori said as he tried to ignore the naked state of the old dwarf. “We was on a hunting trip, yeah? And while we slept he got himself strung up like a rabbit and attacked by an orc.”

Oin snorted. “You were going through the south, I take it? Orcs have been seen there recently.” He tilted Kili’s head back looking into his mouth, he took hold of the youth’s tongue and moved it about, assessing the damage. “Though most come back dead or nearly dead.”

The healer continued to look over Kili finding the only real damage had been done to his face and tongue. When he was done the kettle started to whistle and he set about bathing Kili’s face to see the true extent of the damage. He then produced needles and suture that he used to start to sew Kili’s tongue shut. 

“You can save his tongue, yeah?” Nori asked, trying hard not to bite at his thumb nail.

“Aye, but he cannot be eating anything for some time, only broth and he’ll need something to numb it, a wash I can make for him that he’ll have to spit out. Keep a close eye on it though.” He tied the last stitch before cutting the suture. “If it infects then I will have to take it completely off. So no ale, only boiled water for him to drink.”

“How long will it take to heal?” Dwalin asked.

“If all goes well, then a few weeks.”

“The lad cannot survive that long with only broth.”

“True, I will give you some herbs to help supplement, he’ll have to drink it like tea.” He turned Kili’s chin up looking at the red bubbles of a burns filling with plasma across Kili’s chin where the torch had struck him. He sighed.

“What is it?”

Oin circled his finger in the air around Kili’s burns. “See here? The burns will prevent the areas from a beard to fully grow…” He shook his head. 

“What?” Dwalin looked as if he had been struck.

“The lad will not have a beard. Stubble at most.”

“Well, do something!” 

Oin took a needle and lanced the boils before getting a paste and rubbing it across the burns. “I am doing all I can, laddie. He’ll need this past twice a day,try to avoid putting it on when he sleeps, it will only rub off when he sleeps. For now, keep him still until the paste becomes brittle and flaky then you can wipe it off. I’ll get the medicine ready, you can take him home now.”

The old dwarf then gathered up many things, grinding them together and putting them into different packages while Nori dug into his purse to pay the healer. He took the medicine from Oin as Dwalin picked up Kili. They went outside, Nori putting the medicine in a saddlebag. They both felt heavy, having known Kili most of his life. He could loose his tongue, and they would still love him and he would still smile and be bright as ever because that was what he was. But losing his beard before he could even truly grow it? Dwarves would accuse him of bringing shame upon his family. He would be labeled undesirable, none of the lasses would take a fancy to him finding him disfigured. He was in for a lonely life and even though they would still cherish him there was only so much the could do.

“He’ll grow a beard.” Nori looked at Dwalin pointedly as he gathered the reins of both ponies. “You’ll see.”

“I hope you’re right. The lad has already dealt with enough for such a young thing.”

Nori only lowered his gaze to the ground. Dwalin didn’t know the half of it but his words rang true. He pulled on the reins starting their walk back to Bofur’s home. They were only a street away from Oin’s when they heard the tramping of hooves. The ponies were slowed, Dwalin and Nori turned to see that it was Thorin and Fili. Fili threw himself off of his pony, running up to Dwalin.

“Kili!”

“Easy lad. He’s resting.” Dwalin said.

Fili’s gaze sharpened as he moved to take Kili from him. “Give him to me.”

“I can-”

Fili leaned over Kili, his teeth bared growling deeply. He was not going to repeat himself. He needed to have his brother, to hold him and know he was safe. Dwalin moved his head back a little in surprise from the ferocity from the blond.

“Dwalin, give him Kili.” Thorin lead his and Fili’s ponies, Kili’s tied to Thorin’s saddle by a lead. 

The large warrior carefully relinquished his hold on the brunet. Fili seemed to instantly relax, his nose burying in brown hair and giving a deep sniff. The blond closed his eyes and did it again, taking in the mixture of smells from injury to the balm, but taking a great comfort that he was no longer reeking of fear nor blood. He didn’t look to anyone, not caring for the strange looks that Dwalin and Nori gave him as he headed home. He would take care of his lovely, nurse him back to health.

“Ain’t right.” Dwalin grumbled while folding his arms over his chest.

“What did you say?” Thorin felt the hairs on the back of his neck bristle. 

“For the lad to be so protective of Kili only to have not been there to help him, it ain’t right.” Dwalin sniffed. “Don’t like it.”

“He helped more than you know.” Thorin pulled his ponies along giving his old friend a sharp look that told him that he needed to drop the subject.

\---------------------------------

It had been two weeks, Kili’s burn was still red but at least it was no longer tender to the touch and didn’t make him nearly scream when he had to put the balm on. He turned the looking glass around in his hand looking under his chin, bringing it up to look at his jaw. He looked horrible, ugly… He opened his mouth looking at his tongue that still held stitches. He quickly snapped his jaw shut.

He was… disfigured. 

He went to throw the looking glass across the room only to have a familiar hand grab his wrist. He was pulled back against a strong chest as that hand slipped from his wrist to take the looking glass from him. A nose was buried into his neck as familiar blond hair slipped over his shoulder. He quickly pulled away, turning around looking at his brother. Fili was never far from his side now, always present just as they had been when they were small children. But this time there was a different air about them, no longer playful kids but caring adolescence on the cusp of manhood. Kili had wanted to tell Fili about Thorin’s approval, tell him that they could be together and perhaps start a courtship but now… now… he… he was hideous. He was an oozing wound of pus and infected blood next to such a golden treasure.

He slipped his arms around his stomach looking away from those beautiful blue eyes, making a soft sound in the back of his throat as his dark hair slipped around his neck, resting on his shoulders. He couldn’t even say Fili’s name any more, any movement of his tongue hurt so badly. What kind of creature was he, that he couldn’t even say Fili’s name?

Fili stepped up to him, hand coming up to his neck only to have Kili step away shaking his head. Fili growled. In turn Kili shook his head more only whimpering something in his throat. This was how they talked now. Since Kili couldn’t talk the golden prince had decided to forgo speech as well, falling back into favoritism with grunts and growls that Kili knew well from when they had first known each other. Fili was telling him to stop thinking such bad things about himself, and Kili, replying with that it was the truth.

The rogue was about to make his usual exit from these arguments, spend time with Bifur that he understood a lot more of now due to his condition. Forcing a distance between Fili and himself only to have Fili grab him about the waist. He struggled against the strong dwarf only to be tossed onto the bed. He bounced a little on the mattress, trying to get up only to have Fili growl dangerously, pushing him back down and covering him with his own body. He pushed at Fili’s chest, the smithy grabbed his wrists and pinned them down. Fili lowered his head, his tongue lapping over the reddened remnants of the burns. They continued their whimpers and grunts of a conversation.

Let me up, Kili would say. 

Not until you realize you’re being silly, Fili would reply.

And silly he was. To Fili, Kili was beautiful, sweet and lovely. Nothing could make him ugly, nothing could make him a wicked sight to gaze upon. And though he yearned to kiss Kili’s mouth he worked on showing once more how much he cared. Kili was his mate, not something to be tossed to the side like a broken doll. He moved his hands, opening up Kili’s tunic to lay wet kisses over collarbone and hollow of neck. And soon Kili was moaning. Fili’s hands robbed him of his clothing, the blond pulling away to look down at the beauty on the mattress. His hands roamed over the expanse of chest to sides. Rubbing with a little pressure, knowing that Kili was a little ticklish. He ran his palms over hips to thighs, ignoring the awakening prick that responded to his touches. He leaned down, pulling one of Kili’s ear lobes in between his teeth to worry it gently. He continued to bathe attention to his dusky mate, playing kisses and stroking with his large warm palms. 

He purred deeply when Kili writhed under him, making lovely sounds. He had never been able to explore Kili like this before and he quite liked it. This whole venture on the bed had started off as just wanting to comfort him, but now he wanted to show what Kili really was to him. He grinned when the brunet pulled at his clothing. The time when Kili pushed at him he allowed it, letting the other pull his tunic off and even though he couldn’t use his tongue he still kissed where he could. Pulling and pushing until Fili was naked and on top of him. They held onto each other, Fili’s hand went to Kili’s butt, pulling him close as their hardened cocks rutted against each other. Kili wrapped his legs around Fili’s waist rolling his hips. He panted against taut skin of the lion’s shoulder, placing kisses as pleasure bombarded his senses. He whimpered as Fili cupped his ass, pressing their hips closer together, his other caressed. His mouth was hot against Kili’s skin despite how much he was starting to sweat from the physical exertion and he found himself easily in a situation that he would admit to always wanting that mouth on him. 

Neither knew who came first just that hot seed splashed between their bodies, mixing together as they whimpered and grunted through their climax. Kili tried to roll away from Fili afterwards, hot and sticky, needing room to breath, but Fili only held onto him tightly growling possessive causing the other to sigh. Fili nuzzled Kili’s neck taking in the deep scent of their lovemaking. His chest rumbled with deep purring that make Kili squirm as it felt a bit ticklish. Eventually Kili managed to get enough leeway in order to get comfortable. He laid their, Fili finally moving only to stroke at his body with gentle touches. He looked up with sleepy eyes seeing the love in Fili’s eyes. Seeing how much he didn’t care for looks. He just loved Kili. And that, made him smile for the first time since the orc attack.


	25. the end of Dis

Bifur sat on the floor, once more trying to cook his lettuce over the fire. Kili was beside him, taking the lettuce away and giving him a chunk of beef to cook instead. The brunet leaned against Bifur’s side, the two exchanging small sounds in a conversation, breaking into hand gestures of sign language. Fili sat at the table, watching them. Thorin and Bofur had left for the day leaving him in charge for the wounded, though he was certain that they could take care of themselves. Bifur was a little strange but he was no imbecil. He knew how to care for himself now, and Kili was recovering nicely. In fact, Oin wanted to take his stitches out by the end of the weak and have him start talking again. 

He smiled when Kili took the bit of beef and wrapped the lettuce around it and handed it to Bifur, he looked at it before grabbing some cheese off of the small plate between the two of them and stuffed it as well as his meat wrap into a roll, which he then tried to encourage Kili to eat. When Kili shook his head Bifur waved a hand at Kili’s body and patted his belly, venturing out a slur of khuzdul. Fili had to agree, Kili was losing weight and had to put some more back on but he was still on his diet of broth and herbs. There was a knocking on the door that pulled Fili out of his chair as Kili had his silent struggle with Bifur.

He opened it to see Dori, red cheeked and huffing. Hand over his chest as he tried to catch his breath.

“Have-” Dori swallowed and panted a few more breaths. “Have- you seen Ori?”

Ori? They had not seen Ori for at least a week when he came by to give Kili parchment and quills to help with his communication with Thorin and Bofur. Far as Fili knew the little redhead had been busy with his studies with Balin.

“No, I haven’t seen him in a while.” Fili did not have to look behind his shoulder to see that his conversation with Dori had stirred Kili and Bifur, the two now listening in. “How long has he been missing?”

“He was supposed to go to Balin for his studies this morning but did not show. I asked around and the only clue I have to where he had gone was there was a lady dwarf that had been talking to him in the market by the ink seller. After that, nothing. I-I don’t know where he could have gone. You and Kili are his best friends, I thought, surely you would know where he had gotten off to!”

Fili turned quickly grabbing his coat off of the hook by the door. “I shall help you find him.”

As he shrugged on his coat Kili got up off of the floor, he made a worried sound in the back of his throat. Fili grabbed the back of the brunet’s neck and pulled him close, their foreheads resting. “You stay here.” He said calmly. “I will help Dori find our missing brother.”

Kili pulled back to make a hand gesture for him to be careful. Fili smiled and pressed a kiss to his mate’s head, then he was out the door, following Dori to the last place he had looked. Kili stayed by the closed door, wringing his hands together as something churned inside. It didn’t seem right. Something was wrong. He looked to Bifur who beckoned him with a wave of his hand. He went back to the fire and sat down. 

Bifur signed, “You worry too much. He is strong.”

Kili looked back to door. Perhaps Bifur was right, he never did like being too far away from Fili even when he was just a blond, naked boy in the forest with no name. Either way, if Fili took too long he would follow. He was a good tracker, he would find him.

\------------

“I’ll look east.” Fili said pointing in the direction he was going to head. “Ori sometimes enjoys sketching the fields and the workers.”

“I’ll look farther south, maybe he got caught up with a travelling merchant for stories to record.” Dori sighed worriedly. “Mahal willing, we will find him unscathed.”

Fili wanted to say that his worries were for nothing, that he was certain that Ori was fine and had only lost track of time. The words of reassurance stuck in his throat because he knew them to be completely untrue and if he said them he would only bring to light the desperation of the situation. Ori was not a wanderer. He never went he was not supposed to unless it was Fili and Kili egging him on and even then it was never outside of the village. He was hardly adventurous when it was of his own accord unless you counted the tales he would spin in books that he would write. Which only lead to one conclusion; he was in trouble.

The blond moved along his way, leaving the village to the outskirting farms. His eyes scanning for anything out of place or a familiar mess of red hair sitting down amongst the wheat stocks. He searched for hours, stopping to talk to the workers and thanking them kindly for their time. He pushed farther out until something caught his eye. There was a disturbance at the edge of one of the fields, a depression of the tall wheat too small to be a deer bed.

He felt his heart drop into his stomach as he hurried over, before he could see into the small depression a potent scent slammed into him making him halt. It felt like he came to a wall, his body not wanting to move forward to face the reality of what he smelled that was distinctly Ori. But he pushed himself into motion, coming upon a place of struggle. The liquid scent of copper mixed with fear, made his head swim. He could feel the pull of his fingers, the painful prickling as his hands tried to change into claws at the sight of blood splattered on soil. He took a few deep breaths. He was no use as a lion, he would only go berserk. He needed to calm down.

After one long breath he found picked up his feet and followed the trail that disappeared into the tree lines. He was no visual tracker, he used his nose to stop and sniff, finding the scent trailing in a winding path. Splatters of blood dotted the way a few yards apart, distinct, deliberate. It was not lost on him that someone was luring him into a trap. This trail was marked for scent mostly, for him, not someone who was a skilled tracker. 

Soon the smell of fear started to wash away, the sound of rushing water came to his ears. He slipped behind a tree as the forest broke into a clearing where there was a large creek. Ori sat on a rock, shaking and holding himself. His nose was broken, welts on his face that varied from small bruises to split open cuts from punches, his body dripping wet with a slash in his shirt around his arm showing where a knife had bled him. 

“He won’t come.” Ori said sharply to someone outside of Fili’s view.

“Oh he’ll come.” Ori’s capture stepped into view, it was Dis. Hair wild as her crazed eyes. In her hand she had a knife that she brought up to Ori’s chin making him look up at her. “You and my baby have been that creature’s best friends since any of you could remember. Once word comes that proper, time keeping, good boy, Ori has disappeared he’ll come sniffing you out.”

“Why are you doing this? Why do you hate him so much? He has done nothing to you!”

“He took my baby from me!!!” Dis screamed the tip of her knife pressed harder into Ori’s throat as she grabbed his shoulder with her free hand. “While Kili lays cold as clay that beast roams free!!”

“That’s enough!” Fili shouted, stepping out of his hiding spot. He held up his hands to show he was unarmed. “Dis… That’s enough.”

“It’s not going to be enough!” Dis screamed grabbing Ori by his hair. She yanked him to his feet and around to face Fili. “Not until you’re-”

“Dead.” Fili cut in. He gestured with one hand as he spoke as calmly as he could. “But Ori has nothing to do with that. He’s innocent in all of this.” His mind raced as fast as his heart trying to grasp at any words that would appeal to the insane woman. “As innocent as Kili.”

Her grip relaxed in Ori’s hair and Fili knew he had a hook in. He continued to pull on it, hoping to reel in a result that was be in the ginger’s safety.

“He has nothing to do with this. He doesn’t know any better, just like Kili didn’t.” He took a step forward. “Sweet and innocent, just like your little boy.”

“My…” Tears flooded Dis’ eyes, running down her cheeks. “My baby…. which you took from me!!”

Fili stepped forward again. “That’s right, I took him! Me, not Ori. Let Ori go.”

Silence fell, only the rushing water to be heard. Dis shoved Ori forward so hard he stumbled. Fili caught him, the scribe clutched onto him for safety.

“I need you to run, Ori.” Fili whispered to his best friend, his little brother.

“She’s crazy Fili, I’m not leaving you.”

“You’re going to have t- shit!!”

Fili barely had enough time to shove at Ori. Dis had charged at them knife held up high. The metal tooth came down catching in Fili’s coat sleeve. He pulled back a fist and slammed it into her jaw causing her to stumble. She dropped the knife in favor for returning the blow. Sparks flew across Fili’s vision as Dis was strong and fast. She dealt another punch to Fili’s cheek. 

He crouched down and slammed forward catching her in the stomach with his shoulder as he tackled her to the ground. She used the momentum to her advantage, shoving a foot into Fili’s stomach and throwing him into the air and onto his back. The princess scrambled forward onto his feet, running at him as he coughed. Her boot flew into his side as hard as she could, feeling a sense of satisfaction as a few ribs broke.

Fili screamed, rolling onto his side and clutching at his ribs. Hands grabbed him and pulled him a few feet over and suddenly his face was in the water. His eyes opened to the murky dark of the shadows of the grassy bank. Silver bubbles hurriedly leaving his nose and mouth as he struggled against the hands holding his head under. He grabbed onto cloth and tried to twist his body so he could try kicking at Dis, but she moved and sat on his back, putting pressure on his broken ribs. He screamed under the water forcing him to swallow. His head started to feel pressure as his lungs held onto the last few precious amounts of air.

Ori rushed at Dis, he hit into her back and grabbed onto her wrists.

“No!!!” He pulled at her arms allowing enough time for Fili to lift his head and gasp in air.

“Get off!!” She shoved Fili’s head back under the water, struggling with Ori but so concentrated on killing the boy she had birthed. “He needs to die!”

That one gasp of air was not enough, he was back in the water, choking on some of the water he had breathed in by accident. He was coughing into the liquid, sucking it in through his nose and mouth, feeling it burn his nasal passages and down his throat and into his chest. He struggled harder, kicking his legs against the ground trying to get any sort or purchase that may save him. 

He was going to die, he was going to drown!

He could feel his body being swayed as Ori continued to struggle with Dis on top of him, but the struggling felt distant. He no longer had the strength to kick, to fight for breath as the last silver bubbles left his lungs. He didn’t even have the strength to blink as his vision grew dark and his body gave out.

Once Fili stopped moving Dis continued to hold his head under the water. She ignored the screams from the boy she had assaulted earlier as a grim satisfaction filled her. Her boy was dead, now was the beast.

Something hard collided with her head knocking her to the side and into the water. Pain blossomed throughout her skull as she flailed her arms, breaking the surface. She glared at the redhead that had just hit her with a rock. He was pulling Fili out of the water, rolling him onto his back. He started to put his mouth over the other’s. She snorted. A lover’s last kiss? Pathetic. But then she saw it, the puffing out of cheeks as air was being blown into the blond. She got up to her feet as she realized that the boy was trying to revive that creature!!

“Get away from him!!” She shouted, struggling with her wet skirts to get out of the water.

But Fili was coughing, water spurting from his mouth and Ori was rolling him onto his side.

“No!!” She screamed, clawing up mud and grass. She grabbed some strong looking drift wood and held it up, about to swing down onto Ori’s head as he covered Fili’s body with his own.

A high pitch whistle sang through the air, a hard impact followed causing Dis to stumble where she stood. The wood dropped from her hands as she looked down to the arrow sticking out of her chest. She looked up to where the arrow had come from. It was that lad… the one that told her about Kili’s passing.

“Kili!” Ori shouted.

“Kili?” She whispered in realization. Now that she looked at him, he had the same color of hair as her, the same eyes of her husband, a mixture of fine features of their coupling. Yes… Kili.

Then another arrow was chambered, it flew through the air, catching her in the throat. She grabbed around the arrow shaft. Holding on as blood burbled, slipping down into her lungs and forcing out air. Kili came storming up to her. She was still standing, she reached out for her boy. Her sweet little boy. He stopped long enough to grab her knife off of the ground. He looked so angry with her. What had she done wrong? She had done nothing but love her child.

Kili shoved the blade into her stomach and with as much strength as he could he brought it up, cutting a few inches causing blood to rush forth onto his trousers and boots. The last thing she knew she was being shoved back into the water, only to be found weeks later, bloated and feasted upon by animals, unidentifiable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If for some reason you are wondering why Kili had out right killed her, this is why;  
> He had killed others to keep Fili safe. He had warned Dis to stay away from him. He is traumatized with Fili nearly dying from illness as well as the human doctor cutting his throat. Fili is his life and he will not give it up for anything, not even for his mother.


	26. the rumblings of a quest

Kili had washed the blood from his clothing while Fili laid helpless on the grass. Ori, stroking his hair and checking every once in a while to make sure his breathing was steady, though ragged as it was. Kili felt a pull of sorrow for having to end his mother, but his heart still beat with adrenalin from seeing her ready to bash in Ori’s head, the tiny redhead trying his damnedest to be a living shield for Fili. He knew he would carry that regret for the rest of his life. But… When he looked over at them, how Fili was asking if Ori was alright with a hoarse voice and weak fingers touching braids, how Ori nodded and fussed, he knew he would do it all over again. They were his family, not Dis, not the woman who had tried to poison him and kill Fili and had almost succeeded if not for Ori.

He had taken them to the healers after Fili was able to start moving. He slung his brother’s arm over his shoulder as he held onto his side, hissing through his teeth from the pain. When Fili and Ori were being bandaged they refused to say what happened. They went home, where Bifur was pacing worriedly with Dori. Both assaulted them with questions in khuzdul, and signs and yells in common, but still they did not say. Instead all three went to Fili and Kili’s bedroom. They took off their dirty clothes, changed into nightshirts- Ori borrowing one of Kili’s-, and they climbed into bed. They were careful of Fili’s ribs and all three clung onto each other as if they were tiny children told a bad story. They stayed like that even after Thorin got home and tried to talk to them, after Bofur tried to encourage them to get up and eat. It was not until morning that they ventured away from each other. And as the years passed they did not speak of what had happened. All anyone knew was that Dis went missing, suspicions of foul play was at hand when the carcass of a dwarven woman was found, a week later, unidentifiable. The rumors came to nothing, and Vili eventually left Ered Luin in search for his wife. Which hand plunged their lives into a peaceful harmony. 

Ori studied his scribe duties, earning money for dictations and notations from nobles, businessmen, and merchants. Fili and Kili had moved into their own home eventually, a small hut perfect for just the two of them. Kili had learned the ways of the ranger, tracking, hunting, trapping. He knew when someone was lying, knew how to sniff out trouble and nip it in the bud before it could become a thorn in the side. He became silver tongued but still rambunctious since he was still young. And Fili had been pulled from smithing duties, after he mastered making delicate items in favor for proper grooming. He was announced formally to being the heir of Thorin’s to their dwarven kin which lead to a few years on the road, going from large settlement to dwarven mountains to be presented and shown off. 

Fili had years of learning how to hold his back up straight, keep his hair and beard in a stately manner to show power as well as kindness. He was taught how to run a kingdom, though he had nothing but the Blue Mountains. Fili had been run into the ground on several occasions, shadowing Thorin when he went around the Blue Mountains, proud of the land he had earned with much hard work. He was presented with suitors that he had to eloquently refuse for reasons that had to be made up since none could understand he had already chosen, Kili. On those particular nights, after coming home after having to sit with another woman and forced to hold her hand to appease her parents and accept kisses on the cheek, he would return home where he would pin Kili to whatever surface he could find and claim that lovely mouth and body over and over again until both could no longer move, covered his sweat and seed.

It was when Fili came to the age of eighty two that things took a turn. He had been kissing behind Kili’s ear as his brother was trying to cook when a knock came to their door.

Kili sighed heavily. “Always at mealtime!” He shouted pulling from Fili, he was more upset for the interruption of Fili’s attention, he was already used to cooking for more than two people because it was common for someone to came over around supper or lunch to bother them. “I swear, you need to be less handsome so that people will leave us alone.”

Fili chuckled as he gave one more kiss, “Do not worry, I will make it up to you tonight, my darling raven.”

Kili purred at that and bumped his hips back against Fili’s to urge him to get moving only to yip when Fili grabbed him and rubbed against his backside with two thrusts before grinning like a cheshire cat while walking away. The brunet glaring at him as he just wiggled his eyebrows before answering the door.

He was greeted with two guests, one he was quite familiar with since it was the dwarf that raised him but the other looked strange, but familiar. The grey clothing and was quite tall, between an elf and a man. He tilted his head to the side a little, taking him in. Something inside of his mind said he should recognize him but he simply did not.

“Fili.” Thorin said sternly, rooting his wandering mind into reality.

He stepped back, “Come in. Kili, we have two guests.”

“Two? That would be our luck.” The younger pulled the pot of stew off of the fire. “Fili, help me out with this.”

Fili came over quickly grabbing up four bowls and two loafs of bread that he broke into equal portions. Once the meal was served, Kili finally got to take in their unusual guest who sat at their table. Tall and thin, decent beard for a human. He looked… familiar.

“Have we met before?” Kili asked around a mouthful of bread.

“Indeed we have, but you had been nothing but a tiny dwarfling when I had met the two of you.” The stranger smiled. “And even then, only for a brief moment.”

“He has a very good memory.” Fili ruffled Kili’s hair forcing it to go everywhere and a smile on his puppy like face. He looked the stranger. “May I ask your name?”

“I am Gandalf, a wizard.” He smiled sagely at the two pairs of eyes that grew wide and looked up at him with such youthful wonder. 

“A real wizard? You can do actual magic?” Kili asked.

“Indeed I can.”

“I thought wizards stayed to one region.” Fili leaned back in his chair, touching his mustache in thought. “I heard of one, in white and two in blue that have towers they tend to.”

Gandalf smiled. “I prefer the company of the world to that of parchment.”

Blue eyes narrowed. “But that does not answer the question of why you are with my father.”

Thorin shifted uncomfortably, dropping his spoon as he cleared his throat. But Gandalf pushed on, “I am here to collect on a debt.”

“A debt?” Fili did not like the sounds of this. He looked to Thorin. “What debt?”

“It has been a long time, you may have forgotten it… When you were a small dwarfling, we had received word Bifur was injured and we had to travel with Bofur to Bree. You had fallen grievously ill.”

Kili reached under the table, grabbing Fili’s hand. Their fingers laced together. They had forgotten about that time, their memories murky from time, but the fear of illness, of being separated was still there.

“Gandalf had lent us aid, in return he had asked for one thing.” Thorin pushed his bowl to the side, his arms coming up and resting on the table. “And it is reasonable for what he asks.”

“Which would be?” Kili asked sharply. His own dealings with debt never having a peaceful result. It forced his mind into telling him that Gandalf would take Fili from him, whisk him off to be an apprentice or some servant for the wizard. His life indebted to the old man only to be taken advantage of.

“To take back your rightful homeland, Erebor.” Gandalf filled in.

The room fell silent. 

Fili started to shake his head, he stood up, scraping the chair legs against the floor. “No. No. We may be young but we are not fools. You speak of a dragon, resting in the belly of that mountain that has killed countless dwarves. He had terrorized Dale and other cities for virgins to eat at his leisure for years. Ask something else for your payment to this debt.”

“It is all that I ask. The dragon has not been seen for sixty years now. There is a good chance that he has been sleeping. This is the opportunity that presents to us a chance of winning back the last great kingdom of the dwarves.” Gandalf said calmly. “I do have a plan if you would but sit and hear me out.”

Fili looked to Thorin. “This is foolish, father.”

“Say as you will, the deal had been struck when you were sweating with fever.” Thorin sighed, not willing to look up at the shocked expression of Fili’s. “Sit.”

The blond did as he was told and listened. Gandalf would allow them to gather fourteen members for a company, Thorin had already chosen a few that he would call upon. If he could not fill all the numbers then he had asked the wizard to find the remaining ones of trusted companions that could give a great deal’s worth to the quest. With the aid of the wizard there was confidence that they would succeed and the more they spoke the more Fili warmed up to the idea, though by the time Thorin and Gandalf left he was still not hopping with excitement, in fact he was dreading the whole business, only less upfront about it.

He closed the door after them, taking the dishes and cleaning them as he let his mind empty from thought. A strange, heavy, spot developed in his stomach that felt like a stone. Something was wrong with this quest, but it could have easily been the worry of putting Kili within the reach of a dragon that made him want to pack their things and disappear. Eventually he stopped scrubbing and rinsing, staring down at the dirty water that needed to be taken out. His muscles felt tight as that ball in his stomach. He looked down at his arms, sleeves rolled up, the material slightly quivering from his slight trembling. His knuckles were white where he gripped at the edge of the basin.

Arms wrapped around his chest, Kili’s solid body coming up to his as his lover hugged him from behind.

“It’ll be alright. We will stay together, keep each other safe.” Kili pressed his cheek against the soft waves of golden hair.

“What if something happens to Thorin? What if we get separated and I am not there to protect you? What if the dragon is not asleep and we all parish in just a puff of smoke and ash?!” He trembled harder as he felt rage start to heat his skin. “We have fought to live as long as we have, riding on the coat tales of luck and luck runs out.”

“Then we’ll make our own, because I will not loose you until you’re too damn old to see and walk.” Kili turned Fili around, touching his face. His thumb rubbed over the cheek that leaned into his touch. “I will settle for no less than a long life with you. Then we will be in the Halls of Waiting where Mahal will smile because we made him proud for how long we had fought and survived and still remained with one another.”

Fili smiled a little. “On our quest with Thorin, you will have to keep in mind to not wag your tongue so freely.”

“Why?”

“Because it is hard to resist you when you speak.” Fili leaned up kissing Kili’s lips.

“Then don’t resist.” Kili smiled grabbing at Fili’s belt.

His nimble fingers quickly unbuckled the belt letting it fall to the floor. He took hold of Fili’s shirt, pulling it up and over his head, tossing it to the floor as well. He hummed in appreciation, looking at the well sculpted muscles of Fili’s chest and arms. His palms running over the curled hair, thumbs rubbing over nipples as he bit his lower lip looking at Fili coyly. 

“You are much too tense, my lovely lion.” He kissed at Fili’s neck, his teeth raking through the well groomed whiskers at Fili’s jaw.

“You are not helping me much since you have much too many layers of clothing on.” Fili’s hands took care of Kili’s belt before slipping under tunic to untie the laces to trousers. 

Kili easily stepped out of the trousers soon as they were loosened, he grabbed hold of Fili’s and pulled as he carefully walked backwards. He had some trouble as Fili would stop his progress to their bedroom by grabbing onto him, lips on his neck, hands under his tunic rubbing against his hips to circle around and grab at his ass. They barely made it to their bedroom when Fili lifted Kili up fully bringing his legs up and around Fili’s waist.

The younger moaned at the feel of Fili’s cock strained against the ties to his trousers wanting the contact of Kili’s flesh. He rocked against that lovely bulge, moaning, the shocks of pleasure causing his cock to twitch and fill. 

Kili wrapped his arms around Fili’s strong shoulders, his mouth capturing lips. The moan that he pulled from Fili was low, guttural, and just the right amount of animalistic that made his whole body tingle with want. He whimpered in response, their tongues playing just past their teeth in an odd display of innocence. His hips continued to grind down against Fili’s crotch as his brother carried him to the bed. He was laid down, his tunic pushed up to his armpits so that Fili could touch. His calloused fingers rubbing over nipples lightly making Kili unlock his legs, his body trembling as he spread his legs in welcome.

“Fili.” He panted when the blond pulled away from him.

The heir worked off his trousers, Kili pulling the last of his clothing off. He quickly snatched the pot of oil and started to slick is cock, bringing it down in long strokes over his stones down to his entrance. He gathered more oil as he moved his legs up higher into the air allowing him better access. He slipped two fingers in easily, closing his eyes at the lovely feeling. He pumped them gently, scissoring them and taking his time.

Fili watched, his cock twitching at the display that Kili was showing. He always knew how to pull his mind from a stressful train of thought and the best way he did that was when they were alone so he could perform for Fili. This one was a little rushed, most likely because he needed the stress relief of their coupling just as badly as the lion. But it was still a treat to see him fingering himself. When Kili pushed in the third finger, Fili moved forward, crawling on his knees. His hands ran over lovely inner thighs, strong and lean, made for running and hunting. He kissed one thigh, dragging his tongue over a quivering muscle as Kili gasped from the contact. He kissed the other, nipping his teeth over the tender flesh, careful to apply just the right amount of pressure with his sharp teeth that made Kili remove his fingers from his own body as he called out Fili’s name.

Fili purred as he ran a finger from Kili’s anus along the smooth patch of skin under the balls, rubbing gently causing the other to squirm and make the most frantic sounds. 

“You used a lot of oil.” He mused. “Makes me wonder if you just want to fuck your own fingers or have my cock inside of you as soon as possible.”

“Cock! Fucking-ah- cock!” Kili clawed at the bed as Fili continued to assault that sensitive area. 

“Now, do you want it between your thighs? Rubbing up against yours. Shoved deep into your mouth so you can taste my seed as it spills?” He grinned, it was his turn to tease and put on a show.

Kili thrashed on the bed, shaking his head from side to side. “In me. Need-” he swallowed around his dry tongue. Fili grabbed his cock giving it a long stroke making he keen and raise off of the bed.

“What do you need, my raven?”

Oh gods, that voice, Fili’s bedroom voice always did things to his body and the smug fucker knew it!

“Need your fat, meaty cock in me!” Kili managed to finally push out as fast as he could.

Well, how could Fili say no to that? He lined himself up and pushed in slowly, groaning at the feel of his mate’s heat and tightness. It was perfect, always so perfect. They fit together like a key to a lock, no matter who took the top. 

Fili ran his hands over Kili’s heaving chest, letting the other catch his breath. He pressed his hands down in a kneading pattern of a cat reducing Kili into a moaning mess, completely relaxed and boneless before he rocked his hips. The brunet keened his hands coming into a mess of golden hair and pulling Fili in for a sloppy kiss. Fili continued to kiss him, their innocent like kissing setting a slow pace. Each thrust rocked Kili’s body, sweat collecting on their skin, breaths mingling. Kili’s hands wrapped around Fili’s torso, fingers pressing into taut muscles of his sides and back, making Fili relax despite the physical exertion they were experiencing. 

“I love you.” Kili mumbled into Fili’s mouth. “I love you so much.”

Fili smiled, moving up to his hands making him go deeper into his lover with each thrust. His breath was heavy with the need to come, the familiar tightness in his loins.

“I love you, Kili.” He replied, bucking a little faster, bowing his head, breathing out his oaths of love. 

He reached between them and tugged on Kili’s cock, tipping Kili over the edge. Ropes of come splashed up as the brunet arched his back, holding onto Fili, a cry falling from his lips. It was enough to make Fili come as well. Burying deep, with shallow bucks letting Kili’s walls to milk him dry, before pulling out. He slipped to Kili’s side, letting him have his moment after sex to catch his breath and cool his burning skin. 

Kili then rolled over and hugged himself up against Fili, stroking messy hair and kissing that lovely mouth he could never get enough of as Fili hugged him close.

“Feeling better?” Kili asked softly.

The pleasant mood slowly slipped from them as Fili thought about what had first bothered him before their lovely tryst. They stayed in silence while Fili stroked a hand over Kili’s back. Gandalf and Thorin had many points as to why the quest must happen. They did have a plan, and it did ease him that they were not just talking about it to run off within the next month. They needed to prepare, plan, and gather everything together. With this in mind he answered. 

“I still do not like the idea but… if there is a plan that will not fail us… I will go with them.” Fili tightened his hold on Kili. “I will keep father safe. I will keep you safe, no matter the cost.”

“As long as that cost is not you.” Kili held onto Fili. “Promise me, the cost will not be you.”

“I promise.” He lied.


	27. The Beginning of a Quest

He didn’t like the shire, it always brought back terrible memories of Fili’s body burning with fever, his little lungs rattling as his tongue stuck out of his mouth through bouts of dry coughing. He had paced around for longer than he should have, up and down the little roads, stopping at bends to look over the speckles of light from moving lanterns as the hobbits left the local tavern to go to their homes. When he had first come through, a few days ago, when hobbits were still milling about, he had inquired about Belladonna and her husband Bungo. It grieved him to learn of their passing, learning about how they had a child that took over Bag End and was a successful lawyer. Bilbo Baggins Esquire was highly regarded and a respectably member of their community though there had been talk about his looks. Bilbo’s color of hair was peculiar seeing as both sides of the family had dark hair, and with his light brown hair, verging on looking like spun honey, it made hobbits question about Belladonna. They did pay it no mind as Bungo was happy and Bilbo grew up a fine man. And now that Thorin was back from Ered Luin he couldn’t help but think of the past. He had hoped to see the two hobbits once more, to show them how Fili and Kili had grown into strong, strapping lads, all thanks to their help. A part of him had hoped they would have caught up like old friends as they had made themselves a special spot in his heart for all they had done for his son and nephew. But he did not have that luxury, and now, where he stood in front of the green door with the rune mark of “dwarf friend” shining in the night he had to remind himself that all luxuries would have to be forfeited. Even if all that he called upon did not agree and they left, even if he was alone in this quest, he had to pay back the debt to the wizard. Fili’s life was worth more than anyone else’s in his mind, besides Kili. They were his two most precious treasures, he would pay anything for them, even if that payment was his own life.

He heard the cheery merriment coming from inside the smial. He sat on a bench, stuffing his pipe as he listened to everyone inside. He would give them this time, it was the least he could do before imposing upon them impossible dangers. He would have to make an excuse as to why he was late, no one would believe that he was a soft hearted individual that wanted the men of his company to enjoy themselves even if it was only for a brief moment.

Once he had finished his pipe he tapped out the embers and ground them with his heel, making sure the sparks were out. He tucked his pipe away, and came up to the door and found the bell gone. From the looks of it, it had been torn off… possibly from so many dwarves ringing it in excitement. So, he raised his hand and knocked as he always had. The well built hobbit hole seemed to make the knock louder than it was, which quieted everyone down. He waited patiently before the door opened showing Gandalf. 

“Gandalf.” Thorin said in greeting. “I thought you said this place would be easy to find. I lost my way, twice. I would not have found it at all if not for the mark on the door.”

He knew it was a lie, Gandalf knew as well. A twinkle was in the wizards eye showing he knew more than he was letting on and had understood. Thorin gave Dori and Nori a nod as they bowed their heads respectfully. His fingers unclasping his cloak in a well practiced movement. All the dwarves were gathered together and his eyes searched until they fell upon Fili and Kili. He smiled softly, glad to know that they had arrived unharmed. He had been reluctant in letting them go on their own, but with his meetings keeping him in Ered Luin and much reassurance from Nori and Dwalin that Fili and Kili were better fighters than he gave them credit for, he let them be on their way.

Thorin threw the cloak over his arm and felt a terrible shiver run down his back. It was cold as ice, hollowing out his heart and stealing his breath away. 

“Mark? What mark? There is no mark, I had that door painted a week ago.”

Thorin’s throat felt dry as his heart sped up pace, hammering faster and faster as he kept his outer shell looking neutral as possible while inside his mind was screaming so loudly that he was certain he was deaf. Gandalf was talking, and he couldn’t make out the words. Kili came up to his side, his ever present smile slipping from his face as Thorin’s back stiffened.

To the archer, he could see something was wrong. He shared a look with Fili who was acting strange as well, his arms wrapped around his stomach in a loose hold, his posture showing anyone who looked to him that he was interested in what was happening. But Kili could tell that something was bothering him, as well as Thorin. He felt Thorin thrust his cloak into Kili’s hands, perhaps a little rougher than he normally would. He clasped the cloak to his chest, taking only one step back, his own way of showing Thorin that he was there for him.

Thorin stared at the hobbit. 

Bilbo Baggins. 

He… bore a remarkable resemblance to Frerin, his hair darker but when Frerin’s hair was in shadow it always was that stunning color that now dawned Bilbo’s head. His eyes, dark as his brother’s like honey kissed chocolates.

“So, this is the hobbit.” Thorin carefully schooled himself, keeping himself in check from anything he may do in the distress that he was currently feeling.

Thorin swallowed, assuring himself that he had misheard before, that Bilbo’s voice was not that of his his beloved. He pressed on, walking a tight circle around the hobbit, looking at how his body had soft curves and not well worked hard muscles.

“Tell me Mr. Baggins, have you done much fighting?”

“Pardon me?” The mumbled response made a lump in Thorin’s throat feel harder than stone.

“Axe or sword? What’s your weapon of choice?”

“Well I do have some skill at conkers.” Bilbo’s voice was a bit sassy, which did nothing to help improve Thorin’s current state of mind. “If you must know. But I fail to see how that is relevant.”

Thorin brushed it off with a joke, and despite himself he smiled at the hobbit the same way he had once smiled at his beloved brother. He caught himself last minute and quickly exited the hallway, desperate to place some distance between them. But as the evening wore on he found himself having the hobbit at his back, unusually close as they discussed the meetings and how this quest was theirs alone. The king could barely keep himself in check when Bilbo’s fingers brushed against his back when looking at the map Gandalf had produced. He was so close that Thorin could smell the soaps he used and something underneath that his heart could not handle.

His mind was a blurred scream of soleful agony. The more the hobbit was beside him the worse it got. Eventually the hobbit fainted and it took everything Thorin had not to punch Bofur, who had antagonized the hobbit, and hiss at anyone who got near Bilbo. He did help Gandalf bring Bilbo to a chair before he left the smial all together. He went to the little bench out front where he had his first pipe of the night. He sat down and dug out his pipe and tobacco. His hands shook so badly that he spilled some of the dried leaves and could barely stuff the bowl. He tried striking a flame to light the pipe but could not. 

A small light caught his eye, causing him to jump when a small flame was offered to him. He looked up to see Fili’s handsome face, his hands around the flame. He let his son light his pipe before he ran a hand over his black hair.

“What has you out here?” He asked softly with an edge in his voice.

“The hobbit.”

“What about the hobbit?”

“He… reminds me of a far off dream.” Fili said softly as he sat down. He threaded his fingers together as he leaned back and looked up at the sky. “His scent is familiar in a way that I do not know and his voice sounds… so familiar.”

Thorin swallowed, of course Fili would not have remembered the time when he had been in the throes of fever, mumbling about Frerin. It unnerved him more that someone else had made the connection and was just as disturbed.

“What are you two doing?” Kili asked coming out of the smial.

“Having a pipe.” Thorin answered smoothly.

Kili closed the door behind him, trotting down the few steps to stand before his lover and uncle. “Then I suppose this is a good, private place to discuss something important.”

“And what would that be?” Thorin asked.

Kili folded his arms, showing he was uncomfortable as he shuffled his feet. “I remember this place… not right away, but little things, I remember. This was where I had to stay when Fili got sick.” He licked his lips, the faded memories still scary to him. The fear of possibly losing the love of his life, though he did not understand that love when he had been so young. 

“What is on your mind?” Fili stood up, his hands coming up and cupping over Kili’s elbows.

“I think… if Bilbo comes, I owe it to his parents to keep him as safe as I can…”

“Kili, we all will be looking after each other. You don’t have to act as if you are shouldering this alone.”

“But I must.” Kili looked to Fili’s eyes, his arms uncurling in favor for running his fingers over the furrs over Fili’s coat. “They took care of me. Ran errands for Thorin to get you medicine, they cooked for us and sheltered us when no other would do any of these things. I owe their memory this much.”

Fili leaned forward, pressing a kiss to Kili’s forehead, his heels coming off of the ground a little to do that task on the taller dwarf. He caressed his lover’s cheek. “Then that will be two of us, looking out for him.”

Thorin sighed. If Bilbo did come then the two did not have to ask if the king would watch out for him. Thorin would have to keep a keen eye on all members of the party. But he did not know if he could cope with having the hobbit so close. If he did, he was certain he would die from his broken heart.


	28. tortured soul

Thorin had tried. He had tried so hard to stay away from Bilbo, to say sharp and hurtful things with double edged words that cut him deeper than it did the hobbit. He was desperate to shield his bleeding heart, but he only turned the reverse. Each night he slept a little closer to Bilbo, every day his biting comments were less only to be replaced with silence. He lost his appetite, lost his desire to argue about elves as he plotted his pony along day after day with the nights proving to be restless as he stared up at the stars and wondering why Mahal would forsake him in such a way. It was the cruelest form of torture. He could feel his mind screaming, hear his heart weeping, and slowly his soul was being crushed under the terrible weight of grief for his One. 

“Udâd.” It was soft, seemed so distant.

He looked up from the spot he had been looking at from his pony’s mane. Fili had come up beside him unnoticed in his absence of mind. His lovely son had not called him Udâd in quite some time, now reserving the term for special occasions when he was either very happy, worried, or very upset.

“What is it, child?” Thorin asked, the words barely falling from his lips. He was so tired; tired of hurting, tired of suffering from having Frerin ripped from him at such an early age, tired of seeing his beloved in that accursed hobbit, of hearing his voice coming from Bilbo’s mouth.

“I think it would be best if we rested.”

“Why would you say this?”

“Please, Udâd. It is not the company that needs rest but you.”

Thorin snorted a reply. He was fine, he could continue on until nightfall. But then a hand slipped over his head, the familiar fingers of his son’s glided over his scalp in a comforting motion. Fili must really be worried, he had not done such a thing for many, many years.

“Please.” He said again. “I have watched you. You rarely sleep and eat, you must rest.”

The king had to bite his tongue to keep a hurtful quip from befalling his son. Fili did not know the depth of Thorin’s turmoil, nor did he know the cause of it. He was only trying to be the good son he always had been.

“Very well.” He grumbled. 

He pulled his pony as Fili turned in his saddle and shouted out, “Spread out! Find a place to rest until tomorrow!”

Gloin had found a nice little clearing, trees shading them from the amounting heat of the summer. Thorin found a spot to unfurl his bedroll, he was in the middle of smoothing it out when two more were unceremoniously slapped down on either side of his. He looked up to Fili and Kili, both not sparing him a glance as they spoke to each other over taking a nap then going for a hunt in the afternoon when the deer would be most active. When he settled down both of the boys pressed up against his sides, Kili stealing his chest for a pillow, Fili commandeering his arm. It was with the familiarity with the children that he had raised that he felt a small amount of peace.

He blinked tiredly, staring up at the blue sky that he could see peering down at him from the tops of the trees. He stroked Kili’s back, Fili’s fingers twined in his, his son’s thumb brushed over his fingertips. He couldn’t help but muse over Frerin. How much he would have loved to help raise Fili and Kili, ride them on his shoulders, tuck them in at night and kiss their sweet brows. He would have been so proud of them and the trials they had to endure. 

He continued to watch the sky even after Fili stopped caressing his fingers and Kili went heavy with sleep. His mind mused with the bitter sweet memories of his true love, keeping him awake in their symphony of chaotic beauty. 

It was getting on in the day when Fili roused. He rolled onto his side and peeked over his father’s stomach like a child, looking at the sweet face of his beloved sleeping, cheek nestled in the soft fur of Thorin’s coat. He arched his arm, like a house cat tempted to bat at something. His fingers twitched before he pulled his hand back and tucked it close to his chest. After a minute or so he reached over again this time swatting at Kili’s hair clip. It wasn’t enough to wake the archer, so he did it again, this time a little harder. Soon as he heard a little moan he tucked his arm back against his chest and pretended to be asleep.

Kili lazily looked around before snuggling back down to try to sleep some more, only to have his clip tugged at again. His hand flew to his clip as he pushed himself up onto his other hand looking around. It was the combination of Thorin’s tired chuckle and Fili’s smiling lips that told him who the culprit was. He shoved at Fili’s shoulder.

“Why can’t you wake me up like a normal person?”

“Little fun if I did that.” Fili smirked as he stretched over Thorin. “Come, we should start our hunt before dusk settles in.” He looked down to his father, heaving a sigh knowing he had not slept once again. “Try to sleep, Udâd, even if it is for only a short amount of time.”

Before Thorin could reply the two were up, gathering rope and weapons to go on their hunt. They had been gone for possibly an hour before Thorin decided to get up and pace about the outskirts of camp. It was either his fifth or even seventh lap when he found himself sitting on a large rock, Bilbo’s voice was a soft chatter that mixed with the songs of birds and the slight rustle of leaves. He started to nod off, eyelids heavy and his mind slowed to a stop.

\-------------------------------

Bilbo had tried to be part of the company, he truly had tried his best to get along with all the dwarves. In fact he had even received a fine number of compliments from Balin, Oin, Fili and Kili that encouraged him. Bofur and Bombur enjoyed teasing him, saying he may have a bit of dwarf in his line as it seemed so easy, so natural to be with them, but each hurtful word from Thorin seemed to cut deeper than any of the healing words that his friends spoke. He didn’t know much about Thorin only from what Fili and Kili boasted about. He raised them, helped make a new life for the dwarves in Ered Luin… the rest was a carefully guarded secret it would seem. He couldn’t understand though, how someone so bitter and callous could have raised such wonderful boys. They were full of chatter, eager to learn about hobbits and loved every story that Bilbo could think of to tell. In fact, he had grown to love the boys like family in the short amount of time they had been together. He found himself chastising them if they went too far from the group, spoiling them with a little extra supper and watching over them as they slept before he tucked himself in at night. There was a strange connection that he didn’t understand, but seeing as it was not harmful, he was fine with not questioning it.

“Why do you suppose he hates me?” Bilbo asked around the fire. Fili and Kili had returned with a small deer and a few rabbits that Nori and Dwalin were currently skinning.

“He doesn’t hate you.” Kili said as he leaned against Fili, their relationship not a secret amongst the company, though the fact they were brothers was one that Thorin carefully guarded as well as a very select few. 

“You hurt him.” Fili mumbled, wrapping an arm around Kili’s waist and pulling him closer to his side.

“Hurt him? How? I have done nothing to slight him, nor any of his kin as you very well know.”

“I don’t know how, but when he looks at you, his heart is in pain. Perhaps if you ask him why.”

“Ask Thorin?! Are you mad, boy? He would sooner thrash me upon the rocks then speak to me as an equal.”

Ori laughed. “He may look scary but he is an honest man and kind. I’ve known him all my life. Try to speak with him, you may be surprised.”

The hobbit looked over his shoulder to where he had last seen their leader when the sun had still been up. Perhaps they were right… he should talk to Thorin, at least see if there was a legitimate reason for the dwarf to hate him.

When supper was ready he was encouraged by the others to fetch Thorin and to take his time about it. There was no hurry to get to sleep and rush off at first light, so it was the perfect time for him to talk to the dwarven king. 

It took him some time but eventually he found Thorin, slumped against a rock, hugging himself as a way of protecting even in his sleep. He looked… so tired, handsome, but worn out. Bilbo rested down on his knees, his hand hesitating before he reached up to brush some of the black and silver hair out of the dwarf’s face. He tucked it behind an ear, his fingertip sliding over the shell. There was something familiar about the action. 

He blinked in confusion. He didn’t understand why it was familiar, nor the scrape of rough whiskers against his palm as he dragged his hand over Thorin’s jaw. He had to consciously stop himself from running the pad of his thumb over open lips. Pulling away as if stung by a bee, he quickly shot up to his feet. His heart hammered in his ears and his face burned. 

What had he just been doing?!

Going in to take advantage of a sleeping dwarf who was so tired he still had bags under his eyes as he slept, that was what he was doing! How deplorable! He shuffled his feet away a few steps, back then away before he blurted out. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Thorin groaned, having woken up from the sound of shuffling feet.

“F-fooorrr, having to wake you.” Bilbo blundered over his words. “It is supper time and you obviously need the rest, but you haven’t been eating much either. So I am sorry to have to wake you so you may eat. Perhaps you can go back to sleep afterwards. Nothing quite soothes like a belly full of warm stew. And I am rambling now because I was about to do something that I shouldn’t have and I’m sorry for that too but you drive me insane with your constant pushing and hurtful words while also saying I’m valuable to the company-”

“You are.” Thorin stated simply as he got up to his feet. He dusted himself off as Bilbo just stood staring.

“I… I’m sorry?”

“You are valuable to this company and to this quest.”

“Th-then why do you… say things about how I don’t belong?”

Thorin looked to Bilbo, his eyes were so sad, his very soul riddled with agony. He stepped up to the hobbit, their gazes locked.

“He was right.” Bilbo’s voice was a whisper.

“Who was?”

“Fili…” Small hands came up clutching at the lapels of his jacket, trying hard not to reach out and stroke the face only inches away from his. He couldn’t help it, he tilted his head, eyes falling down to lips that he some how knew, just knew, would give him the kisses he had always wanted to experience in his life. “He said you feel pain when...when you look at me… ...Why?”

“Do not speak to me again.” Thorin’s breath washed over Bilbo’s lips, his voice was so soft and pleading. He did not have to say it, the hobbit felt what Thorin had left unsaid, “-for I cannot bear it.”

Somehow those words hurt worse than any insult he could have ever heard. Then Thorin was pulling away, he was turning around and the blood was draining from Bilbo’s face. His legs shook and his eyes stung. His hand shot out on its own accord, fingers clutching into thick material.

“No!” It left him before he could even think. Why did he do that? Why?

“Master Baggins, let go of me.” Thorin wasn’t willing to turn around.

“No.” Bilbo breathed.

“Why must you do this?!” The king whirled around on Bilbo. The hobbit flinched, letting go of his sleeve. “All I ask if for you to leave me be! ...leave me be…”

With a quick movement Thorin was walking away leaving Bilbo in the dark of the night.


	29. little pieces

Bilbo didn’t have much as he had hastily packed and barely had the mind to stuff his pack with clothing and a sewing kit as well as a knife and a spoon, as it was he had packed away one thing that he could not part with. It had been there upon his birth, it had been laid beside him in his crib as he would cry until he saw the familiar shine of jewels fixed upon leather. When he was a little hobbit and he would scrape his knee or was spanked for being bad or had been teased by the other fauntlings he would always find comfort in the gift his mother had given to him. Running his fingers over the complicated patterns, the gentle bumps of the gems and jewels in the soft leather, it gave him a sense of nostalgia, a peace of mind, and a comfort he never cared to question.

After what Thorin said to him his heart hurt. It was an intense pain, one he had only felt when his parents had died and he was left alone in the world. He sought comfort in his item, stroking the spine, thumbing over the old leather as his pony plotted along. He had not slept well the prior night, kept awake from a broken heart that he wasn’t entirely certain as to why it was even broken. It was not as if he had thoughts about Thorin. He didn’t dream of his strong arms hugging him tight, he didn’t dwell on thoughts of how Thorin would sound while laughing, or to see that wonderful smile again. That all came crashing into after Thorin told him to keep his distance. It was as if memories of someone else were slamming into him, beating like heavy waves upon a rocky shore. 

“Bilbo?”

The hobbit sniffed, his bottom lip threatening to tremble if he opened his mouth. He quickly wiped at his face, knowing he had tears pearling down his cheeks. He took a deep breath before forcing a smile and turning to Kili.

“Yes?”

Kili frowned. “What happened last night?”

“Nothing to worry about, my boy.” Bilbo felt a surge of pride that he was able to keep himself in check. “But it would seem I am destined to be the foot of disdain for your uncle.” 

Kili moved his pony closer. He leaned forward trying to see Bilbo’s face better. “You cried last night…”

“I-I am sorry if I had woken you.”

“You didn’t. Fili slept beside Thorin last night. It’s hard for me to sleep without him beside me, you were quite quiet, but I know the sounds of a broken heart when I hear one. What did he say to you?”

“N-nothing inappropriate, to be honest.” Bilbo sniffled again. His palm coming up to wipe at fresh tears. “Goodness me… I-I ca-can’t seem to stop and I do not even know why. It-It’s not as if I had known him before this. We haven’t even spent time with each other and yet… yet I feel as if my world is falling apart.” 

_”All I ask is for you to leave me be!”_

Bilbo clutched his precious book to his chest, as he covered his treturous eyes. Kili’s large palm went to his back, stroking gently. Bilbo let out a loud sob. “I-I have no right for it to hurt so much! I do not know him, I do not own his happiness nor his grief, but I feel as if I will perish if he does not look to me again.” 

“Look to you?” Kili asked softly. That was certainly an odd thing to say, but what was more troubling was the passion behind the words; a lover in grief. He wanted to think upon it, ask questions and ponder as to strange pulling in the back of his mind that was slowly stirring. But Bilbo needed comfort, not questions. So instead he decided to change the subject. “Bilbo… what’s that you are clutching?”

“Th-this?” The hobbit wiped at his face again, then rubbed his wet palm against his pant leg. He took several deep breaths, his hands were shaking and all he wanted to do was collapse once more into fits of tears, but Kili was trying to help him and he welcomed the distraction from the burning hole in his heart. Bilbo took his book and held it away from his body enough for Kili to see. “M-my mother gave it to-to me.”

“Very peculiar.” Kili tilted his head in interest. The book was ornate, very much unlike anything Bilbo had in his simple, humble, items. “May I see it?”

“I-I would rather not… I do-don’t like others touching it… it’s a silly thing, I know, but-”

“I understand.” Kili cut him off. “Could you turn it about so I can see it better?”

Bilbo did as instructed. Kili’s keen eyes taking in all the different details. It was decorated with gems and jewels that wove into knot patterns that were of style he was unfamiliar with. It was distinctly dwarvish but distinctly not at the same time. The leather was old and tattered, but by the shine, Bilbo had been keeping care of it the best he could. 

“What kind of book is it?” He whispered out before he realized he even said anything.

“W-well, I don’t know.” Bilbo confessed. He opened it up to a random page showing the strange writing. It was straight, jagged, but also held a loopy flow. “I-I have never seen anything like it before, at first I thought it was elvish but the books I had gathered upon their language it is not elvish. I thought for a bit it was some dialect of man but none match… The only other language I can think of is dwarvish.”

“That- is not- dwarvish.” Kili’s eyes grew wide as he leaned a little back, eyes still on the writing. “Perhaps you should ask Ori. He’s the scribe. If he cannot help identify the language perhaps the two of you could decipher it.”

“Do… Do you think that is possible?”

“It will give you something to do.” Kili encouraged.

\-------------------------------------------

Fili had remained by Thorin’s side at night, he did not sleep as he had held his father against his chest, they looked as if they were slumbering but in truth the son was trying hard to lend comfort to his father. Whatever had happened between Bilbo and Thorin it had left a fissure in Thorin’s heart. He was worse than before. Instead of picking at his food he forwent it completely, now he only sipped at his water. 

“Why does he hurt you?” Fili asked, the ponies starting to slow in hopes for a midday break.

“Do not ask questions you do not want the answer of.” Thorin grumbled.

“I do want to know the answer.” Fili said softly. “What had he done to wound you?”

“It’s not what he has done, it is what he is!” Thorin snapped.

“I knew you were friends with his parents, but I did not think their passing would affect you so.”

“Belladonna and Bungo Baggins were good hobbits but no, that is not the reason for my pain.”

“Then what is?”

Thorin sighed, his shoulders feeling the heaviest they had ever felt in his life. He knew Fili and he would not let this go until he had a satisfactory answer. “Have you not wondered why I had blessed your union with your brother?”

Fili simply shook his head. He never had, he would have questioned it more if Thorin had said he could not have been with Kili.

“It is because I know what it feels to have your One be your brother.” He said in a pained whisper.

“Uncle… Frerin?” He had only heard the name a select few times in his life and it still felt strange to say it.

Thorin slowly nodded. “Yes.”

The blond swallowed, he now knew he was treading upon thin ice. He had to think of how to word this without bringing forth the pain and ire that followed. He couldn’t even fathom living a life without Kili, yet Thorin had lived this long without his One. He licked his lips as he found that this conversation was a sacred place, a walled up secret garden that Thorin had nurtured and only he was truly allowed in.

“What… was he like?”

The look Fili got broke his heart. Thorin smiled, actually smiled with a shine to his eyes from the physical agony that the sadness brought. And Fili felt terrible for it, but delighted that it seemed that his father had been only waiting for him to ask as it was too hard to bring up on his own.

“Blond, like you. Kind hearted, much too kind hearted…” He cleared his throat as he remembered the abuse his beloved had to endure. “He… He was very smart, talented with the bow, much like Kili. He had this book no one could read but him.” Thorin smiled a little at the memory. “He would sit in the sunlight, reading it after a bath, his hair would curl in these perfect ringlets that he hated and… in the dark…” Thorin heaved a heavy breath, tilting his head back as he looked up at the sky where clouds started to gather. He licked his lips as he came to the point where he knew he would have to confess to his son the most painful part of this whole situation. 

“Udâd?”

“I ca-cannot look at him, my son… Master Baggins holds too many similarities to him.”

Fili twisted on his pony, looking back over the line of heads to where Kili was riding beside Bilbo. Bilbo seemed to be showing Kili something.

“In what ways?”

“Please- son, I can’t. Not now.” Thorin hung his head.

The prince reached over, taking Thorin’s hand into his own. Squeezing until blue eyes, much like his own, looked up to his face. “Frerin is my father too. I would like to know more about him.”


	30. Chapter 30

_It was dark._

_He was warm though. Feeling large hands caress him, hold him safely as they moved of him. Thumbs pushed, fingers fanned, it felt nice as he was worked on. Pushing, then pulling, the two hands had to belong to an expert craftsmen, as he slowly came to the awareness that he was being given form. It felt strange, to have the pull of energy from the hands, pooling into him trying to spark him into being._

_“Come little one.” The voice was deep and thunderous. It scared him._

_He curled up into himself, holding tight to the darkness. He wanted to stay like that, where everything was shadow and warmth. But the hands continued to work, continued to urge him to unfurl._

_“Come out, don’t you want to see your mate?”_

_Mate?_

_He uncurled a little, letting the hands work over him, pulling him a bit further from the darkness and towards that voice._

_“The twin to your pair…” He was be fixed somewhere, high, very high. “Your other half.”_

_Everything pushed forward in a sudden rush and he was waking up. He blinked, huge hands, almost as big as himself kept him steady. He blinked a few more times. The light was so much different from the darkness, but it was warm… very warm. It reached out, caressing with exploratory touches. It ghosted over him, seeking to understand him, investigate and learn what he was. He leaned into it, reaching out and touching back, it felt so wonderful, so perfect. This light, this warmth, it was his. He pushed back and explored himself. The light older than him, but not by much, still young and vibrant. He touched and caressed, getting bright and filling with warmth. This was the one he was supposed to be with. This was the mate that was spoken of. His other half._

_He could see a smiling face, heavy with a dark beard. “There you are. Hello, little one.”_

Fili looked down to Kili. His lover cuddled up to his side, moving and snuggling his face against the fur on Fili’s coat. He smiled softly, running fingers through dark hair.

“You love him very much.” Bilbo whispered from her perch on a log next to the fire.

The blond looked up, seeing the hobbit who had been trying to combat sadness for the past several days. He had bags under his eyes, his honey brown hair was going straight and more than once he had heard the soft sounds of crying while the hobbit slept.

The hobbit had kept away from Thorin for a good amount of time, trying to busy himself with something, anything to get himself to be distracted as to not think of the dwarf. He had spent a lot of time with Kili, looking over a book that the two would hold in secret, hiding it when anyone came close. The only one they let close to them when the book was out was Ori who seem to have been sworn to secrecy to what they were doing. But as long as it helped Bilbo and brought Kili joy, Fili did not mind. Still, it did not seem enough. The hobbit spent the nights in a haunted limbo, left alone in the darkness of his thoughts.

“I do.” Fili replied.

“How long have you been together?”

“Since I can remember.” Fili caressed Kili’s cheek, moving ever so gently out from under his love. Kili made a protesting sound and made a grab for Fili who slipped his pack into Kili’s hands, which he snuggled into, burying his nose into the familiar scent of Fili and leather.

The prince smiled and moved away, taking a seat next to Bilbo. 

“I didn’t mean to take you from him.” Bilbo said in a whisper.

“It will be my shift soon, besides, I enjoy spending time with you.”

“...” Bilbo looked away from Fili and to the fire. “You have been… spending a lot of time with Thorin. Has he… um… he seems to have a lot to say to you and no one else.”

“I was asking him about my father.”

“I… but Ori and Kili said that he was your father.”

“My other father.”

Bilbo tilted his head. “Other father?”

Fili scratched at an itch in his beard, trying to hold back a yawn and failing. His mouth split, a loud sound coming from him that seemed not to disturb anyone else. He cleared his throat a little as he started to properly wake. “Yes, it may seem odd to you since there is almost an equal portion of males and females of hobbits, but dwarves only have one third of their population being women. It is not uncommon for two men to have a relationship, like Kili and I.”

“Well… what do you do when you wish to have children?”

“We can seek out a woman to hold our seed, bear our children and we raise them as our own while she returns to hers.”

Bilbo’s nose twisted up a littled. Something twisted inside of him, a flare of jealousy that he didn’t understand. The idea of Thorin being with someone else, it didn’t sit well with him. But he had no claim to the dwarf, he was not his, even if there was a part of him that hissed in disagreement.

“So… so who was your other father?” Bilbo tried hard not to sound spiteful. Yet that spite only seemed to turn into venom when Fili looked at him with a bright and proud smile. He had to clear his own throat while mentally reprimanding himself that he had no right to be upset that Fili liked this other man. Fili was not his child. Fili had been raised almost purely by Thorin, at least, that’s what he had heard from Kili.

“Frerin.” He said the name almost reverently. “He was a great dwarf with the kindest heart and the strongest will.” He started to get animated, moving his hands around as he spoke, voice getting louder and louder before he realized he was about to wake someone and his voice would die back down to a whisper. “He was a genius as well. Singlehandedly taught himself forgotten languages, he taught himself how to use the bow while even Kili had to have Thorin teach him, and it was Frerin who had taught Thorin! He knew medicine well, and was a great warrior. Thorin had told me that once Gandalf had come and giving Frerin something very special, while the wizard could not decipher it he had. He endured many things, like a great rock in the sea.”

Bilbo picked up a stick and poked the fire, frowning. “He sounds perfect.”

“He was… to a fault.”

“To a fault?”

Fili sighed heavily. “From… what I had heard about the last of his days… he had started to delve into a sort of madness. Obsessing over the gods. It was all he would talk about to Thorin and anyone else he would become deathly quiet. He would spend every morning staring at the sunrise mumbling to himself and stay up very late. …” Fili rubbed his hands over his thighs. He left out the fact that Frerin had stopped calling Thorin by name, addressed him by the name their god. How he would break down and beg Thorin to understand, to join him in his madness. He had dwindled but he was still Thorin’s One. Still his soul mate, so Thorin endured, knowing full well that when the battle at Moria was over something would change and he tried to believe it was for the better… only to be robbed of the one he loved. That had been particularly hard for Thorin to talk about. After small bits and pieces he would sequester himself away for hours away from camp only to turn back looking broken and lost and either no one noticed or they had too much respect for him to say anything.

“...The, um… the gods… I’ve only heard about Yavanna and Aule. But not even much about Aule. Yavanna is the goddess who created we hobbits, or so we’re taught.” Bilbo tried shifting the subject as best as he could to something more comfortable for both of them. “I had heard a very old story once. That Aule had made two lamps-”

“Shh!” Fili bit out, a small sound cutting through the air. It sounded like a whimper.

“Fili, that’s a bit rude.”

Fili waved him off, his nose sniffing the air as the smell of fear started to come to him. It smelled like… Kili? He looked down to his lover, the brunet curled up around Fili’s pack, hands clutching so tight that his knuckles were turning white.

He moved away from Bilbo, kneeling on the ground next to Kili. “Kili. Kili, wake up.”

_Everything was dark again, but this time it was cold. So cold. There was no warmth, no kind voice talking to him. He could barely see. There was a dull light that he held, trying to make it brighter to see what was happening._

_Where was the one that made him? Where… where was his other half?!_

Kili was starting to thrash, kicking his legs and hitting his head against the ground. 

“Kili! Kili, you have to wake up!” Fili shouted as he shook the archer’s shoulders.

_Fear and panic ripped at his very core, at a terrible sound. A thick thunking sound like an axe trying to chop through ice. The scrape of metal before it hit again and again._

_He’s screaming! Screaming for the axe to stop! Trying to reach forward to help but he can’t, he can’t reach!_

“Thorin!!” Bilbo was shouting, a fist came flying up, hitting him across the eye. He tried to grab Kili’s wrist while Fili sat on top of the dwarf’s waist to keep still.

Thorin woke to the sounds of struggle, only to feel his blood run cold from the scream that ripped from Kili’s throat. He had heard that sound before, only once before. It had come from himself, when he had seen Frerin laying cold as clay amongst the bodies of the dead.

He shot up from where he had been sleeping, hand grabbing the hilt of Deathless, expecting to hear battle cries and be greeted with an attack by orcs.

“Hold him down!” Oin was shouting, struggling to get up from his bed roll.

“I’m trying!” Bilbo shouted back, finally catching a fist and being flung into his side.

Fili grabbed the wrist from Bilbo, barely able to contain the one he already was holding.

_A massive black creature was hacking away, hunched over as it swung something, making that sickening sound. Finally something gave and he froze at the wet sound. He felt his heart stop. The black creature slowly turning around, large eyes, round as disks looked at him. So devoid of life, devoid of feeling, just like the one he killed._

There was a sharp pain, sharp and fast forcing his eyes awake. Kili lay on his back, body drenched with sweat, eyes wide as his mind came to a sudden halt. Fili was straddling him, his hands clutching Kili’s wrists. He looked terrified. Thorin was beside him, leaning over, his hand poised ready to come down once more in another slap.

He blinked several times before he realized that his breathing was labored and his heart hammered against his chest like a smith against an anvil. The whole of his body was tense making it so he had to force himself to relax. He felt an ache in his joints as he did, telling him that he had been like this for a while.

“Are… are you with us?” Fili asked tentatively as if afraid something would happen.

Kili didn’t know what to say so he nodded, before wincing and hissing from a sudden jolt of pain piercing his skull. “Wha-” his throat hurt and his voice was scratchy. “fuck… my head hurts.”

“I… I would suspect so.” Bilbo said, just as skittish sounding as Fili.

Kili narrowed his eyes a little in confusion. Now that he gave himself some time he could see that the whole of the company was gathered around.

“You gave us quite the fright.” Bilbo was still the only one to willingly talk. Thorin just looked worried and Fili looked as terrified as when Kili first woke up, everyone else was a mixture of concern and worry. “You woke the whole camp, screaming like you did... thrashing about…”

“Thrashing?” Kili tried moving. “Fili, off. I need to sit up.”

“A-aye.” Fili slowly slipped off of Kili, sitting beside him. He put a hand under Kili, helping him to sit up and supporting his weight when he nearly fell back again from a crashing wave of dizziness and nausea. “Careful! …careful.”

“Oin!” Thorin barked.

The doctor made a motion towards the fire. “Bring him over so I can have a proper look.”

Thorin and Kili moved him closer, Oin ran his fingers over Kili’s head, poking at some bumps from where he had hit his head gaining a few hisses. “What were you dreaming about?”

“Dreaming?” Kili asked as his neck was looked over for signs of swelling from whiplash.

“No one could wake you.” Fili said softly. “You were having a night terror.”

“I don’t remember dreaming of anything… only-” Oin was moving back his eyelids, leaning in close and looking. The closeness of the eye triggered something, only part of what he had dreamed, of a dark creature with disk like eyes.

He screamed, shoving Oin back as hard as he could. He recoiled as the old dwarf collided with dirt and log. He kicked and shoved, arms going around Fili as he scrambled, dragging Fili with him several feet.

“Kili! KILI!!” Fili was yanking on him, trying to get him to stop. 

“No! NO! NO!!”

Thorin shot forward, grabbing Kili’s coat and pulling him down. He wrapped his arms around the startled archer, holding him tight while the brunet fought for freedom. Fili grabbed onto Thorin’s coat, pressing his chest against his father’s arms and Kili’s back helping to pin the youngest of their family.

“Shh, shh.” He winced when Kili’s head smacked into his chin. “Kili, shh.”

Eventually he stopped moving, only making small, terrified whimpers. And all he could see was a big, black creature with lifeless eyes.


	31. Gone the stars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, thank you to everyone who has commented and I haven't replied to. I'm sorry I haven't, but I really do appreciate every single one! They spur me on to continue writing so please do continue!
> 
> Second, I'm sorry that this part of the story is getting a bit confusing. It's meant to be. Eventually it'll all straighten out and will be explained.

Kili was not normal after that night. Something had changed in him that worried everyone and settled a deep fear within Fili and an equal pain within Thorin. Fili watched Kili hunch in the dark at night under a bush or up a tree several feet away from camp, hood up and clock surrounding him as he held still, concealing himself from eyes. He would take a few arrows out of his quiver, resting them between his fingers as to not make any sudden movement to remove an arrow when he was ready to shoot. During the day he would allow himself to sleep only if he rode on the same pony as Fili which was only for a short amount of time.

It was close to noon one day when the elders of their group gathered together in a tight group arms folded, beards being stroked as they tried to discuss the strange behavior of the young dwarf. 

“I understand he has been through a lot, perhaps it finally chased him down.” Balin said in a whisper.

“No, he’s stronger than that, we all know it.” Dori adjusted his folded arms. “But perhaps it is something else.”

“What do you mean?”

“The lad is very good at keeping secrets, perhaps one is coming back to haunt him.”

“All well and good but the lad is displaying things I have only seen in dwarves and men after a great battle.” Oin spoke up.

“Or…” Dwalin cut himself off. He didn’t like to talk about it.

“Now is not the time to withhold theories.” Thorin tried hard not to snap at one of his oldest friends.

Dwalin looked to Thorin, sad and remorseful. “You won’t like hearin’ it.”

Thorin did hiss this time. “I don’t like any of this situation.”

The warrior ran a hand over his bald head as he tried to think of how to soften the blow of his words. He had seen this behavior before, only in a few dwarves before, even then it was short lived in all except one. Because that one decided to live and not throw himself into the fires of battle to end his life.

“I’ve seen this before.” He said softly, looking to Balin. “I’m surprised you don’t remember it.”

Balin looked away from his brother. He had recognized it, but had hoped that it was only his own imaginings. He had kept quiet because if it was only his own mind then he could brush it to the side and not have to think about it.

“Stop beating around the bush.” Dori barked. “Out with it.”

“When a dwarf lost their one. They act as if they are upon the edge of a blade, waiting for the opportunity to leap into battle so they may end themselves in an honorable way.”

“No.” Thorin shook his head not willing to accept it. “Fili is here, Fili is his one, we all know this.”

“Then the only other cause would be the madness.” Balin said softly.

“No!” The king was not willing to accept that either. “It will not touch him! He is only frightened to be on such a quest.”

“Thorin, he has experienced more than his age! He has lived through much and since Fili is still here the only other explanation is the madness that runs in the line of Durin.”

“No, no.” Thorin shook his head.

“Yes, yes.” Balin pushed, speaking over Thorin. “It had infected your grandfather, your mother, your sister, even Frerin in his last days.”

Thorin suddenly surged forward, grabbing Balin’s tunic, he shook the white haired dwarf as his nostrils flared. “Frerin was not mad.”

It was the hard grip of Dori and Dwalin that made him let go of the scholar. He didn’t spare them another look before pivoting on his heel and storming away. He had known that they had a touch of truth behind their words but deep down in his heart he knew his lover was not mad. Frerin had so much happening that his mind was giving him relief by associating it all with the gods. He never tried to kill his family, he never tried to harm anyone outside of battle. Before battle he had to brace himself, deal with the fact he would take away lives and afterwards he would be so sad that it would take Thorin time to get to see him smile again. Frerin had the gentlest soul and he deserved more respect than to be accused of madness!

He stomped past Fili who was unloading gathered wood next to the fire that Bilbo had built.

“Is everything alright?” Bilbo asked. “Thorin?”

He was fully ignored as the dwarf went off towards Kili who was sitting on a log outside of the camp. The youth had his pipe and was cleaning it out with the tip of his peasant knife. A strange melody was humming on his lips as he tried hard not to tremble and give recognition to the cold that had settled into his bones since the dream of the black creature. He started to remember more of the dream though it didn’t make sense to him, none of it did. Since that dream his mind had been a great storm, churning inside of him, tossing him about in confusion and fear. It was difficult to keep it at bay to remind himself that Fili was well, that he was there next to him even though he felt the biting cold of loneliness. Feeling all the world as if his whole family had been murdered before his eyes and left him in a pool of their cooling blood.

There was a heavy weight that flopped onto the log next to him causing it to rock a little. He looked over to whom had joined him finding Thorin. He stopped in cleaning his pipe looking into eyes that looked just as tired as his own.

“You should sleep tonight.” Kili said softly, going back to cleaning his pipe.

“I should say the same to you.” Thorin growled.

“I take it that you’re under stress again.” He wiped the blade of his knife on the bark of the log, scraping off the resin.

“Kili…” He sighed letting the anger drain from him as he leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, eyes scanning the horizon. “What ever has troubled you… you can tell me.”

“Nothing is troubling me.”

“You are good at lying my lad, but mostly in tongue, your actions show something else. And I will not leave until you tell me.”

A flash of the black creature crossed his mind, causing his hands to tremble. He felt his throat constrict, making it hard to swallow. He dug the point of his knife into the log, digging it in as he gave a shrug instead of words.

“...Fili and I are worried…” He confessed.

“I’m fine.”

“You are not!” Thorin’s fingers fanned out as he yelled, his hands trembling. “You act as if Fili has died, yet he is beside you every day!”

“I know!!” Kili yelled as he got up to his feet. He turned to Thorin a hand coming to his chest as he yelled back, temper flared from his own fears. “Do you not think that I feel his warmth in my breast?! Do you not see how I keep watch each night at better vantage points to make sure that we are safe from that creature?!”

“What creature?”

“The-the creature!!” Kili pulled a little at his hair. “Black with lifeless white eyes! It chops and chips and batters and breaks!! And I will not allow it to take him from from me again!”

“Again?”

Kili’s mind was whirling around him, battering against the walls of his skull like a great storm. He didn’t know what he was saying, all his words bringing to light his dream only intensified the cold inside of him. It made the storm so much worse and he was alone. So alone! He was the last to go and he was so scared.

He clutched at his head as he started to scream, all he could hear was wind. Feel it against his skin as darkness flooded him. Everything was gone! There were no lights in the heavens, everything hushing for that accursed wind!

When Kili started to scream Thorin shot up to his feet. He grabbed hold of his nephew’s shoulders, trying to shout over the piercing wail. Kili swayed on his feet, knees buckling as he collapsed onto the ground, the king going with him.

“Kili! Kili look at me!!” He tried to take a hold of Kili’s face to get him to look. 

“Don’t leave me! Don’t leave me!!! DON’T LEAVE ME!!” Kili screamed over and over again as images shot through his mind. 

A woman with the longest honey spun hair that was braided and filled with flowers laid on the ground. The dark bearded man from before, he was hunched over her, tears in his eyes as he held her cold hand to his chest. 

The black creature took something sharp and hacked away at the light, his mate! The man and the woman were gone, no longer on the ground. It was hacking and hacking, butchering his beloved!

Suddenly everything was quiet, only wind and he was alone, alone with that terrifying creature as it moved towards him. He tried moving away from it, but he couldn’t he was fixed into place. He couldn’t move!!

When Kili started to scream Fili dropped everything, he ran as fast as he could to where Thorin was desperately trying to keep the archer from pulling chunks of his hair out.

“What did you do?!” Fili shouted as he tried to pry Kili’s fingers open to release dark locks of hair.

“Later!” Thorin snapped as he struggled with the surprising strength.

Fili managed to get Kili’s hands to release his own hair. He grabbed Kili’s face trying to be heard over the screams. “Kili!!! Kili!!”

It wasn’t working. He pulled back his hand and slapped Kili’s cheek as Thorin had done several nights ago to no result. A strange idea came to his mind, he shrugged off his coat and started to take off his tunic.

“What are you doing?”

“The only thing I can think of!” Fili snapped. He took off his boots before grabbing Kili and picking him up. “Do not follow.”

Thorin swallowed as he nodded, watching Fili run through the grass towards a crop of trees.

“What is he doing?” Bilbo asked, going to follow.

Thorin grabbed the hobbit’s arm.

“Shouldn’t we follow him to help?”

“No.” Thorin looked around to his company who were visibly shaken. “No one follows until I say.”

 

Kili felt warmth on his face pulling him from his mind. It was the same warmth that had been taken away from him. It was back, so beautiful and warm. He pressed against it, burying his face into the gentle heat while he raised up a leg hooking it around a furry waist.

Furry?

He blinked his eyes open slowly feeling the rough drag of a tongue against his cheek. He took a moment before his mind calmed enough to take in the fact that he was naked, laying on the forest floor with Fili laying ontop of him in his lion form. He allowed the warm comfort of Fili’s tongue pull away the fear that beat in his chest with each lick. He let Fili lick his hair and neck as he wrapped his arms around the thick mane around the lion’s neck. Every once in a while Fili would stop to sniff around his face in into his hair before continuing, checking levels of distress. 

Kili wrinkled his nose in a sniffle as he stroked Fili’s fur. “Good kitty,” he mumbled.

Once he was done licking Fili found a comfortable spot to rest his large head on Kili’s chest. Looking down his nose at the brunet he loved so much, waiting for Kili to talk.

The archer looked up at the blue sky above. The storm in his head was calming, but the cold was still in his bones. He was only thankful that the endless loneliness was gone.

“...I think I’m going mad… like mama…”

He felt the shift of bone and muscle, fur changing to hair and skin. Fili leaned over Kili, looking down at him. 

“You are nothing like her.”

Kili’s bottom lip quivered as he reached up and gripped Fili’s neck. “I’m a killer like her.”

“No, no, no.” Fili sat back onto his legs, pulling Kili up onto his lap. He adjusted his legs while Kili wrapped around him. He rubbed a large hand over the brunet’s back. “You never killed an innocent. You were protecting your family, it’s not the same.”

Kili pushed his face into Fili’s neck, trembling. “I don’t want to go mad.”

“You’re not mad, my raven. You never will be.”

Kili held onto Fili tighter. “Kelvar.”

Fili’s eyes fixed on the trees surrounding them, brow knitted together in confusion and worry. He continued to comfort his lover with gentle caresses, holding him close. Did Kili just call him by another name?


	32. Chapter 32

Fili and Kili’s return harled a discomfort of worry. Dwarves shifted, eyes flickering over to the lovers that remained closer than usual. Some seemed afraid to approach, as if they would set Kili into another fit. Others remained quiet for the sake of giving needed space to the distressed princes. Thorin remained away from the main group, having disappeared at some point and Bilbo fussed around. He would come up to them ask if everything was alright then walk off before an answer could be given only to repeat this over and over again.

Eventually Kili fell asleep a little before dusk, tired out from the mental strain that he had put himself through. Fili tucked his cloak around dearest, resting the hood over his face so that dying daylight and fire light could not wake him. He knew Kili was sensitive to light change and would wake up quickly to this. It held the added benefit of keeping his scent close to ease his lover’s sleeping mind.

Once Kili was in a heavy sleep the company fell into some semblance of normalcy. They did keep themselves quiet for the younger, grouping together in a tighter knit so they could be heard in hushed tones.

“What happened lad?” Gloin asked.

Fili shook his head. “I’m not sure.”

“Will he be alright?” Ori asked, pulling at the knit of his gloves.

“I believe he will.” He looked to each dwarf, “But only if we do not repeat today. He was scared and needed comfort that only came from one that was not even a dwarf. I thank you for that, Bilbo.”

The others shifted, grumbling. The hobbit stammered, “I-I hardly did much, I left each time before you could answer.”

“Yet you did ask, and you did show concern. All the same, thank you.” Fili adjusted his feet, spreading them out as he rested an elbow on his knee. He rubbed at his face feeling drained from the day’s events. “Nori, I do have a question for you.”

The thief raised a brow. “I don’t think I can help much in this situation, lad. I was his mentor, yeah, but I can’t tell you why he is the way he is now.”

“No,” Fili raised a hand to dismiss that. “Not that, do you know who Kelvar is?”

“Kelvar?” Nori frowned. He looked at the ground, his eyes darting around as if trying to catch a thought. He went through all the different names of every contact he had introduced Kili to only to come up with nothing. He rolled over to the idea that it may be a code name or even the possibility of a code word.

He shook his head, “Sorry lad, I don’t know.”

“I -uh- I don’t mean to interrupt but I do know of a Kelvar.”

All eyes turned to the hobbit.

“Who is he then?” Dori asked harshly.

“Not a who but more of a what.”

Fili narrowed his eyes in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“It, well, it’s odd to say the least because I’ve never heard of dwarves speaking of it. I thought you were not versed in elven mythology.” Bilbo took hold of the lapels of his jacket. He cleared his throat. “That is, I don’t mean to sound as if I’m insulting you, as I know from my experience from all of you that the relations between elven kind and dwarven kin are strenuous at best. And I personally only know some of this from old books I had acquired from travelling markets and my Took side of the family.”

The golden prince patiently waited for the halfling to continue as the others grumbled, getting restless in the babblings of the hobbit.. They clearly had no experience in the long lectures that Thorin would like to push out from time to time.

“So this is from elven lore?” Ori piped up.

“Oh, yes, most definitely. It had been difficult to translate but I had managed quite a great deal and was even complimented upon my ability to do so with no formal teaching from my cousin Sigismond Took who had some dealings with elven traders.”

“And what does this lore say?” Fili asked softly. His stomach feeling heavy, something about this told him that it did not bode well for them.

“It’s a bit obscure, some text say that Kelvar is a god of sorts that represents animals, others say he is the animals.”

Fili shifted in his seat, that didn’t make sense. Kili never called him a beast or an animal. He only called him “kitty” from time to time and that was the extent of it. Why would he start calling him some elven name for a beast?

“What else is there?”

“Nothing. Kelvar was briefly mentioned along with another but neither were ever elaborated upon. No stories of their creation, no stories of their works or deeds. There are speculation that Yavanna, Aule’s wife, had created them but those are only theories.” 

“Mahal’s wife… made them?” Balin asked.

Fili rubbed at his temple as Bilbo continued to talk with the scholar, no new information coming forward.

A brief mentioning of Kelvar… so why would Kili know this name? He was no scholar, he was no scribe. There was little use for his profession to know the name of the gods of other races and if he knew them then Nori would know them. He continued to wonder over it, let Bilbo’s words roll in his mind from one end to the other. 

He skipped supper in favor of laying down beside Kili. He pressed his face into dark hair, a new worry settling into him. This one was more instinctual, feeling like a chain around his neck that was slowly getting tighter. He didn’t know where it was coming from, how it was going to make him want to react. He had to wait, listen to it and figure out what was happening. 

\--------------------------------

Thorin sat on a rock, the glimmer of a campfire a speck in the darkness behind him. He looked over the clearing that Fili had carried Kili across earlier that day. His fingers slid over a small trinket, turning it in a lazy circle. The familiar metal piece was only fished out from under his clothing on the rarest of occasions. A few times it had been in his hands when Fili had been with Bog Sickness, now it was between his fingers once more.

He licked his lips, clutching the item as a familiar presence came up beside him. The man slowly sitting down, the old body of a wizard was still old and ached for a soft bed to rest upon. Gandalf was quiet, waiting for the dwarf to make the first move.

The king swallowed, keeping his precious trinket out of sight. “I could watch them from here.” He said. He pointed into the darkness as if Gandalf could see through the shadows to the spot that Fili and Kili had laid. “Fili had a difficult time pinning him in his fit.”

“He had managed rather decently.”

“That he did… he’s a gentle soul… tried his best not to harm Kili.”

“Most skin changers are.”

Thorin shot a glance at the wizard. “You knew?”

“Not many ask me how to teach someone to control such abilities and willing to go into such debt for that knowledge for their own gain.” Gandalf started searching through his side bag for his pipe and tobacco pouch. “Let alone a scared father with a son on death’s door.”

Thorin nodded, it made sense when it was put in such a way.

“May I ask, what does he turn into?”

“A lion.”

Gandalf paused in stuffing his pipe. A lion? Now isn’t that a curious thing. 

“Kili… he would not calm until Fili changed and laid upon him. I think… from their childhood of Fili being a lion for so long there is a base connection that anchors him as… as he…” He swallowed again. His fingers went back to fiddling with the trinket.

“What’s that in your hands?” The wizard tried to change the subject. He was not the closest of friends with the king, but no one should suffer through the fears he was living through. Not without a kind shoulder to lean against and strengthening support.

Thorin lifted the simple knot work necklace for the briefest of moments before he went back to fiddling with it.

Gandalf smiled sadly. He had seen it before, on a golden haired prince back in Erebor. He would leave it be, with how guarded Thorin kept it, it was the only thing of Frerin’s that the dwarf had left. 

“Do…” the dwarf swallowed and cleared his throat, he tried to stay calm and collected, to be a king, but it slipped away showing a father. “Do you believe Kili will recover?”

“I do.” The wizard said perhaps a little too quickly. 

“It is said… that when Mahal makes a Durin he flips a coin before he finishes to see if the madness will be in this one or not.”

Gandalf leaned forward gaining all of Thorin’s attention. His eyes were hard and steady showing he meant every word he spoke. “Thorin Oakenshield, in the brief time I have known you and your family I have come to know a great many things about the line of Durin. Yes a madness runs in your family. Yes it can take shape in many forms. But I have seen much good in your blood. The kindest of creatures, the gentlest of souls, and the fiercest warriors that fight to protect their family. Kili is one such fighter, and he will not fall into the depravity of his ancestors.”


	33. of books and nature

Kili slept without any dreams. He heard someone singing though, a pretty voice that reminded him of his own mother who used to lull him to sleep with an old lullaby. It was one of the few memories that he found any joy in when it came to Dis, but this song… he didn’t know it. It was in a strange tongue that lilted and trilled, soft and cradling like a gentle breeze.

The darkness that held his mind was warm, he felt the ebbing waves of comfort that came from the one he knew was his mate. The gentle heat made him twist around and seek more of it. Without thinking he shoved his hands into Fili’s coat, burying himself into the furs and closer to the body that was always so warm. He purred out a sound of love in his sleep as he pressed his cheek up against Fili’s throat feeling something settle inside him. As if something missing had finally been found, though he did not know why.

It was when he tried to lift his leg and slip it between Fili’s knees that his mind pulled from that loving darkness. He shifted in his sleep trying to do it again but felt his leg not come forward. His mind awakened more as something tightened around his boot, pulling ever so slightly.

He sat up on one elbow, the sudden cold air between their bodies was enough to wake Fili. 

“What is it?” Fili blinked dazedly, seeing the slightest coloration of the sky changing, ushering in the new day. 

Kili huffed, brushing back his bangs as he tried moving his leg again. “My leg’s stuck.”

“Stuck?”

The two sat up fully, Bifur, the last watch of the night made an inquisitive sound. He watched them start to fuss, he got up from the rock he had been sitting on and came over grunting in khuzdul and flicking his fingers in iglishmek. 

“Kili’s foot is stuck in a root.” Fili looked confused as he tried to dig at the dirt under Kili’s boot. He knew for a fact there had not been anything larger than a pinecone when he had swept the spot for their bed rolls. 

Bifur started to help them. It wasn’t until Bombur was waking up to start up breakfast that they managed to free Kili’s foot.

It was a strange incident but nothing noteworthy as the day progressed into more traveling. That was, until it seemed every tree or bush was going out of its way to reach out and hit Kili. He tried taking his pony to the far side of the track, walking directly behind someone, he even tried riding with Fili for a mile only to have branches hitting his shoulder or leg. 

It was getting on his nerves. 

They stopped midday and Kili was desperate to rid himself of the frustrations of the morning. He shared a small kiss with Fili when his lion passed by him. Talked a bit to Thorin and Balin, then sat with the hobbit that was quietly sitting by himself, happy to not be moving after several hours. 

“Mind if I sit with you?” Kili asked.

“Not at all, my dear boy.” Bilbo shifted a little to the side more as an invitation than to make room.

Kili grunted as he plopped down. Feeling a few welts from the plants protest at the movement. The hobbit gave a concerned smile that Kili waved off with a bright one of his own. He knew many of their company were worried. His behavior had been terrible, setting everyone on edge. But last night’s sleep had helped a great deal, though waking was a strange ordeal. 

“Bilbo. Do you think I might be able to see your book again?” He quickly added. “To help distract me. I really don’t want to be left to my own devices right now.”

The halfling’s smile broadened. He turned to his pack and started to dig through it. “I have to say, you had scared me a few times. But I’m very glad that you’re taking the steps to get yourself back in order.” 

Bilbo pulled out his book with a sound of triumph. “Ah! Here we are.” He leaned over conspiratorially to Kili. “Just between you and me, I do quite enjoy your company, especially when you are yourself.”

Kili’s own smile brightened considerably. He nudged Bilbo with his shoulder. “Careful with your flattery there, master hobbit. I am spoken for after all.”

Bilbo’s cheeks reddened as he laughed. “I appreciate your warning!”

The two shared a laugh, feeling lighter in spirit. Bilbo eventually opened his book and as usual Kili leaned against his side, reading over his shoulder. It was an easy conversation that they fell into. Discussing over the written text and what each symbol may mean. Out of respect Kili allowed Bilbo to be the only one to touch the precious item. He would point to certain things and they would talk about it, trying to determine sentence structure and words.

“No, I’m very certain that is ‘the’.” Kili squinted at the writing. Now that he looked at it closer, a few of the words looked more like cirth. He flicked his fingers in a rolling motion as a sign for Bilbo to turn the page. He did it over and over again. Bilbo looked at the dwarf with drawn eyebrows, doing as he was silently told, not sure what was going on. 

Kili frowned, tilting his head to the side as each page turned seemed to change the language. Deeper into the book it turned from that strange tongue into the written dwarven language. Soon the pages were covered in it.

His heart skipped a beat in excitement. Without meaning to he snatched the book from Bilbo’s hands and stuck his nose as close to the pages as he could reading over the words. 

He could read this!

“Hey!! Kili!!” Bilbo grabbed back his book. “That is quite unacceptable!!”

“I’m sorry.” The archer felt a blush of embarrassment creep up his neck. “But I- Bilbo I can read the later passages. I can tell you what it says!”

The hobbit gaped at him. He turned to the book, looking at the area that Kili was reading. The language that same unreadable text. “You figured out how to read this gibberish?”

“It’s not gibberish. It’s Cirth, dwarven written language.”

Bilbo looked back at it. His nose wrinkling up. “No… it’s definitely gibberish.”

“It’s Cirth! The same stuff in Ori’s books!”

“Now, lad, I’ve seen what is in Ori’s books and this is certainly not the same. And I would appreciate it if you would respect my property!”

“No, Bilbo, it’s the same! I’m telling you-”

The two had been squabbling so much that they did not notice that they were attracting the attention of nearly everyone in camp. Fili had been busy with scraping out the dirt from a pony’s hoof when he first heard the raised voices. Thorin had been instructing Gloin and Nori with the saddle care as he helped rub down the pony’s sweaty bodies. He may be king but he was not above manual labor. He mostly used the tasks to keep himself occupied, to keep his mind from wander over to the hobbit and how many similarities there was between him and Thorin’s deceased lover. 

As Bilbo and Kili continued their squabble that turned into a full blown argument the dwarves started to get uncomfortable. A few of them moved away from the two, uncertain about what may happen, after all Kili’s behavior has been stranger than ever.

“No! I’m telling you it’s cirth!! I’m not imagining it or are you calling me mad?!”

“I’m not calling you anything! I just want you to keep your sticky paws to yourself!”

“Sticky paws?!” Kili bristled, feeling as if it was a direct insult to his craftmaster, Nori as well as himself. “How dare you!”

Thorin heaved an inward sigh. He walked up to the squabbling pair, “What’s going on here?”

“Because I dared to touch Bilbo’s book I’m suddenly a thief!” Kili hissed.

“I said no such thing! I only want you to respect my belongings!!” Bilbo shot back.

The king looked up at the sky. Mahal, help him. He already had enough to be stressed over let alone two members of his party acting like small children.

“If you cannot behave like adults then-” Thorin’s words stopped as he felt his skin grow cold. His eyes landing on the book that Bilbo held to his side, trying to keep it as far from Kili as possible as well as keep it as close to himself. 

Kili looked at his pale uncle. His fight with Bilbo forgotten. He had not seen his uncle so struck before. “Thorin, what’s wrong?”

Those jewels, that leather… There was no mistaking it.

“Where did you get that?” Thorin’s voice was barely a whisper, eyes glued to the book.

Bilbo frowned. “My mother gifted it to me when I was born.”

“Lies.”

“I would certainly not lie about this, master dwarf!” Bilbo sniffed indignantly. “She bought it from a traveling merchant that had passed by Swanfleet and came from Bree through the Shire.”

Swanfleet. Only a few days travel from Moria. Where Frerin died, where someone had picked through Thorin’s lover’s things like a volture!! It was not theirs to take, it was not theirs to sell and it was certainly not Bilbo’s to have!

With quick speed and power he snatched the book from the hobbit.

“No!” Bilbo tried to grab it back. “Give it back! It’s mine!”

Thorin placed his forearm against the hobbit’s chest, acting as a sturdy bar as small arms tried to reach for the book that he held away. “This was never yours!” He boomed back. “The merchant had no right to take this from the dead!”

“What?” Kili felt a chill run down his core. The dead?

“Look, I am sorry you feel some entitlement to it but it is mine!”

“It is not yours!” Thorin barked, shoving Bilbo back. The hobbit stumbled and fell onto his butt. “This book belonged to my One! It will never be yours!!!”

Bilbo struggled to get up, Kili coming to his side and helping him to his feet. “Don’t-”

“Silence!!” Thorin shouted in his kingly voice causing everyone to go into a deathly quiet. He pressed the book over his chest, feeling a raw, open pain from seeing something so dear. He struggled to keep himself from lashing out into violence. He fought to keep himself from shaking with the sobs he was feeling deep inside. But he felt a sting from those brown eyes that looked up at him in betrayal and shock. Eyes that were so much like Frerin’s, the voice of that damn hobbit the same as his beloved. Along with the pain, he felt he needed to make some sort of amends with the hobbit. “...This book was never yours to have, master Baggins…” He swallowed. “It was to be mine… and only mine… and…”

Thorin swallowed seeing tears well up in Bilbo’s eyes. He couldn’t see him like that. Too many times had he seen his own brother cry, he could not stand to see Bilbo do the same. 

He turned and walked off, hearing the hurt shouts of the hobbit calling him a beast.


	34. Painful Property

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Kili hugged a distraught Bilbo. He rubbed and patted the shorter man’s back as he felt the weight of the hobbit’s sorrow. He didn’t mean for their argument to escalate to a fight. A fight that brought Thorin in with an unforeseen claim to something so precious to the gentle hearted creature. 

Fili, upon hearing his father’s shout of rage, had abandoned his task and ran straight to his beloved. But by the time he made it Thorin was already gone and all he found was a crying halfling that clung onto Kili’s leather coat. 

“What happened?”

“Thorin Oakenshield is what happened!!” Bilbo howled with distress. “Came into a situation he was not welcome and stole from me!!”

“Shh, shh,” Kili pressed Bilbo’s head to his shoulder and rubbed the man’s curly head.

He looked pleadingly at Fili, eyes darting into the direction that Thorin had disappeared. The two shared a silent conversation, small flickers of the eyes and brows, twitches of lips. Fili then huffed a breath through his nose. He touched Bilbo’s back before briefly dragging his fingers over Kili’s permanent stubble. He then left after his father. 

 

Thorin walked as far away as he could before his pace grew faster and faster. He found himself running, pushing himself as far from others that he could. Branches whipped at his face, bramble tangled in his boots leaving behind sharp barbs of seed pods in the fur. Eventually his legs gave out, his feet stumbling to a stop before he fell to his knees on sharp thistles. The stinging pain from the thistles and his burning lungs were nothing compared to the horrid torture that felt like a thousand deaths inside his soul.

A cold wind battered against his face. The book he held dropped down to the ground. He leaned over it, now on all fours. His fingers curled into painful fists, nails biting into the leather of his gloves. He howled in anguish as he was beaten in the face once more how impossible it was to live without his beloved, Frerin. 

This must be punishment. His One must be angry with him, seething with betrayal with the thoughts that Thorin had of the hobbit. Of how he wanted to touch him, seek out physical comfort with the one being that was so much like Frerin. 

“Forgive me,” he cried as tears forced themselves out of his shut eyes. “Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me.”

He leaned down, pressing his forehead against the book. His own rage at himself, the unfathomable pain ripping at him. He had lived with hit so long. And he finally came to a boiling point.

He screamed, pounding a fist against the ground over and over again as he felt himself shatter. His hand bruised to a dark purple, the skin splitting around the leather from the abuse. His throat burned as it shook with cries of grief.

His pain only lessened when someone came crashing after him. “Udâd!”

Fili dropped to his knees in front of Thorin, panic filling his chest. “Udâd…” he took hold of Thorin’s coat, bending over as he pulled. “What happened?”

Thorin didn’t open his eyes, he could not bear to see golden hair like Frerin’s. He roughly wrapped his arms around Fili’s shoulders. He clung to him tightly as the cold wind began to howl through the trees. 

Fili didn’t know what to do. He held his father, stroked his hair and whispered reassuring words to him, all things that he learned from Thorin himself. 

“Shh, shh, all will be well.” He whispered against black and mithral hair. He pressed his cheek against Thorin’s temple as the king fell into a silent fit of tears, his body still trembling. He rocked them in a gentle sway from side to side as the sky blackened over head. 

He looked up seeing the sun being blotted out. It was so dark now, dark as night. He pulled Thorin along, barely getting him up to his feet. He picked up the book on the ground and found a large fir tree for them to take shelter under as the sky opened up in heavy sheets of rain.

They leaned against the large trunk, Fili kept their contact close as he let his father work through emotions that should have been expressed many years ago. He could smell the intensity of it even with the wind working against him. 

Thorin leaned forward, hair hiding his face as he ran fingers over the book’s cover. His lips twitched as he tried to will his throat to work. When he finally spoke it was a choked, garbled mess that he had to try twice more before he could be understood. “I did not mean to hurt him.”

Fili’s brows drew up in concern as he remained quiet.

“I should-should have never let the hobbit come.” Fresh tears spilled down Thorin’s cheeks.

“...Why do you hate the hobbit so much?” Fili finally spoke up.

Thorin shook his head dismissing Fili’s question. How could he ever explain that he was having impure thoughts about another that was not -who Thorin viewed- to be Fili’s other father? It was unacceptable.

“Frerin loves you.” Fili ventured to use this as to help ease his father’s pain. It resulted in a fresh wave of grief. The prince fell silent, he was only making things worse. He had to wait until Thorin was ready to speak before pushing any farther in his venture for information. 

Eventually Thorin wore himself out from crying. Falling asleep against his son’s shoulder. He had never wanted to show this side of himself to anyone. To break down and be completely helpless. He was supposed to be a strong king that was on a quest to reclaim Erebor, not a simpering, spoiled, noble that did not get his silks that day. 

Fili didn’t mind, it had been a long time coming and he was somewhat glad. Thorin had a hard life and rarely showed how much it was hurting him. Now he knew, and he could help shoulder his father’s pain, be a pillar next to him and let him take a rest. 

He rubbed at Thorin’s arm, resting his cheek against the crown of his his father’s slumbering head as he watched the branches dance from the pelting of rain.

“Why does it always rain when you show your emotions?” He mused in a whisper as he waited for the rain to let up.

It was well into the night when Thorin woke up. He was grateful that Fili didn’t pry nor say anything beyond the suggestion of returning to camp. The king tucked the book into his jerkin, sheltering it from the rain as they walked slowly back. They barely saw the light of the campfire when Kili came rushing out of the shadows. He threw his arms around Fili before looking to Thorin and seeing his sad expression. Any cross words he was about to say about Bilbo’s book or keeping Fili out in such a storm were lost. He eased himself into a hug with his uncle, feeling the rectangular shape of the book press against his chest.

“I’ll distract Bilbo for the rest of the evening.” Kili offered. 

Thorin put his hand on the back of Kili’s head. “Thank you.”

“You will have to explain to us and him at some point.” He said perhaps a little too sharply.

“He knows.” Fili said quickly so Thorin didn’t. “All in good time, love.”

Kili nodded. “Supper is almost ready… I’ll… I’ll have Ori bring it to you.”

Thorin gave a curt nod. He skirted around the edge of the camp to his pack where he grabbed his bedroll and brought it to the feeling of safety that only old friends could provide. Dwalin and Balin were enjoying a quiet smoke before they would lay down for the night, the sound of the rain drumming on the canvas sheet they had fixed over their spot provided for a methodical noise that was easy to sleep too. They exchanged a glance before Dwalin pulled his pipe from his lips. He wiped off the mouth piece and handed it to his friend.

“You alright, laddie?” 

Thorin took in a shuddering sigh before taking the offered pipe. He drew in a long breath of the smoke, held it in before slowly exhaling, letting the weed work on relaxing his body.

“What did Bilbo have that he shouldn’t?” Balin asked in a curious tone tempered with compassion. 

Thorin swallowed the bitter tang of smoke saturated saliva. He saw little reason to hide this from his two oldest friends. Friends that had known Frerin.

He pulled out the book from his jerkin. The two dwarves growing silent as the grave. The firelight flickered over the jewels casting shadow upon the leather. Thorin’s thick fingers ran across the book that has been well preserved for many years. 

“I’m… I’m sorry, laddie.” Balin bowed his head. “I’ll talk to our hobbit in the morn, help him understand.”

“At least it is now in the hands of the one it belongs to.” Dwalin whispered. He still remembered Frerin carting around that book before the Battle of Moria.

Thorin didn’t say a word, only handed back Dwalin’s pipe, put the book back into his jerkin over his heart and laid down. He rolled onto his side, presenting his back to his friends who understood. Soon his personal space was crowded once more by his son. Fili laid his bedroll down and wormed as close as he could to his father, pulling some of Thorin’s fur coat over himself. He looped an arm over Thorin’s side and pushed his face under Thorin’s whiskery chin as if he was a dwarfling. Balin and Dwalin shared a chuckle as they too settled in for sleep.


	35. Chapter 35

In the morning Bilbo Baggins was not a hobbit to mess with. He had a permanent scowl fixed to his features, his eyes were as gloomy as the weather and anyone that spoke to him got a lashing from his sharp tongue. Balin tried to talk to him a few times only to have the hobbit send him away with his ears closed to any sort of reason. He had tried to plead with someone, anyone to get his book back. It was the most precious thing to him, only to have each dwarf turn him down. One by one they rejected his plight for a dwarven king was regarded much like a father even if you were not related to him. He commanded more respect and love than any elf or human king. 

Bilbo sat with Gandalf who was just as helpless in this situation as any other. He could not walk right up to the king and force him to hand over the book, not after he had seen it in the early light of the morning. Sitting in the king’s lap. He knew it to be the book he had given Frerin. 

The old wizard wrapped his arm around the hobbit’s shoulders in comfort waiting wisely for the halfling to calm down before he could lend a perfectly sympathetic ear and explain how the workings of this situation would have it. By all rights, the book should have never been scavenged. It should have stayed in Thorin’s possession until he died. It was an old tradition for creatures that felt more than any other in the world and who was he to tell them that their memories of a loved one could not be coveted? 

 

Kili scratched at his arm, his vambrace on the ground by his feet. The world above him cried with a mournful wail of the wind that rustled the tarps that littered around their camp creating shelter for the different family groups. Something twisted inside of him besides his guilt. He did believe he was the reason that Thorin had taken the book, even though he understood now -after Fili had explained whom the original owner was- both sides. It didn’t pull away from him the troubles he felt. There was a bizarre attraction to the book, it wouldn’t leave his mind. He had seen Cirthe. He knew he had. He could read the later parts of the book and he needed to know what it whispered silently between the pages. As it was he had to resort to sitting with Ori and looking over what he had. He couldn’t read any of the copied manuscript. It seemed… wrong. As if the words lacked life, dead in the ink that had drawn them. 

He glanced over his shoulder to where Fili stood out in the rain. His coat was off, face turned up towards a tree as rain came down. Fili was far enough away from camp that no one could hear him, most probably couldn’t see him, but it was a distance that Kili was comfortable with. He could still see him and if trouble arose he and Nori would hear him well enough. He looked away only to do a double take. He rocked forward and twisted at the waist to get a better look at him. Fili’s lips were moving. His brow wrinkled in confusion as his hands flicked around as if he was talking to someone. 

“What is he doing?”

“No idea.” Ori said. “But he’s been doing it for a while.”

“How long?” 

“A couple of hours… I think he may be trying to talk to the ancestors, relieve some of the stress off of his shoulders and pray for help.” Ori sighed as he glanced around the quiet camp. “Mahal’s forge, it’s quite today… It’s as if everyone is expecting something to happen.”

“One never knows what will happen, brother.” Kili said softly. Both knew full well what he meant and it was the truth. No one knew what would happen, not now and not in the future. Kili grunted as he moved from the position he had been in for much too long. “Time to get the cat out of the rain.”

Kili pushed himself up onto his feet. He grabbed Fili’s coat. He pulled up his hood, folding the coat over his arm as he got closer.

“-are you certain?” Fili’s voice filtered through the wind. 

Kili came a little closer, slipping behind a tree. His training kicking in, his instincts telling him to listen intently to the words being softly said.

“Yes but… that does not make sense.” Fili said. “It should be open all the way through, why would they travel this far down?... no… you have eyes like no other, my lovely.”

Lovely? Who was Fili talking to?

“No, I said nothing of the sort. I do not doubt you. I am simply confused as to why you know my name and have such information to give to me… You are a beautiful woman, I must say. It would be hard for any to hold their tongue around you.”

Kili frowned as he listened to this one sided conversation. A jealousy flared in his stomach. 

Was Fili practicing pick up lines for the next town they came to? What the hell was he doing?!

“I… He is?” Fili sounded surprised. “Kili?”

Kili felt his shoulders tense at the call of his name.

“Kili? Are you there?”

The archer swallowed, stepping out of his hiding place. “Fili.”

The blond smiled and looked up at the tree. “I see your word is very true. Come, you must meet him…. no, he will not harm you.” 

Kili came closer, “Fili, who are you talking to?”

Fili raised up his arm, his woven leather vambrace dark in the rain. There was a flutter of wings before a red great horned owl came from a hollowed knot in a tree. Wings flared out, talons black and sharp. The creature’s size was remarkable, as bit as Fili’s arm from his shoulder to his wrist. It’s talons dug into his vambrace as it gave a trill. The call something that Kili was trained to identify between genders. This was was a female. Fili stroked the feathers of her chest.

“She’s worried about your bow.” Fili said softly.

Kili remained silent staring at the huge creature that his lion can easily hold up. It was a beast, could easily snatch up a running dwarfling to take off into the night. And Fili was saying she was scared of Kili?

“She says that she had seen trolls not far from here, by a place where a farm once was.” Fili looked to Kili. “But why would trolls be this far from the mountains?”

“I… I don’t know.” Kili said softly. He swallowed as the monstrous bird looked at him, bobbing her head as she took a better look at him.

“She has two owlets.” The bird turned to him and bobbed her head. “Forgive me, three. And she’s worried that the trolls will be moving towards this part of the forest. They’ve been grabbing up anything that can give them meat and knocking down trees.”

“Fili… are you sure that’s what she’s saying?” Kili didn’t understand this. Dwarves could talk to ravens and crows by nature, it was a gift Mahal had given to them, but other animals they did not know the language of. Even Fili, in his cat like state, did not understand other species. Was his beloved going mad?

“Of course I am, Olvar.” He lifted his arm letting the owl take flight, fluttering up and around the tree before settling back into her hollowed knot. “I do believe it’s important to tell father.”

“What did you say?”

“I believe it’s important to tell father.”

“Before that.”

Fili tilted his head. “I said that I am sure, Kili.”

“I- but you said-”

“Said what?”

“Nothing.” Kili held out Fili’s coat. “Put this on and come back to camp before you catch a sickness.”

Fili took the coat and shrugged it on. He picked up his feet, moving forward, pressing his shoulder up against Kili’s. He leaned in and whispered. “She was very touchy about her looks. Had to compliment her more and more before she would tell me much.”

“Fili, what in the world made you start talking to an owl?”

Fili paused. Now that it was out in the open… he didn’t know. It simply happened. It had come to a shock that she called him by two names, and one that only Kili had called him once before, Kelvar. 

Kili touched Fili’s face, stepping in front of him. “Are you sure you heard her talk?”

The heir nodded. Kili assessed him, looking into his eyes as he rubbed his thumb over his cheek. What good would Fili get from lying about something like this? What could he gain besides negative talk and ill-gotten looks? 

Nothing. Simply nothing.

“I believe you.” Kili whispered.

“Kili… is something wrong with me?”

The archer swallowed. If there was something wrong with Fili then there meant something was wrong definitely wrong with himself. Fili had always been the stable one, the rock that he could lean against and trust. He was protection and love. Warmth and daylight compared to his dark life of deceit and night. 

His head started to hurt again, a pain jolting through his eye to his brain. He pressed his palm against his temple.

“You’re fine, Fili. Nothing is wrong with you.” He stepped away, hissing as ground the heel of his palm into his eye. “Let’s go back to camp, yeah?”

“Aye.” Fili placed a hand on Kili’s back.


	36. Just like him

Thorin propped the wet wood in a pyramid shape over the flame, allowing the yellow light to lick at the wood to dry it. It was night and everyone else was asleep, trying to seek refuge from the storm that seemed to never leave them. He had dark circles under his eyes, his appetite long lost. His mouth ran dry yet he did not have an interest in taking a drink to parch his thirst. His slumber has been haunted with vivid memories of his beloved cut open with no more blood to bleed, drained of all life. He looked down at his hands, they trembled. He turned his palms up, his gaze fixed on the lines and callouses that were earned from hard work. Markings that Frerin would play with, fingers tracing along the lines, lips pressing against callouses. 

“Udâd.” The gentle voice of his son came to him. 

He peered around the edge of his hood, the drum of the rain still beating against the treated leather of his cloak. Fili was fussing with some sticks and canvas, making a makeshift shelter over the dwarf that had raised him. 

“You shouldn’t be out like this.” Fili said with a slight huff to his words. “Your cloak can only take so much rain.”

Thorin slowly turned back to the fire that spit when a large drop hit down into the flames. 

“One must continue to keep the others warm despite the weather.” He grumbled.

Fili silently sat down next to him. He had been giving Thorin a wave of reassurance before withdrawing giving him space. He ebbed in and out of reach of the ones he loved, going between Thorin and Kili trying to keep his father grounded while giving strength to his lover that felt much guilt and blame over this situation. It was difficult being the strength for both of them as they held their tongues still behind sealed lips. He could only do so much from what little he knew.

Thorin tilted his head back, a frown making his tired features look more weathered and old. “Is that your bedroll you are using as a canvas, Fili?”

“I have to use what I can to keep you warm.” The golden prince smiled to himself, his own gaze on the fire. 

Thorin gave a bitter sound. He brought his hands up to his face, grinding the heels of his palms into his eyes. Thunder rolled off in the distance, rumbling across the sky as it came closer. The bitter sound continued and it took a while for Fili to realize that the king was doing a mixture of crying and laughing. 

“U-udâd?” He reached over, somewhat frightened.

“You’re so much like him.” Thorin choked. He curled up into himself, his head practically between his knees. “As if he birthed you himself.”

“Thorin…” Fili rubbed at his father’s back. He opened his closed his mouth several times before he fell silent. He didn’t know what to say. What could he? A dwarf only had one love of their life, only one they dedicated their heart to, their spirit. This one was crafted for them, just them, by Mahal. They didn’t live past the death of their spouse. The madness of grief would puntrue any self preservation, any rational thought. He couldn’t think of the anguish that would befall him if Kili was taken from him. When Kili had been hurt by that orc so many years ago, he had been so terrified. He threw up on the back of his pony when Thorin rode him into town to see if Kili would survive. The relief that his beloved would continue to breathe and hold a heartbeat, it was like no other. But Thorin would not have that. Frerin would not magically come around a tree and pull the king into his arms. He would not thread his fingers through black and mythril colored hair. He would not whisper tenderly that all of this was a bad dream or show a relief of finding him after so many years. 

He felt his own heart bleed out for his father. His eyes stung as his lips quivered. He silently cursed the gods for hurting Thorin like this. No one should ever live like this, with such pain that no mortal could endure. 

Fili pulled on his father, crashing him into his broad chest. His hand pressed into Thorin’s hair and he kissed at his temple with trembling lips. When he pulled back he had tears in his eyes, his jaw set tight.

His hands were rough, holding fitsfuls of hair as he looked at his father with pain and determination. He would do this for him. Allow him that release he needed more than any cry or scream could ever give.

“If you must go…” his voice cracked in his whisper. He’s breath beat out as he came to terms what he was doing. He shook Thorin’s head a little, growling through the pain in his heart. “I will lead them. I will pick up your mantel and continue, Udâd. If you must leave, I will honor and respect you and father.”

Thorin grabbed Fili, holding so tight that his arms hurt. His son was telling him it was okay, it was okay to go and die. He shoved his face into the crook of Fili’s neck. He wouldn’t leave his son, this perfect being that was so much like Frerin. Kind and caring, always trying, always the victim in the cruel world but refusing to be battered and scarred. Fili would smile and push forward, smile and endure… smile and accept all the bad just for that glimpse of good. 

“You will not be rid of me so easily, boy.” He forced himself to say.

Fili held him back, mumbling into his hood, sounding very much like a little boy. “...I don’t want you to go.” 

“I won’t.” Thorin managed to tighten his hug even more. “I will never leave you and Kili willingly. My boys… my children…”

 

Bilbo watched the two from where he sat in the dark, wrapped in a blanket. He looked down to his woolen feet. As upset as he was about the book… he had no idea how upset Thorin had gotten over it. 

He swallowed feeling something dreadful in his stomach. All he wanted to do was get up and hug Thorin from behind. He wanted to wipe away the tears and listen to him, let him bleed out onto him and help heal him. 

But Thorin hated him… right?

He turned his eyes back to Fili and Thorin, their brows pressed together. Hate him or not… Fili was a good boy, and Thorin was not as monstrous as Bilbo would like to think. He would… he would talk to him tomorrow. In private.

The next day Bilbo kept to his word, but first he came to Gandalf. He stood before the wizard, hands figetting and eyes never settling in one place. “Gandalf… is-is there something that you may be able to, uh, to do for Thorin?”

“What do you mean?” The wizard was sitting close to the fire, his hands wrapped in a part of his long scarf on his lap. 

“For, you know, his troubles… his… his mind or heart or which ever. Do you have something you can do to help him?”

“My dear Bilbo, I’m a bit surprised that you are interested in me aiding him when it is you who had been the key in his misfortune.”

Bilbo’s eyes locked onto Gandalf. His mouth small as his shoulders drew up in a surprised motions. “W-what do you mean?”

“Have you ever asked him what the true source of his anguish is?”

“I… I asked him once why he did not like me.”

“Bilbo Baggins, I took you for one to use your head, not bumble around like a strapling on his first walk out the door.”

“Excuse me?” The hobbit’s cheeks reddened at the insult. “I have you know that no other hobbit would come on this quest and if you are saying that I’m a fool of an oaf to have come this far then-”

“I’m saying, ask the right questions and you shall get all the answers you need. Thorin is not as guarded in heart as most believe. Especially in his current state.”

“Yes well… I fear I may make it worse, I am the last he wishes to see after all.” Bilbo sniffed and hugged himself. “Will you help me or not?”

“But I did, now I do believe I had seen the leader of our company leave to the west to gather more wood not too long ago. If you hurry you may be able to catch up with him.”

Flustered and confused by Gandalf’s meaning he promptly let out a squeak and ran off into the woods. The old wizard turned his attention back to two dwarves that had been silently huddled under a small shelter, gathered around something that they shouldn’t have.

Bilbo ran through the woods, hurrying along as fast as he could without falling flat on his face. He saw a glimpse of a familiar figure.

“Thorin.” He called out as he scuttled down a small hill. “Thorin, wait for me!”

The dwarf stilled, in adding another thick stick to the pile he was carrying. He turned around seeing Bilbo fumble down rather graciouslessly. He didn’t say a thing, feeling entirely too tired and too old to be having an argument that the hobbit’s presence would undoubtedly trigger. 

“Thank you,” Bilbo huffed as he came to a stop. He heaved a breath. “Thank you for waiting.”

Thorin gave a slow nod in reply. 

“I, um… I…” Bilbo licked his lips, fumbling with words in his head. How did he go about asking Thorin if he was alright? How did he ask about the book and why it affected him so much? How did he tell him that it was from watching him last night with Fili that it made him change his mind? ...How did he tell him that he wanted nothing more than for Thorin to look at him, to respect him as he once did?

_Once did?_

“What do you wish of me, master Baggins?” Thorin turned away when the silence had stretched for much too long. 

“No!” Bilbo’s hand shot out grabbing Thorin’s arm. “I-I… I want to talk… just talk… don’t turn from me… please.”

Thorin looked to him. Bilbo bit his lip, holding in the whimper. Thorin looked so sickly, so old and decrepit as if life was draining from him. 

The silence came back as Bilbo’s fingers flexed around the material of Thorin’s tunic that he held. A wind picked up splattering rain into Bilbo’s eyes making him flinch. He rubbed the drops out of his eyes, the the rain stopped. He looked up to see that Thorin had moved closer, the bundle of sticks in one arm, the other arm holding up his cloak over Bilbo’s head.

“You do not need to look so shocked, Master Baggins.”

“I- let me carry those if you are going to keep us both dry.” Bilbo fumbled with taking the sticks from Thorin. 

The dwarf slipped back into his quiet state as Bilbo wrapped both arms around the bundle. 

“I… please just hear me out, that’s all I ask, Thorin.” Bilbo finally managed to say. “Will you give me this?”

The king nodded.

Bilbo took in a few encouraging breaths before he spat out quickly in a ramble. “I’ve been very angry with you because you treat me differently, you shun me and I’m just as important as any other member of this company. If not then more so because I’m the one to face a dragon! And I don’t know how I can do that when the leader I follow does not see any value in me. You have taken from me something that has been with me all my life, given to me by my mother that has long past. I would like it back but I must know why it has wounded you so grievously that Fili had to tell you last night it would be fine for you to take your own life or run off and get yourself killed!! Because I would not like that at all, because despite how you treat me I care for you. You are important. You- you…” 

Bilbo trailed off, Thorin’s hand coming up to his cheek. He blushed. He didn’t mean to lean into the touch, for it to feel so comforting that his eyes closed. He wouldn’t admit to himself that his heart fluttered and his lips felt so lonely and of need of a companion to give them comfort and warmth. 

“You look… so much like him.” Thorin’s voice sounded distant as his thumb stroked Bilbo’s cheek. “You’re voice is that of my beloved from the grave.” He leaned in, “You share his scent and his light. But you are not him…” Thorin’s voice wavered.

Bilbo slid his eyes open, a pang stabbing at his core making him feel anxious and sick. Thorin was crying, right in front of him. His lips curled, chin crinkled in grief. 

“You are not my Frerin.”

The sticks he held fell with a clatter. Bilbo slipped a hand into Thorin’s hair, the other snaking under his arm to his back. He stood up on his tip toes and squeezed. Thorin grabbed at him, his knees giving out bringing them down to the sticks and uneven ground. For a moment, if he could shut his eyes tightly enough he could imagine he was holding his brother. He could pretend that he was alive and telling him all was well. The gentle shushing of Bilbo’s voice melded into that of Frerin and all he could think of was his beloved.

He kept his eyes closed as he peppered kisses over Bilbo’s neck and ear. When he reached lips he was welcomed into a kiss, hard and biting with pain and desperation. The hobbit opened his mouth and Thorin shoved his tongue in. Fresh tears spilled down his cheeks as Bilbo tasted exactly the same as his beloved. He moved his hands to Bilbo’s head, licking along tongue and teeth. A shiver ran down his spine when the hobbit rubbed his palms down Thorin’s neck to his collar, slipping his fingers under the material to touch more skin. 

The king pushed Bilbo down onto his back. Everything was the same; the taste, the scent, even Bilbo’s touches were the same as Frerin’s. He moved his mouth to the neck sucking on his adam’s apple making the halfling moan. Even that was the same, a song he had not heard in so long that he greedily listened to over and over again as he found different ways under clothing. He stroked and touched each spot that his mind remembered, that Frerin enjoyed more than anything. They all worked, each one making Bilbo writhe under him, panting into the crying sky with flushed cheeks and kiss swollen lips. In return Bilbo gripped him, flexed his fingers in hair. He tried to feel back, touch skin and scar while making helpless little sounds that drove Thorin over into the madness of replacement. Bilbo was not Frerin, but he could pretend, pretend and feel as if he wasn’t alone and damned if only for a few minutes.


	37. Why it Rains

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that this chapter has taken so long to come to you. I hope it is not a disappointment.

The book, the perfect time to pilfer it was when Thorin was in the forest collecting wood. At least, that’s what Kili thought, he would nick it, then give it back to Bilbo and keep his head held high when attacked by Thorin-which he knew would come. That had been his plan when he had set himself into action, easily sneaking his hands into the folds of Thorin’s pack. He pulled the book out, his brain sending the command to his hands to tuck it away inside his coat against his breast, but he didn’t move. He simply stayed there, eyes fixed on the old cover. While he knew what to do, what he wanted to do, something deep inside was stopping him like a whisper just outside the range of hearing. 

What was it about this book? Why was it so important?

Kili turned the book, examining the cover with eyes that didn’t take in any details. For some reason he wasn’t looking for anything unique that would tell him who had written it. It was more akin to seeing a book for the very first time. It was almost as if he had never encountered this kind of object before and he was experiencing all anew. The feel of the leather under his fingers, the smell of the cured material mixed with old pages and ancient ink. He was about to open it to the first page when his wrist was caught up by Fili’s powerful grip. The shapeshifter’s eyes were squinted, looking at Kili like the thief he was. 

“What are you doing?” Fili asked.

“I…” What was he to say? He was stealing Fili’s father’s most prized possession. The one object in Fili’s life that could connect the blond to a parent that he had never met. As a dwarf this was possibly the most effective way to harm another. To Fili, it probably looked like Kili was angry with their king, that he wanted him to suffer. That would be hard on the golden prince, while he loved and cherished Kili he felt another deep kind of love for the dwarf that had raised him. The dwarf that took him in without questions, that defended him, tried to understand his strange nature, forgave him for everything stupid he had done while growing up.

“Has Thorin done something to you?” Fili’s voice was sharp and Kili wasn’t sure if it was in his defence or in Thorin’s.

“No.” He said quickly. He grabbed his lover’s elbow, pulling him to the side, a bit farther away from the others just incase keen ears were listening. “Fili, I just wanted to let Bilbo see it again… I… we…”

“It’s father’s.” Fili frowned.

“I know and I gave this a lot of thought and I was going to do it-”

Fili jerked his elbow free. “You were what?”

“Don’t get upset.”

“Don’t get upset? You’re stealing my dead father’s most prized possession from my only remaining family and you tell me not to get upset?” Fili’s hair puffed as his teeth started to shift into sharp lion fangs. 

Killi held up his hands, the book now out in the rain. Fili was really angry. Why was he so angry?

“I said I _was_ , I’m not going to do it any more.”

“Then what are you doing with it still in your hands?” 

“Because I was going to try and read it.” Kili bristled himself. “Or will that hurt your precious father?”

“Don’t. Start.”

“Who’s starting anything? Perhaps it was you who began this whole conversation?”

“And you are the one with sticky fingers.” Fili stepped into Kili’s personal space. Though he was shorter it still felt as if he was looming. 

“You may not like it, but thieving is part of my profession.” Kili glared. “Or have you forgotten exactly what I do?”

“Oh, please forgive me.” Fili snorted. “I had forgotten that you are amongst the elite and rare dwarven rangers. I’ll beg your pardon for not bowing in your presence.” 

“Mahal’s hairy bollocks, what is wrong with you?”

The lion moved with a sharp and quick ferocity that made Kili’s hand tingle with pain when the book was snatched out of his grip. Fili pushed it under the fur of his coat, to keep it from being rained on. 

“What is wrong with me is that you’re not taking this seriously. You have been irresponsible and reckless since the beginning.” Fili hissed in a low tone. He poked his finger into Kili’s puffed up chest. “You didn’t have to come. I rather you have stayed in Ered Luin.”

Kili’s frown furthered as he let his lover poke and hiss, it wasn’t like a snake, it wasn’t a mighty lion’s roar. It reminded him more of a scared kitten. One that was huddled in a corner, shivering and fluffing up to try and prove that it was tough and it could take anything. He could have reached out and swatted his hand over Fili’s face, slapping some sense into him. He could have pulled him close and wrap his hands around his shoulders. Then he would suffer the stiffness of his body going rigid and hard under his touch. Instead he looked him right in the eye and said in the most level tone he could summon up. “You’re not allowed to speak to me in such a way.”

“And you are not allowed to thieve from my father.”

The two glared at each other before turning away and walked away. Kili went to collect his bedroll he snatched it up to his chest, grumbling about how Fili was being less than intelligent and thick headed. He took his bedroll over to the Ri shelter and threw his mess next to Ori’s nice and neat area. The dwarf had his bags all lined up and in order next to his perfectly placed bedroll with a knitted blanket on top. He did wonder how he got that but knowing Dori it was best not to ponder too long on that. Dori always had a skein of yarn no matter how much they go through. Not even Nori knew how that happened.

Dori and Ori stared at him as he grumbled and kicked around his things. He got frustrated enough to kick it all out into the rain before fetching it and this time going to his knees to properly arranging the thick materials.

“You feeling well, lad?” Nori didn’t bother to look at his apprentice as he puffed on his pipe. He had watched the whole exchange, heard some of it too. He knew what was going on his question was more to ease Kili’s mind.

“I’m well!” Kili snapped before curling up in his coat and flopping onto his bedroll, refusing to open his eyes. Thankfully, to the soft murmurs of dwarves talking, the drumming of the rain on the canvas above and the cracking of the central fire, mixed together to create a soothing lullaby that eased his tense muscles loose and take his mind into a dark room that was called sleep.

\------------------------------------

Thorin felt the kiss of sunlight on his cheek. It ghosted down, tenderly caressing and stroking. He opened his eyes seeing that he was leaned up against the trunk of a great tree. Lush and green like no other. It stretched upon high far and vast. It was a forest within itself, a gorgeous canopy that had bright golden dew on the leaves. 

Hands made of emerald vines and the most gentle sunlight slipped around his shoulders, running down his chest. A cheek of foliage pressed up against his own, a scent that he knew better than his own heart flooded his senses. He reached up, took hold of the delicate wrists and brought them to his lips. He kissed at green and gold palms.

“I love you.” He whispered, not willing to look to who was with him. He knew who it was. He could tell by the touch. His true love. And for the first time he could say those words without feeling terrible pain. “I will always love you.”

Lips of flower petals kissed his cheek.

“My Yavanna.” 

The light died, the warmth seeping away into bitter cold. The vines withered, becoming brown and brittle. They crumbled in his hands as the world turned dark. Startled, Thorin looked up seeing the tree bare of leaves and branches stretched out like broken bones in an old grave.

A terrible cry came from his throat. Loud and painful as he got up to his feet. Wind battered at him, his hair whipping against his face with stinging slaps as rain rushed down. A tall slender being of black hid in the gloom, only revealed in the the cracked webbing of lightning that flashed so angrily bright that Thorin could not see for several seconds afterwards. When he regained his vision there was a figure by his feet. He shook, feeling sick. His heart stopped.

“No.” He fell down onto his knees, his hands hovering over the body. “No… please.” Images mingled from a woman in a green dress to a dwarf covered in blood. Thorin couldn’t feel anything beyond his panic and pain. “No!!” He grabbed up the creature that held his heart. He felt the heavy thump of limp limbs, the awkwardness of trying to keep the head tucked when it had no muscle to support. 

The lightning flashed again and Thorin was screaming in rage at the dark figure. “You fiend!!”

The darkness smiled. 

It was happy. 

It was pleased.

“I will make you pay for this!!! You will suffer!!”

The darkness moved, reveling in his anger, in his pain.

“You killed my children, poisoned my wife!” He stood up, holding a woman in green. His long hair whipped around in the storm as he declared war upon the darkness. “Heed my words, brother! I will get my revenge, Melkor!! The generations to come will not hear of your evils! No longer will they fear the name Morgoth!! Do you hear me?! You will suffer the blows of my hammer, the hammer of Aulë!!!”


End file.
